ABDC and American Idol judge Merrie Monarch

While watching the Merrie Monarch on Friday night, I told my roommate how classic, but inappropriate it would be if the judges for America's Best Dance Crew (ABDC) and American Idol were judging the legendary competition. And who would be the host? None other than Mr. Mario Lopez--beat it, Seacrest! Heck, let's jump right into it and see how the first performance and judging would unfold.

Mario: Alohe (yes, alohe) everyone, welcome to the 2012 Merrie Monarch Festival! Let's introduce this year's prestigious judges. First, we have B-Boy extraordinaire, Dominic "D'Trix" Sandoval. Next we have Mr. Aerosmith, Steven Tyler. The next judge is from a boy band, JC Chasez. Next to him we have the feisty mamacita, Lil' Mama. Sitting next to her is the only black guy to ever play in the band Journey, Randy Jackson. And last but not least, straight from the block, it's Jennifer Lopez! No relation of course (laughs, but the audience doesn't). Give a hand for our judges!

Cont: Our first performers will be group Ke...(looks down at his piece of paper) Ke...'ala...oka...okamaily.

The broadcast catches the disgusted audience shaking their head.

The first halau elegantly performs an unforgettable hula.

                           

Mario: Let's go to our judges for their thoughts.

JC Chasez: You know, I like this group. We're talking about a group that came all the way over from Maui, on a journey to fulfill a dream, and they're here, doing just that. I wanna go into a slow-mo. Look at the motion of their hands--precision at its finest. Congratulations guys, you did an awesome job!

Randy Jackson: Ey yo, dawg! So check this out. Dude, you guys were rockin' it! Am I right (looks at the audience)? First performance of the night, and let me tell you something--every group watch out because they were hot, baby!

Steven Tyler: (Just in awe) My God, guys. You just blew me away. From the first time I saw you guys, I knew that within my soul, that the music combined with your movements would change my life forever. I thank you for that, I thank you.

D'Trix: Hey ladies! You guys are lookin' fine tonight, uuu you lookin' fine! First off, let me say that your dresses are looking excellent--it could be a bit shorter, but hey, they're looking good! I wanna say that your kaloho (as he meant kaholo) could use some work, but I'm liking what I'm seeing!

Jennifer Lopez: (Tearing up) I...I can't even speak right now. Like, I know I'm speaking, but I'm so at a lost of words. Well, I know I'm speaking words, but you know what I mean. Your movements, your power, your love...everything--it was just so beautiful. I loved your performance and I love you, and I want you to love me back, and...(gets cut off by Lil' Mama).

Lil' Mama: Oh my gawd, oh my gawd. Let me just tell y'all this: (moment of silence) Y'ALL JUST KILT IT! Y'all ain't scared. Y'all are fearless. Y'all believed in y'all selves, and now, y'all just made me a believer. I wanna go into a slow-mo. When y'all did that ami and uwihi? Uwahi? Uwaha? Uwehe? I'm not too good with these Hawaiian words, but when y'all did that move, I was like, 'Yeeah, dey doin' they thang!' I really just want y'all to know that whatever happens in this competition, know that y'all kilt it, and I'm proud of y'all!

Ok, so now you know why the Merrie Monarch judges are BAWSE. They are qualified to judge the art of hula and there is no argument why they shouldn't be a judge. I mean, when have you seen Lil' Mama ever dance? J-Lo is a better dancer than a singer (note: In Living Color). Steven Tyler is just....weird and crazy. Unlike dancing television shows where ultimately America decides, the Merrie Monarch judging actually affects the outcome of the competition and their entire life revolves around the culture.


Flushing the toilet while continuously yelling, "Y'ALL JUST KILT IT!" (of course I'm speaking directly to my dutes on how the bathroom smell has now been kilt),


Loa