Friday, July 22, 2011

Taking a look back on 5 inventions


In our generation, we're always looking forward to the newest invention or update of an electronic device that we've forgotten about the inventions that really gets us through these days. Inventions that I felt was necessary to mention so that we remember what's the real deal.

1) Can opener: There was once a day where folks would have to use a chisel and a hammer to open canned goods. The inventor of the can, Peter Durand, found a way to seal food in a can, but didn't give thought to how you could open that very can. I once used a knife because I couldn't find my can opener and although I kept my finger, blood was visible. This makes the can opener such a commodity and allows us to cook the grinds eeeeeasy.

2) Doors: Before doors, there was no privacy. There would be openings into various rooms, but you'd never be kept alone. People would be sneaking over your back to read what you were writing in your diary, see you doing sexual activities, and ultimately taking huge dumps. Until doors, life was public. Now, we can enter into closed rooms, shut the door behind us, and then get back out again.

3) Light bulb: Before the light bulb was invented by Thomas Edison, people were using lit candles to light up their houses/rooms. When you walked your chick down the hallway and into your room, which was filled with a ridiculous amount of lit candles, she didn't think it was romantic, she just was thankful that she could see where she was walking. Now, even if you got your girl with one lit candle, she's like, "OMG, this is soooo perfect!" You can thank Thomas for that one.

4) Fan: "What do you mean we don't have to rely on nature's wind in order to have a breeze in doors? You mean, you just have to plug this into the outlet, and it will create wind?!" Have you ever not possessed a fan? Then as you're sleeping, sweat forms in pockets like the backside of your knees and in your armpits. What if you're sleeping with your girl, spooning, and all she's thinking is, "Eww, he has the audacity to buy a loco moco for dinner even though I told him to watch his calories, but not purchase a damn fan so he's not sweating buckets all over me?!" A fan is crucial, especially here in Hawaii.

5) Toilet paper: I think you saw this one coming, but I had to do it. Our bodies are made to take a dump almost daily, so toilet paper is a necessity in our lives. Life without toilet paper is an itchy experience. Back in the day, people would use fruit skins, wood shavings, moss, ferns, snow, and other things I don't want the wiping of my butt to be associated with. This has to be one of the most brilliant inventions ever. Oh, I can get apps on something called an iPhone? Oh, I can watch movies on something called a television? Oh, I can warm up my food without a stove in something called a microwave? Pssh, more like I can wipe my butt after I take a huge dump and not be scratching all day with something called toilet paper!

No conclusion, I'm flushing this damn toilet,

Loa

Friday, July 8, 2011

I yell a lot, and my name is Eminem


After work, I got in my car, and Eminem was blasting on the radio barking like a mad dog again. I haven't listened to every song of Slim Shady's, but it seems as though he is yelling in every song that I hear from him. I can't imagine having a conversation with Eminem.

"Hey, what's up Em," I'd start off by saying.

"What's up, Loa!," he'd yell at me looking like he wants to start a fight.

Slowly, I'd say, "I'm doing good...how are you?"

"I'm great!" Eminem would begin. "It's such a great day! The sun is out and there was a nice breeze!"

"Why are you mad then?"

"I ain't mad!"

"Then why do you keep yelling at me?"

"I ain't yelling, homie! I ain't yelling!"

Soon after that, I would sit down with him, and let him know that I recorded our entire conversation without his consent. At first, he would be mad, but then I would give him a little nod to let him know he was getting mad, then he'd listen in on the conversation.

"I'm so sorry, Loa!" he would yell. "I mean, I'm so sorry, Loa. I don't listen to my own music, so this whole time, I didn't know I was yelling like a madman."

"It's ok, Eminem," I'd say as I consoled him. "I care about you, and I care about your well-being. You'll get through this, I know you will. It'll take time, but trust me, the world is about to change once you stop yelling madly in your songs. Have you ever thought about your throat? You yell so much that there's no need to smoke cigarettes--you're gonna eventually be speaking through a microphone out of a hole in your throat. Do you want that, Em, do you want that?!"

"No," he simply would answer with a frown.

Changes are upon us, my friends. Great changes. And it all starts with Slim Shady.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa