"Why don't you just grow up!"

Has someone ever told you, "Why don't you just grow up?" I've heard it all too many times. Sometimes I feel like crying in the corner of a padded room when I get told that, but I shouldn't feel that way for I believe that I have grown up. Let me give you a few reasons how I will shut the person's pie hole when spoke those unnecessary words to me.

• Speaking: No longer do I only know how to say "mama" and actually speak with quite a vocabulary. 
• Eating: No longer do I cry when I'm hungry--I look in my refrigerator, grab a few things, and create satisfaction. I don't need my mom to airplane my spoon into my mouth, I feed myself. I use a napkin, not a bib. When I'm finished with my meal, my face is clear of any smudges or crumbs and I don't need my mom to tap my back as I burp up the goods I just ate.
• Sleeping: No longer do I pass out anywhere (alcohol unrelated), and I won't be cranky if I don't take a nap.
• Pissing/Doodooing: No longer do I just piss and take a dump in my underwear anywhere/anytime I feel like it. I walk (sometimes run) to the bathroom, unclothe, and unleash the beast.

These are some of the qualities that acknowledge the fact that I have grown up, so there is no need for the, "Why don't you just grow up!" suggestion.

So it's probably a good idea to just shaaaaaaatttttap!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

A fly and an animal with a tail

I wish sometimes I was an animal. No, not a bird so I could fly. Not a pig so I could oink. Not a turtle so I could be slow as hell. But an animal with a tail; any animal with a tail.

Why?

With every fly that came my way to constantly irritate me over and over again, waa-pah! He/she (I don't know how you differentiate between sexes of flies) would get the mean whip from my tail and die.

Now don't quote me, and say that every time a fly lands on an animal-with-a-tail's ass, they will die by the wrath of its tail. What I mean is, whatever animal body I'm in, I'm going to make it a point to rack up my fly-kill statistics.

Too many times have I let flies get away with murder, landing on my human skin, me whooshing them away, them coming back, me whooshing them away, and them coming back! It's like they're playing this stupid game of how many times it takes before I slap myself with a fly swatter (which I currently do not own so this makes no sense at all). It's time to get animal with an animal tail!

If this should teach you anything, remember that we are not all Mr. Miyagis with chopsticks; it's going to take some human-to-animal-body transformation.

I'm no boss nor chief

Recently, I've been coming across a lot of people saying, "Thanks, boss," or "Thanks, chief." While the thank you may be genuine, that is the stupidest label ever, therefore, by using those phrases, you are stupid.





Boss


I do not pay your bills. I do not tell you you're doing a horrible job when you're doing a great job just because I can, and by me degrading you, gives me great satisfaction and doesn't jeopardize my job position. I do not not pay attention to you when you ask me for a favor, I actually do it.

Chief


I do not live in a tepee. I do not dance around a fire and tell you to go on a five-day adventure to hunt down buffalos for our tribe. I do not contain one ounce of Native American blood within my mixplate genetic makeup. I do not possess any feathers. (Note: even if you mean chief in any other way, I don't care, I'm taking the Native American translation).

Saying those phrases sounds demeaning even when not intended; sounds like whoever said it is really not thankful. I'd probably suggest that instead of using boss or chief, use common worker or indian. While the latter may seem a bit too much for our equality nature...I have no reasoning, don't use indian, just use common worker.

Scenario:

"Hey, can you help me with my lightbulb? It's a tad too high, and I can't reach it, and my body is so old, and my fingers are so frail, and I can't stop talking, and my kids won't call, my husband is gone..."

"Ok, lady! I'll help."

"Thanks, common worker."

Okay yeah, that doesn't really better the label. You kind of want to punch this lady in her face now. Whatever, just quit using boss and chief, dammit!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa