Shazam Doesn't Love Jawaiian Music

Have you ever been driving in your car listening to 98.5 and you're like, "Ho, who's dis Jawaiian band? I neva hear deez guys before! I should Shazam deez frickas!"? So you unwisely grab your phone--c'mon guys, it's against the law!--and press your nice blue Shazam button. What comes next reads every time on your screen:

"“We couldn't find a match”

Make sure you hold your device close to the audio source.

You can tag as often as you like: there is no limit."

Man, Shazam doesn't love Jawaiian Music.

For all you who have been living under a pretty decent size rock, Shazam is an app that will identify American music or TV shows by holding the phone near the speaker.

The following are actual quotes from people in Jawaiian bands who are fed up with Shazam and created a protest directly to the app's headquarters:

"Bra, you know me, I'm just one struggling local bradah trying fo meet ends meet, and you know what, when one-nada bradah tries fo find my band tru yo’ stupid app and no work, make me reeeeeal irate!"—Keoki Joeseph Naho’oikaika Haleamau-Mercado III. *

"What, get 49 states in the US? Get 50 right?! Da 50it one is Hawaii right?! But cannot recognize my songs dat was made in the US? Das like not recognizing me for one solid Hawaiian bradah!"—Alika Kawika "Junya Boy" Smith Jr. *

"Coming from the Mid West, I joined a Jawaiian band to experience what the locals here play. I am just in utter outrage that your app will not support the local music scene here...it's just appalling. And here I am, thinking I was going to later apply for a job here. Pssh...you can count me out!”—Michael Hunt *

"You tink you can just fo’get about us ah?! You tink you can give us da chance fo download yo app, tink we can find all kine any kine Jawaiian music, get our hopes up, den just like dat, say cannot find da song?!—Mahina Ho'oponopono Rosemary Carvalho.

"Fak you!"—Lawrence Hayato Maruyami *

"Shazam? Dis app mo shitty den da movie Kazam!"—Kanani Hiwalani White-Wong *

*not an actual quote from people in Jawaiian bands who are fed up with Shazam

When will Shazam realize that Jawaiian music needs to be recognized on their app? Maybe when it happens the world might look different. Maybe the color green will be blue, or blue will be yellow. Maybe when I walk down Waikiki with my shirt off the girls will no longer cheehoo me. Or just maybe we will get our first president who is a woman. *

*I don't hope for any of that

Flushing the toilet with some sweet Jawaiian vibes,

Loa

How EDM changed the local bradah

Hey, man, remember back in the day when you were a local bradah? Your truck was lifted, you wore rubba slippas, surf shawts, and a Flexfit hat backwards, and the only thing you listened to was Jawaiian music. It may be hard to remember, but this was once your lifestyle. Things have obviously changed since then. You've traded in your truck for a sporty, slick car, you no longer wear rubba slippas or hats but the most up-to-date styled shoes and you only gel your hair, and finally the only thing blasting from your stereo is EDM (Electric Dance Music) or as we local bradahs call it, "uunce uunce" music.

The said local bradah used to be a solid bradah and boy was his mada and fada proud. He jammed the ukulele, he wala'au'd with the aunties and uncles, drank Heinekens, and spoke the native tongue of a local bradah: pidgin. Sure, he listened to Eiffel 65's "Blue" song for shits and giggles, but it was never a part of his music forefront. Then a few years later, a friend introduced Avicii's "Levels" and HO NAH, he was hooked.

His time spent on Youtube was instantaneously transformed from watching Rebel Souljahz live at graduation parties to large music festivals filled with an ocean of people fist-pumping to DJs spinning on the ones and twos. No longer did he frequent Mai Tai's to hang with da boys and drink straight out of the beer pitcher. Instead, he scoured the back alleys of Honolulu to find out where the hottest underground raves were being held. He went from training jiu-jitsu to starting an entertainment promoting company so he could cruise with the coolest EDM DJs. Life was new, things were different. 

It wasn't long ago when the said local bradah would exclaim to his friends, "Auuuuryte! Brah, dis weekend it's on! We going BBQ down Sandys and spahk out all da chicks. Me and Kalani Boy going bring da grinds, da rest of you frickas bedda just bring down da beeahs and da podageese horseshoes. You guys not going beat me like last time!" However, now the conversations tend to go along the lines of, "Dude! Let's go to that rave this weekend, bro! We're gonna roll so hard and get weird! Kalani and I will bring the rolls, you brosephs better just bring down the water and glow sticks. You better not mess up your light show like last time!"

The said local bradah would also say, "Ho brah, we go check out da Fiji concert dis weekend! Cheeeheee! I heard going get J-Boog, Kolohe Kai, Tree Plus, and one spesho appearance by da lead singer of Koa'uka too!" What about now?  "Hey bro, I can't wait to check out that Above & Beyond concert this weekend at Kaka'ako! It'll totally be different than that dubstep concert we went to last week. I've been listening to their set from their most recent festival--of course, it's sick."

There were also times when the said local bradah would say, "Brah, let's go Vegas go gambo! My aunty who live over dea get deals for one hotel, we go!" And now? "Bro, save up, we're going to Vegas for EDC this year. My aunty who lives over there has the hook up on rolls, so we're covered. It's going to be insane, bro."

In these trying times, the makeup of a local bradah has changed. The next generation may never know how a real local bradah should be. Who will save the keiki?

Flushing the toilet no longer skanking, but only fist-pumping,

Loa

Using an iPad is not so sly

When you witness something out of the ordinary like a man irresponsibly wearing short shorts, you want to take a picture of it and post it on your social media sites so that all your friends can see what you saw and say, "Oh man, look at what Loa saw, he's so funny!"

Nowadays, everyone's taking a picture of everything using their phone. You walk past a tree, you take a picture. You're about to eat a delicious meal, you take a picture. You see you a boy dog and a girl dog getting in position to...walk with their owner, you take a picture. You get the point, everything at any given moment is subject to a snapshot.

But just how sly can you be taking a picture with an iPad?

"Hey, we need to find a way to get this," I would tell my friend.

I'd then direct my friend to stand in a way as to block my iPad such that my unassuming target, a dude irresponsibly wearing short shorts, would be unable to detect any covert picture-taking.

"Um, yeah, hi," the guy would stand up and say. "Yeah, over here. I heard what you said and see you with your iPad trying to take a picture of me. You don't think I notice an iPad?...or can hear?"

"My iPad? Oh this thing? It's a book...a black book. A sleek, black book that I sometimes like to read out loud to my friend here, Ricardo. It's a story, called 'Find a Way.'"

"Uh, no it's not. You'd be surprised to know that I work for Apple so when you say that's not an iPad, I'll respond to you that the dimensions of an iPad are 9.50 inches by 7.31 inches. Oh you go by millimeters? That would be 241.2 millimeters by 185.7 millimeters. The depth is 0.37 inch and it weighs 1.46 pounds...662 grams, if you will. That "black book" you're holding, is very similar to the device I'm describing. Don't play dumb with me. I may irresponsibly be wearing short shorts, but I ain't dumb. Shall I go on?"

"No dude, I'm seriously reading this book on my iPad to Ricardo. Look, it's really called, "Find a Way" by Merril Hoge, ya friggin' dick. It's about him overcoming all these obstacles to achieve his goal and to achieve a life that's worth a darn...ya friggin' dick!"

I would then show him the front cover of "Find a Way" on my iPad:

Then the guy who was irresponsibly wearing short shorts would sit with his head down thinking he's such a jerk, and I would slyly take a picture without him noticing. It's tough to secretly take a picture with an iPad, but if you got dem skills, you got dem skills.


Flushing the toilet as I have too, Found the Way,


Loa

Like an unhappy kid in a candy store

Recently I've been hearing quite a few "kid in a candy store" references to describe how happy so and so was. But think about how you think a kid feels like in a candy store and how a kid actually does feel like, you would get two different scenarios.

According to the website, "English, Baby!" the expression, "kid in a candy store" means feeling as though all of one's wishes are coming true; feeling as though one has everything in life; extremely happy because of all the good things are happening.

Ok. Let's see if this definition holds true:

Kid, let's call him Billy, walks into a candy store, eyes big as one's eyes could ever be.

"Ok, Billy, here it is," his mom would say. "Your first experience in a candy store. How does it feel?"

"Oh my, mom! I've never seen sucha beauty. All these candies, all these opportunities just perfectly waiting to get my taste buds in a frenzy!"

"I remember my first time like it was yesterday (gazing off into the past). It was me, your Aunty Becky, and grandpa. We were..."

Soon, Billy's mom would suddenly come to present day life and see little Billy throwing all kinds of candies into the wagon.

"Now Billy, you can't have all the candy you want," his mom would inform him.

"Wait, what do you mean I can't have all the candy I want, you crazy woman? Do you see all of this candy?! How am I supposed to satisfy the desires that lay deep within my heart and soul?"

"What do you think this is, Billy? You think you can just be a kid in a candy store and have EVERYTHING you want?! That's not how this works, son."

Billy would start throwing a fit, crying, whining and making the biggest scene.

"This sucks, mom! I am so disappointed in this trip to the candy store. Why would you do this to me?! Why?! Whhhhhhyyyyyy?! Wait, was your first time in a candy store this sucky, mommy?"

"No. Grandpa was rich. We broke."



Flushing the toilet with leftover Halloween candy,


Loa

I blame third world countries

Remember back in the day when you were once a little tot, there was never a time you wouldn't hear your mother or your father exclaim, "You better finish all that food on your plate!"? You could never leave the dinner table without that last grain of rice being consumed and all hope was lost. You were thinking in your head like, "Man, are these two people in front of my eyes that are my so-called parents serious right now? I'm just tryin' to get my damn hands on some Nintendo sticks." But what was their reason though?

Soon after that aforementioned quote from one of your parents, the following would...um, follow: "You know there are people out in the world starving?" But how did they know this, and who were those "people"?

As young, striving adults who didn't know what was wrong from right, your parents were hypnotized by commercials and protesters who showed children in third world countries starving for food and that whoever was watching those commercials should donate money to feed them--that or destroy the government.

"Oh my (gasp)! That can't be true," your parents would cry out. "When I have children of my own, there is no way my kids will leave that darn dinner table without finishing all of their food! I stand by my word, and my word is all I got, it's all I got."

Years later when you were born, you first didn't want to finish your baby food. But, "Heeeere comes the airplane!" and food was forced into your childish mouth. It all began there and didn't stop. Fast forward to now, you might eat a plate of food, see that extra bits of leftovers and think,"Who am I to not eat the rest of this food? Full or not, I was raised to not leave any food on my plate and that I shall do."

We people have it so hard here thinking whether or not we should finish our plate of food. Shut up about your problems and finish yo damn food.


Flushing the toilet with a full belly,

Loa

Wait, Don't Look Now!

I'm sure you've been in that situation where you and your friend are talking to each other and you notice a person who looks like someone and you tell your friend,"Don't look now, but the guy over there, see him?"

Your friend looks immediately.

"No, no, no, no, no, not right now, dummy! You're an idiot, I said not right now."

At that instant, the guy you were pointing out has already noticed that you guys are seemingly talking about him--not by hear, but by feeling. So he acts as if he's paying attention to the conversation he's having with his friend, but he's in fact keying in on you two.

"Whatever, so what about him," says your friend.

"Remember the movie, "Saving Silverman?" Doesn't he look like the coach who's in jail and when the two dudes ask him for advice on what they should do after they kidnapped Silverman's chick, he instructs the guys to kill her?"

Your friend, out of one eye, looks at the guy again, then starts to laugh,"Hahahaha, yeah he does!"

By this time, the guy obviously knows you're talking about him and gives you an eye so stink, that even a skunk would be like,"Dayyum! Now thas some stink ass eyes!"

He comes over, "You guys got a problem with me or something?"

"Uh, no sir. I was just complimenting your impressive cardigan to my friend here. Where could I find one like that?"

"Shut up, you dick heads."


Flushing the toilet secretly writing about this dude who was sitting next to me,


Loa

Beer Goggle Yourself

Beer goggles: A condition that exists, while in a drunken state, where a member of the opposite sex appears much more attractive than when sober.

Guys, you've all been in a situation where the opposite sex looked much better when you were drunk rather than they would be if you were sober. It's a crazy concept, but it's so true. When you're in a drunken state, you see a girl and you're like, "Awwwww yeeeeuh! I'mma get on this tonight!" Then you see that person again in a sober state and you're like, "Wow...um...I was pretty ripped last night."

But what if instead of using beer goggles on women, we used it for ourselves? You can get yourself into a drunken state, go to the nearest bathroom, look yourself in the mirror and be like, "Uuuu boy, you lookin' good tonight! Who looks good? You look good! Who's gonna get all the ladies tonight? You gonna get all the ladies tonight! Damn, you look good! What's up, what's up?! Ain't nobdoy gonna stop you, ya heard? Nobody! You got this, boy!"

After the buzzed pep talk, you then step outside to the bar or the club and work your damn magic on the ladies. The gals. The chickitos. The females. The "uuu she get it from her mamas."

You shy? Drink up. You nervous? Drink up. You think you're ugs? Drink up. You think you da man? Shut up. You start cruising with some hotties? Thaswhatsup.


Flushing the toilet like a G,

Loa