Like an unhappy kid in a candy store

Recently I've been hearing quite a few "kid in a candy store" references to describe how happy so and so was. But think about how you think a kid feels like in a candy store and how a kid actually does feel like, you would get two different scenarios.

According to the website, "English, Baby!" the expression, "kid in a candy store" means feeling as though all of one's wishes are coming true; feeling as though one has everything in life; extremely happy because of all the good things are happening.

Ok. Let's see if this definition holds true:

Kid, let's call him Billy, walks into a candy store, eyes big as one's eyes could ever be.

"Ok, Billy, here it is," his mom would say. "Your first experience in a candy store. How does it feel?"

"Oh my, mom! I've never seen sucha beauty. All these candies, all these opportunities just perfectly waiting to get my taste buds in a frenzy!"

"I remember my first time like it was yesterday (gazing off into the past). It was me, your Aunty Becky, and grandpa. We were..."

Soon, Billy's mom would suddenly come to present day life and see little Billy throwing all kinds of candies into the wagon.

"Now Billy, you can't have all the candy you want," his mom would inform him.

"Wait, what do you mean I can't have all the candy I want, you crazy woman? Do you see all of this candy?! How am I supposed to satisfy the desires that lay deep within my heart and soul?"

"What do you think this is, Billy? You think you can just be a kid in a candy store and have EVERYTHING you want?! That's not how this works, son."

Billy would start throwing a fit, crying, whining and making the biggest scene.

"This sucks, mom! I am so disappointed in this trip to the candy store. Why would you do this to me?! Why?! Whhhhhhyyyyyy?! Wait, was your first time in a candy store this sucky, mommy?"

"No. Grandpa was rich. We broke."



Flushing the toilet with leftover Halloween candy,


Loa

I blame third world countries

Remember back in the day when you were once a little tot, there was never a time you wouldn't hear your mother or your father exclaim, "You better finish all that food on your plate!"? You could never leave the dinner table without that last grain of rice being consumed and all hope was lost. You were thinking in your head like, "Man, are these two people in front of my eyes that are my so-called parents serious right now? I'm just tryin' to get my damn hands on some Nintendo sticks." But what was their reason though?

Soon after that aforementioned quote from one of your parents, the following would...um, follow: "You know there are people out in the world starving?" But how did they know this, and who were those "people"?

As young, striving adults who didn't know what was wrong from right, your parents were hypnotized by commercials and protesters who showed children in third world countries starving for food and that whoever was watching those commercials should donate money to feed them--that or destroy the government.

"Oh my (gasp)! That can't be true," your parents would cry out. "When I have children of my own, there is no way my kids will leave that darn dinner table without finishing all of their food! I stand by my word, and my word is all I got, it's all I got."

Years later when you were born, you first didn't want to finish your baby food. But, "Heeeere comes the airplane!" and food was forced into your childish mouth. It all began there and didn't stop. Fast forward to now, you might eat a plate of food, see that extra bits of leftovers and think,"Who am I to not eat the rest of this food? Full or not, I was raised to not leave any food on my plate and that I shall do."

We people have it so hard here thinking whether or not we should finish our plate of food. Shut up about your problems and finish yo damn food.


Flushing the toilet with a full belly,

Loa

Wait, Don't Look Now!

I'm sure you've been in that situation where you and your friend are talking to each other and you notice a person who looks like someone and you tell your friend,"Don't look now, but the guy over there, see him?"

Your friend looks immediately.

"No, no, no, no, no, not right now, dummy! You're an idiot, I said not right now."

At that instant, the guy you were pointing out has already noticed that you guys are seemingly talking about him--not by hear, but by feeling. So he acts as if he's paying attention to the conversation he's having with his friend, but he's in fact keying in on you two.

"Whatever, so what about him," says your friend.

"Remember the movie, "Saving Silverman?" Doesn't he look like the coach who's in jail and when the two dudes ask him for advice on what they should do after they kidnapped Silverman's chick, he instructs the guys to kill her?"

Your friend, out of one eye, looks at the guy again, then starts to laugh,"Hahahaha, yeah he does!"

By this time, the guy obviously knows you're talking about him and gives you an eye so stink, that even a skunk would be like,"Dayyum! Now thas some stink ass eyes!"

He comes over, "You guys got a problem with me or something?"

"Uh, no sir. I was just complimenting your impressive cardigan to my friend here. Where could I find one like that?"

"Shut up, you dick heads."


Flushing the toilet secretly writing about this dude who was sitting next to me,


Loa

Beer Goggle Yourself

Beer goggles: A condition that exists, while in a drunken state, where a member of the opposite sex appears much more attractive than when sober.

Guys, you've all been in a situation where the opposite sex looked much better when you were drunk rather than they would be if you were sober. It's a crazy concept, but it's so true. When you're in a drunken state, you see a girl and you're like, "Awwwww yeeeeuh! I'mma get on this tonight!" Then you see that person again in a sober state and you're like, "Wow...um...I was pretty ripped last night."

But what if instead of using beer goggles on women, we used it for ourselves? You can get yourself into a drunken state, go to the nearest bathroom, look yourself in the mirror and be like, "Uuuu boy, you lookin' good tonight! Who looks good? You look good! Who's gonna get all the ladies tonight? You gonna get all the ladies tonight! Damn, you look good! What's up, what's up?! Ain't nobdoy gonna stop you, ya heard? Nobody! You got this, boy!"

After the buzzed pep talk, you then step outside to the bar or the club and work your damn magic on the ladies. The gals. The chickitos. The females. The "uuu she get it from her mamas."

You shy? Drink up. You nervous? Drink up. You think you're ugs? Drink up. You think you da man? Shut up. You start cruising with some hotties? Thaswhatsup.


Flushing the toilet like a G,

Loa

10 Qualities of a Tough Man

These are some of the qualities of a tough man, but only because he's around other people or his girlfriend:

1) He tells another man in a bar, "Were you just looking at my girl?" and then fights him.

2) He walks into haunted houses during Halloween and says, "Pssh, that wasn't even scary."

3) He goes out at night without an ID because he says that he knows all the bouncers.

4) He drinks a lot of beer and tells his girlfriend, "Babe, I'm not even buzzing yet."

5) He skateboards down steep hills for a few seconds then tells everyone, "Yeah, that hill? I bombed the entire thing."

6) He tells his girl that he watched that one scary movie by himself at nighttime with all the lights off.

7) He tells everyone that he doesn't have  a favorite alcoholic drink because he'll drink anything.

8) He tells everyone, "Nah, Facebook is for kids."

9) He kills a cockroach when a girl screams, "OMG, a cockroach! Get it! Get it!"

10) He stays in the ocean way past sunset because he claims the shark is his 'aumakua.

Flushing the toilet with huge mahscles,

Loa

A conversation with the creator of lyrics on YouTube

Remember there was a time when you were listening to a song, and you wanted to sing-along with it, but you were too lazy to look for the lyrics online? Then, by the grace of God, someone came up with the brightest idea to post a YouTube video with not only the song, but with the lyrics too?!

Not to brag, but I know the inventor! He wants to keep his name anonymous, so I'll just call him Marcus McDoodlemeister, but I did however sit down with him today to talk inspiration, fish and karaoke in this exclusive and rare interview.

Loa: Hey what's up, man? How you been?

Marcus: Hey, not much. I'm good, man. Currently working on some new songs as we speak.

Loa: What songs are you doing and what genre do you usually do?

Marcus: Working on this vintage Busta Rhymes freestyle. It's taking me a while because it's ten minutes long, but I'm almost half way done. Also doing a John Mayer tune too. The song's not out yet, but I have connections. I pretty much do any genre. One day I'll do Chris Brown, and the next I'll be doing Reba McEntire--all depends on my mood and what people suggest.

Loa: Nice. So the obvious question, how did you think of putting a song with lyrics on a YouTube video?

Marcus: Well, it all started when I aspired to be a YouTube sensation. I tried being in front of the camera and posted a bunch of vids. After numerous dislikes and nasty comments, I came to the conclusion that I didn't have the pizzaz nor the physical bone structure to be a successful hit. One night while watching music videos on YouTube, I was singing along with the lyrics from another website, and I was like, "Dude, this sucks! I wanna see the lyrics on one page!" So after some thought and many dark nights, I came up with the idea to not only post the song on YouTube, but add and match the lyrics as the song went on--sort of like karaoke.

Loa: Are you a big karaoke fan?

Marcus: I've been known to sing a few tunes up on the stage (giggles with his right hand covering mouth). But really, I love to sing. Of course, I don't possess the voice of a Kelly Clarkson, but I'm not afraid to show my singing side. I think in a way, I'm kind of stepping on karaoke's feet by posting these videos, but the music business didn't like Sean Parker when he created Napster, so be it.

Loa: Do you feel like you're the new Sean Parker?

Marcus: C'mon man! You know I'd never compare myself to Mr. Parker...But if I had to, then yes, I would say I am the new Sean Parker.

Loa: Ok, so you have to tell me if this is true. I heard that one time at a restaurant you ordered fish and they ran out, you got so mad that you told one of the creators of YouTube, Steve Chen, to ban your server from YouTube. Is that true?

Marcus: Unfortunately, that is true. I was on a date with a hot-smoking red-head and I just really wanted to wine and dine her. I was being really smooth, ordering the most expensive wine, saying that her dress really complimented her hair--you know, things like that. And when I got to the fish situation, I just lost it. I don't know--I just really love fish. I was so frustrated that I hit up Steve and was like, "Bro, Larry Finnegan, prohibit him from ever using YouTube." I didn't even have to explain myself, Steve immediately barred him from using YouTube.

Loa: Til this day is he still not allowed on YouTube?

Marcus: Oh yeah, of course. I feel bad, but I don't take those kind of things lightly. There are three things people need to realize that I really love: YouTube and fish.

Loa: The third?

Marcus: Huh?

Loa: The third thing that you love?

Marcus: ...clean socks.

Loa: Ok. Any inspirations?

Marcus: Yeah of course. More recently, Barak Obama, Michelle Obama, Sasha Obama and Malia Obama.

Loa: So basically, not only Barak, but his wife and their two children?

Marcus: Yeah. they're just a great family. I heard they can all sing too--voices of not angels, probably. You're not going to believe me, but I have a poster of them on my wall at my mom's house. She's a Republican though, and had a really bad vacation in Hawaii. So when she comes into my room, I created this device where a poster of Bill Clinton and his family when he was in office covers the Obama family. Sometimes it's a pretty close call.

Loa: Trust me, I believe you. You really are a weird cat, but it's cool though. Any last thoughts?

Marcus: Jessica Simpson once said, "Is it weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?" And that's how I kind of look at life. It may be weird to others, but if weird to others is normal to me, I'm totally fine with being weird. Shout out to my mom, YouTube, and lyrics!


Flushing the toilet singing-a-long to the YouTube jams,

Loa

ABDC and American Idol judge Merrie Monarch

While watching the Merrie Monarch on Friday night, I told my roommate how classic, but inappropriate it would be if the judges for America's Best Dance Crew (ABDC) and American Idol were judging the legendary competition. And who would be the host? None other than Mr. Mario Lopez--beat it, Seacrest! Heck, let's jump right into it and see how the first performance and judging would unfold.

Mario: Alohe (yes, alohe) everyone, welcome to the 2012 Merrie Monarch Festival! Let's introduce this year's prestigious judges. First, we have B-Boy extraordinaire, Dominic "D'Trix" Sandoval. Next we have Mr. Aerosmith, Steven Tyler. The next judge is from a boy band, JC Chasez. Next to him we have the feisty mamacita, Lil' Mama. Sitting next to her is the only black guy to ever play in the band Journey, Randy Jackson. And last but not least, straight from the block, it's Jennifer Lopez! No relation of course (laughs, but the audience doesn't). Give a hand for our judges!

Cont: Our first performers will be group Ke...(looks down at his piece of paper) Ke...'ala...oka...okamaily.

The broadcast catches the disgusted audience shaking their head.

The first halau elegantly performs an unforgettable hula.

                           

Mario: Let's go to our judges for their thoughts.

JC Chasez: You know, I like this group. We're talking about a group that came all the way over from Maui, on a journey to fulfill a dream, and they're here, doing just that. I wanna go into a slow-mo. Look at the motion of their hands--precision at its finest. Congratulations guys, you did an awesome job!

Randy Jackson: Ey yo, dawg! So check this out. Dude, you guys were rockin' it! Am I right (looks at the audience)? First performance of the night, and let me tell you something--every group watch out because they were hot, baby!

Steven Tyler: (Just in awe) My God, guys. You just blew me away. From the first time I saw you guys, I knew that within my soul, that the music combined with your movements would change my life forever. I thank you for that, I thank you.

D'Trix: Hey ladies! You guys are lookin' fine tonight, uuu you lookin' fine! First off, let me say that your dresses are looking excellent--it could be a bit shorter, but hey, they're looking good! I wanna say that your kaloho (as he meant kaholo) could use some work, but I'm liking what I'm seeing!

Jennifer Lopez: (Tearing up) I...I can't even speak right now. Like, I know I'm speaking, but I'm so at a lost of words. Well, I know I'm speaking words, but you know what I mean. Your movements, your power, your love...everything--it was just so beautiful. I loved your performance and I love you, and I want you to love me back, and...(gets cut off by Lil' Mama).

Lil' Mama: Oh my gawd, oh my gawd. Let me just tell y'all this: (moment of silence) Y'ALL JUST KILT IT! Y'all ain't scared. Y'all are fearless. Y'all believed in y'all selves, and now, y'all just made me a believer. I wanna go into a slow-mo. When y'all did that ami and uwihi? Uwahi? Uwaha? Uwehe? I'm not too good with these Hawaiian words, but when y'all did that move, I was like, 'Yeeah, dey doin' they thang!' I really just want y'all to know that whatever happens in this competition, know that y'all kilt it, and I'm proud of y'all!

Ok, so now you know why the Merrie Monarch judges are BAWSE. They are qualified to judge the art of hula and there is no argument why they shouldn't be a judge. I mean, when have you seen Lil' Mama ever dance? J-Lo is a better dancer than a singer (note: In Living Color). Steven Tyler is just....weird and crazy. Unlike dancing television shows where ultimately America decides, the Merrie Monarch judging actually affects the outcome of the competition and their entire life revolves around the culture.


Flushing the toilet while continuously yelling, "Y'ALL JUST KILT IT!" (of course I'm speaking directly to my dutes on how the bathroom smell has now been kilt),


Loa

I'm Magic, I must know baseball

By now, you probably have heard that Magic Johnson is a part of the team that bought the Los Angeles Dodgers. If you haven't, I just told you. Magic, known to be the most famous athlete/celebrity to ever grace the L.A. area, knows everything about basketball.

Magic doesn't know baseball. There are others in the organization taking care of the day-to-day operations, so Magic is more the "face" of the Dodgers. He said that his role would also include recruiting free agents (players whose contracts are finished and they are no longer obligated to that team). Could you imagine a conversation Magic, a basketball mind, would have with a baseball free agent though?

Magic: How ya doin' man, how ya doin'?

Free Agent: I'm good Magic, how are you?

M: I'm good, thank you. So what I wanted to talk about is coming to play for the Lakers.

F: You mean the Dodgers, right?

M: Yes, the Dodgers, that's what I meant. I remember when I was playing in the 1980's NBA Championship game (gazes off into outfield)--it was a beautiful thing. We had so many good things go right, we had so many of the right pieces. I think you would be the perfect piece for the Dodgers to take it to the next level.

F: You really think so?

M: Yes! I've seen you pitch, and you've got the stuff.

F: But I'm a first baseman, Magic...

M: No, no, no. Not pitch as in a pitcher (looks for an answer)...pitch as in pitch a team to strive to do better. To be a leader. You've got the stuff, son."

F: (Hesitant) Thanks...

M: I just believe that once you hit that court for this team with the direction of our head coach, you have the skills to compete for the MLB Championship.

F: Alright, Magic, first, I don't even play on a court. Second, we baseball players play under a manager. Third, it's the World Series! The MLB World Series!

Yeah, I'm sure the conversation would never be like this, but IF IT DID...


Flushing the toilet not with my hand but with magic,


Loa

You were born on leap year?

In light of this year's leap year, which is tomorrow, I figured I'd talk about the summer's warmth and how when the sun hits your skin, it blossoms into the feeling only a peacock could experience. DJ, PLAY THAT BACK!

In light of this year's leap year, I figured I'd talk about...this year's leap year. Everyone jokes around about people who were born on the 29th of February in any year like, "Ohhh, hahaha you're only four years old today!" when obviously, you dummy, he/she is 16. Not a funny joke, not a cool friend, heard it all before--although I know not of anyone who was born on the 29th so that last statement is untrue.

What if though, in some opposite-Robin-William's-Jack-kind-of-way, your body only adapted to the official day you were born. So somehow, the universe knew you were born on the 29th of February and would only grow in a year increment every four years? Woooooah (Insert: Keanu Reeve's voice and eerie music).

Btw, leap year is when there's an extra day in the year to keep the calendar year synchronized with the astronomical or seasonal calendar. Basically, February every four years has 29 days instead of 28. Thought I'd throw that out since two people I asked what leap year is had no idea. And if you want to get scientific about leap year, shaaadapp.

Flushing the toilet on February 29th once every four years (or twice if my stomach is all hamajang),

Loa

Food Paparazzi

I sit here on a plate and I am pissed. This girl who has just ordered me is once again taking out her camera phone to snap a photo of me. I say once again because before I was cooked, I watched my cousin get broiled, put on a plate and brought to the same girl. She whipped out her camera, laughing with her friends trying to get the perfect shot to document her choice of food and make everyone jealous by posting it to her social media sites. Poor, Cousin Pork Choppy IV. I'm about to be another victim.

I wish we could go back in time. Generations and generations ago, there were no camera phones and we were just simply ate. No one posted us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. We were only there to satisfy a hunger or taste--now we're labeled as "food porn." Um, I know what food and porn is, so like, ewww! How can I now be in a category under the word porn? I feel like I'm being wrongly exposed to strangers around the world.

We food are like those human celebrities trying to relax underneath the sun and everyone's taking pictures of us. No one needs to know how good we look. Why can't you just keep it to yourself? These fools with camera phones are abusing us. They don't pair us up with good wine or a tasty beer to make us happy as we are consumed--they take a picture and eat us like we're nobody. Well you know what, I'm someone! I said, I AM SOMEO...

Dammit, I'm in the belly of the beast.


Flushing the toilet from inside a stomach,


A Dead New York Steak

We want Jeremy Lin to retire, love Harvard

Dear Jeremy Lin,


We are the Harvard Student Council, and we'd like to personally congratulate you on your sudden success in the National Basketball Association (NBA). You have reached new heights in an area where we Harvard students do not usually prosper.

On that note, we'd also like to say that you are a traitor. You are now getting high praises for what we Harvard students do not strive for. We are academics, and academics only. At first, we were worried like, "Oh my, Jeremy entered the NBA draft!" But then you didn't get drafted so we were happy. Then you got picked up by the Golden State Warriors and we were worried again. But then you were released, picked up by the Houston Rockets, released, in the D-League, then picked up by the New York Knicks. All was still well because we knew you weren't going to get any play time.

Then we all know what happened: Linsanity. Ha! What a imbecilic and mindless nickname! You think you're so cool hanging out with that Carmelo guy who has those tattoos and that Amare guy who wears those glasses. Pssh...well you know what, you're not as cool as you think. They're not your people Jeremy, we're your people!

Excuse us for our informal speech, but we are just so fed up with you, Jeremy! We hold a high regard that no Harvard graduate should ever have as much success that you've managed to receive as an athlete. What would the man we named our school after, John Harvard, think if he knew that a graduate of this school was actually thriving in a sport rather than being a politician, businessman or an orchestra professional? He'd be rolling in his grave!

Remember you used to play the violin, and we'd all call you Jeremy Vio...lin? We would even use that pause when saying violin because you said it was humorous and it tickled your funny bone. Where did that Jeremy go? Who is this new Jeremy? Do you remember Henry Montgomery II? He bought 300 basketballs and inflated each and every one of them to give himself some hope that maybe this all was a dream.

We students at Harvard have initiated the "Don't Play Another Minute in the NBA, Play the Vio...lin" petition and believe me, the signatures are multiplying everyday. We'd strongly advise you to consider this letter as a caveat, and retire from the NBA to start working on getting a job in the economics sector since you did get your degree in Economics, right?

Again, you have not done the university a favor by playing this sweaty, stinky game called basketball at the professional level. Please do what we have asked and there will be no further actions on our part.



Flushing the toilet with sincereness (but not really),


The Harvard Student Council

Two separate horns in a car

Whenever you're driving, whether it'd be on a bumper-to-bumper street or a fast-paced freeway, you're bound to hear a few car horns honked your way or to a fellow driver. What car manufactures haven't thought about is a solution to vehicles only making one car-horned sound because you really don't know what the horn is suggesting. I say, make vehicles with two car horns.

Say you're driving on a street, and you see your friend biking on the side of the road. He's bumping his head and his earphones in, so you know he won't hear you when you go, "Hoooooo, Larry!" But he will hear you when you honk your horn. You honk twice, he looks your way, and he shakas in response to your honking. What you don't notice is the guy in front of you who thinks that you honked at him. He sticks his hand out of the window, eyes you out in his rearview mirror as to say, "Yeah, you think you so cool honking your horn, but you know what, you're not! Stop the car, let's fight to the death!"

The honk was taken in the wrong way.

Say you're driving on the freeway, and the car next to you unknowingly cuts you off, and you beep your horn and hold it down as to say, "Um...exxxxxcuuuuuse me! Who the hell do you think you are?! Stop the car, let's fight to the death!" But he hears the horn, smiles back at you in the rearview mirror, and throws out the shaka in response, thinking that it was a beep from his friend 'cause heck, he can't tell the difference in horn honking, it all sounds the same.

The honk was taken in the wrong way.

It would be very convenient if there were two separate horns in your car: one to say, "Hey, how are you?" and one to say, "I hope you go to sleep tonight with one eye open." That way, each receiver of a horn honk will be greeted according to how the horn honker intended to with no assumptions.

Another creation that would be helpful, and in no way against the law, would be a screen that is mounted onto your back window that allows you to type whatever you want the driver behind you to read.

If the car behind you is driving too close to your car, all you would have to do is type: "Hey man, you think you could be one car length behind me instead of being all up in my GRILL?! Lay off the gas, bro!"

If the car behind obviously looks super dumb and a dude is is driving it, and you want to start a fight: "Cool car, bro. Is your wife the mechanic of the house?"

If you accidentally cut a person off, and you felt the need to apologize because they honked one of their two horns in their car that honked negatively: "Sorry for cutting you off, can I buy you a 40 at the next gas station?"

If the car behind you is your grandma and you need to deliver a message: "Hey grandma, dinner at mom's house was changed from 6:30 to 7." She might be a bit freaked out, but it's better than texting her cave-woman's cell phone, and getting her into an accident (this device GUARANTEES you no accidents).

Whether it be a double-horned car or a screen that's mounted onto your back window, there needs to be a consideration to communicate what we're actually trying to say to the other car while driving. Help us, car manufactures, help you. Help us...help you.


Flushing the toilet while yelling HONK, HONK, HONKKKK,

Loa

I don't want to buy girl scout cookies

First and foremost, my apologies for not having written anything in a minute, I've been one, lazy, two, a girl, and three, lazy (I hate when people mention three things, but it's really only two things, with one being said twice. It's like, just because you can't think of a third thing, doesn't mean you can take the easy route and mention one thing twice).

"Would you like to support our soccer team and buy some cookies?" a little girl will ask me before I walk into the grocery store.

Her tone of voice and eyes make it hard to lie. "I'll get you guys when I come back out," I'll say in hopes that they forget me and what I said.

Trust me, I'm no A-hole, but I go to the grocery store merely to buy the necessities, and not to splurge on those tasty and tempting cookies.

Sometimes I'll catch the girls turning their back to me--"Perfs timing," I say to myself and hurry past them into the store. Other times they'll be talking to another grocery customer--"Perfs timing," I say to myself and hurry past them into the store.

Like I said, if they do in fact get in contact with me, I'm able to shut them down with my "I'll catch you on the way out" line, no problem. You'd think kids would be so damn cute and innocent that you couldn't help yourself but purchase at least a box of cookies, but it's actually the parents that I can't turn down.

When the girl asks me if I want to buy cookies, and her dad is standing behind her, staring at me like, "You better buy these damn cookies, or else you'll have a date with my fist in the parking lot," then of course, "I'll take a dozen of the Shortbread cookies and six (the dad squints his eyes at me even more), I mean a dozen of the Thin Mints too."

The girl joyfully turns around to her dad, "Daddy, daddy, this man bought 24 boxes of cookies!"

"Wow, what a great and giving man he is!" he tells her.

And now I'm left with only $15 to buy $120 worth of groceries. Thanks, pops.

If I keep up with my selfish ways where I avoid these little, ambitious kids, my future kids are screwed. No one will buy a single box of cookies from them, in no way do I have the physical appearance to eye out a customer behind my child to force them to buy cookies, and I'll have to buy their plane fares every single time for their sport trips.

That's why I'm writing this though; I've come to this realization that I have to support the children in their endeavors, so I've set up a jar, labeled "Girl Scout Cookies Fund" and I will be prepared to buy cookies from these blood sucking children!



Flushing the toilet with chocolate chip droppings,

Loa

I only sing and talk whenever I see someone

The more you're around the same people, the more you observe their usual tendencies. Like at my work, this co-worker always gets food and eats it at approximately 9:30, or like this other worker who unknowingly (I think) answers questions with another question.

What I observe from a lot of people is that they sing a song, say something, or make up a song with a made up tone only when they see someone so that they feel like their voice was heard. Let me break it dawwwwn.

Sing a song:

Throughout the course of point A to B, this person hasn't sang anything, but once he/she sees a human body (alive and alert), you hear them belt: "You are, my fire/The one, desire/Believe, when I say/I want it that way." Then, the person that heard this laughs and exclaims, "You're so stupid!" Thennnn, ten minutes later, the person who exclaimed, starts unconsciously singing the Backstreet Boys song. Then the original singer hears this, and says, "Yesssss, it caught on!"

Now of course, this isn't the singers' intention--to get another person to latch on to sing the song he/she started singing--but it's really about a person wanting to hear him/her sing A song.

Say something:


Throughout the course of point A to B, this person hasn't said anything, but once he/she sees a human body (alive and alert), you hear them complain: "Man, my leg is so sore!" Then of course, the person who heard this complaint has to ask the following question with their eyes secretly rolling: "Why?" Then that person goes through saying how he/she got charlie horsed by their little brother who had a knee the size of Shaq's, and then he/she's leg was supposed to be amputated, but right before the surgery, the doctor found out that there was nothing serious wrong with his/her leg.

It's an easier way of saying, "Hey, let me tell you what happened to my leg," without saying, "Hey, let me tell you what happened to my leg.

Make up a song with a made up tone:

Throughout the course of point A to B, this person hasn't sang or said anything, but once he/she sees a human body (alive and alert), you hear them make up a song with a made up tone: "Oooooh I hate my job/Oooooh I really, really hate my job."

Obviously, they're trying to get a point across: he or she hates their job, but they've managed to say their point by singing it. This way, it's a serious matter, but since they've made it into a song, it's playful at the same time.

I'm pretty sure I've done all three of these, and I always laugh to myself when I'm the human body that's alive and alert, being the first to hear someone sing a song, say something, or make up a song with a made up tune. Try and watch for when these scenarios take place, it's pretty classic.


Flushing the toilet with giggles,

Loa