Taking a look back on 5 inventions

In our generation, we're always looking forward to the newest invention or update of an electronic device that we've forgotten about the inventions that really gets us through these days. Inventions that I felt was necessary to mention so that we remember what's the real deal.

1) Can opener: There was once a day where folks would have to use a chisel and a hammer to open canned goods. The inventor of the can, Peter Durand, found a way to seal food in a can, but didn't give thought to how you could open that very can. I once used a knife because I couldn't find my can opener and although I kept my finger, blood was visible. This makes the can opener such a commodity and allows us to cook the grinds eeeeeasy.

2) Doors: Before doors, there was no privacy. There would be openings into various rooms, but you'd never be kept alone. People would be sneaking over your back to read what you were writing in your diary, see you doing sexual activities, and ultimately taking huge dumps. Until doors, life was public. Now, we can enter into closed rooms, shut the door behind us, and then get back out again.

3) Light bulb: Before the light bulb was invented by Thomas Edison, people were using lit candles to light up their houses/rooms. When you walked your chick down the hallway and into your room, which was filled with a ridiculous amount of lit candles, she didn't think it was romantic, she just was thankful that she could see where she was walking. Now, even if you got your girl with one lit candle, she's like, "OMG, this is soooo perfect!" You can thank Thomas for that one.

4) Fan: "What do you mean we don't have to rely on nature's wind in order to have a breeze in doors? You mean, you just have to plug this into the outlet, and it will create wind?!" Have you ever not possessed a fan? Then as you're sleeping, sweat forms in pockets like the backside of your knees and in your armpits. What if you're sleeping with your girl, spooning, and all she's thinking is, "Eww, he has the audacity to buy a loco moco for dinner even though I told him to watch his calories, but not purchase a damn fan so he's not sweating buckets all over me?!" A fan is crucial, especially here in Hawaii.

5) Toilet paper: I think you saw this one coming, but I had to do it. Our bodies are made to take a dump almost daily, so toilet paper is a necessity in our lives. Life without toilet paper is an itchy experience. Back in the day, people would use fruit skins, wood shavings, moss, ferns, snow, and other things I don't want the wiping of my butt to be associated with. This has to be one of the most brilliant inventions ever. Oh, I can get apps on something called an iPhone? Oh, I can watch movies on something called a television? Oh, I can warm up my food without a stove in something called a microwave? Pssh, more like I can wipe my butt after I take a huge dump and not be scratching all day with something called toilet paper!

No conclusion, I'm flushing this damn toilet,

Loa

I yell a lot, and my name is Eminem

After work, I got in my car, and Eminem was blasting on the radio barking like a mad dog again. I haven't listened to every song of Slim Shady's, but it seems as though he is yelling in every song that I hear from him. I can't imagine having a conversation with Eminem.

"Hey, what's up Em," I'd start off by saying.

"What's up, Loa!," he'd yell at me looking like he wants to start a fight.

Slowly, I'd say, "I'm doing good...how are you?"

"I'm great!" Eminem would begin. "It's such a great day! The sun is out and there was a nice breeze!"

"Why are you mad then?"

"I ain't mad!"

"Then why do you keep yelling at me?"

"I ain't yelling, homie! I ain't yelling!"

Soon after that, I would sit down with him, and let him know that I recorded our entire conversation without his consent. At first, he would be mad, but then I would give him a little nod to let him know he was getting mad, then he'd listen in on the conversation.

"I'm so sorry, Loa!" he would yell. "I mean, I'm so sorry, Loa. I don't listen to my own music, so this whole time, I didn't know I was yelling like a madman."

"It's ok, Eminem," I'd say as I consoled him. "I care about you, and I care about your well-being. You'll get through this, I know you will. It'll take time, but trust me, the world is about to change once you stop yelling madly in your songs. Have you ever thought about your throat? You yell so much that there's no need to smoke cigarettes--you're gonna eventually be speaking through a microphone out of a hole in your throat. Do you want that, Em, do you want that?!"

"No," he simply would answer with a frown.

Changes are upon us, my friends. Great changes. And it all starts with Slim Shady.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

As if you had a Facebook account

When I scroll through my Facebook Newsfeed, there's a good chance I'll see a post where someone (gosh, I guess it's one of my friends) speaks directly to an inanimate object or to family members who don't even have a Facebook account.

Example:

"Dear Finals Week, will you please be done with, so that it can be summertime, and I don't have to deal with you for a good three months!? Love, Loa."

If "Finals Week" were to somehow speak directly back to you, it'd probably say something like:

"Dear Loa, it's really up to you. Trust me, I could care less if you took me or not, 'cause honestly, you're probably wasting your time, and you may not fail me, but will fail to graduate. Love, Finals Week."

Or for the family member who doesn't have a Facebook account:

"Happy Birthday, Dad! I love you so much, and hope you have a wonderful day! So happy you're in my life :)"

It's like, I know your dad doesn't have a Facebook account; he's the last person who would have one. We all know he's Internet illiterate, and would rather be watching TV and drinking a beer than wondering what everyone's up to. And if you want to tell your dad Happy Birthday, um...just tell him yourself. Walk outside of your room, and tell him. He's not there? Call him. And if he doesn't have a Facebook, who are you talking to? You just wanted everyone to know how cute, how much you love your dad, and that it's his birthday? That's cool.

But I guess we all put posts on our Facebook to receive love from our friends. A comment would be great! But a "like" would suffice too. I look forward to the next string of direct speakings to inanimate objects and family members who don't have a Facebook account.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

And Then There Was A Recipe

A really short story for the readers:

Once upon a time, there was a day, when companies like Bisquick and Onion Soup didn't have recipes on the back of their boxes. People would pass these no-recipe-boxes in supermarkets and be like, "Why would I ever consider buying this product, I don't even know what to use it for!"

As many owners of these kinds of products noticed that no one in their right mind were buying them, they were like, "You know what, let's take our product off the shelves and remodel our packaging."

Meetings upon meetings and arguments upon arguments and even collaborations upon collaborations took place. One idea was that instead of their boxes being non-see through, they'd put a transparent window which would allow consumers to see what they were buying. Someone stood up and said, "Are you out of your mind, Tommy! I oughtta go over there and slap your head, you idiot!"

Then one day, it hit; they finally came up with the right idea: "Let's put recipes on the back of the box so that when people look at this product, they'll know what some of the possibilities they can create with our product!"

Even if you don't look at the back of the box, which I assume everyone doesn't, if you don't know what to create with the products you purchase, I hope Tommy, the guy who came up with the bad idea, will come out of nowhere and slap your head.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

I should have got that joke patented

A few months ago, I came up with this joke, and have received much praise (in laughter) on it up until this very day. It got me thinking that whoever I told this joke to might steal it from me, and claim their creative brilliance. Then I was like, how does one know where a certain joke originated from?

Fat jokes, your mama jokes--every single joke that has ever been made up has an originator, but when that joke is told, the originator gets no love. Shame on you, musicians, who cry about their music being stolen. Um, yeah maybe your song was downloaded for free, but you got some money out of it; these dudes making up jokes get their joke stolen and receive no benefits, no nothin'!

Anyway, how would you go about getting a joke patented? The definition of patent is "a government authority to an individual or organization conferring a right or title, esp. the sole right to make, use, or sell some invention," and mmhmm, a joke is an invention, and if one can make money off a joke, then heck, let me patent that damn thing!

And if a joke was somehow patented, what would happen if someone decided to use the joke without authority or permission and who would regulate it? I'm gonna go ahead and say that whoever regulated it, would probably make sure you died. Yeah...dead.

Okay, maybe being able to patent a joke isn't the best idea...

Oh, what was the joke?

So you'd go up to someone and say, "Do you have the new app for your phone? The one you can chat on it with other people?" Then he/she most likely would get into it asking if it was this or that app, and then you'd cut them off and say, "Chattttttttt app!!"

Get it patented right? I know.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

A Piano That's Destructive

Next door to me in my apartment complex lives an older man who lives with a woman who looks much younger than him who I believe her to be his wife. Everyday around early afternoon until about dusk, children walk past my apartment to take piano lessons from the older man's wife.

As soon as the children walk in the door, I can hear classical songs being learned from every room in my apartment. At first, I was like, "Shut uppppppp!" but then I grew to pay no mind to it. On the contrary for the older man, I don't think he's ever gotten over it.

From what I see, he walks out of his apartment about twenty times a day, and chain smokes his life away. If I come home from wherever I was, there's a good chance he's outside smoking a cigarette. As an older man, maybe the sound is too unbearable.

He hears the same songs being taught by his wife, and this has to drive him crazy. It's not a mutual business relationship like a husband/wife duo where they're known as the "Piano Teaching Spouses," and enjoy the love of music teaching; that has to be far from the truth.

Heck, a few times I've seen him downstairs in his car, reading the newspaper. Yeah, reading the newspaper in his car! I know the thought, "I've gotta get away!!" was running through his head. Listening to something so repetitive like piano lessons can be destructive to one's ears.

But it's the same thing as the radio stations playing songs so repetitively. Throughout one hour, you'll hear the same song so much that you'll start to turn to another radio station. Then that station will be playing songs repetitively that all stations begin to kill your favorite songs.

So stick to the iPod connector, and I'll probably buy some ear muffs for my homeboy next door.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

foursquare--Not the Kind With the Kickball

Since I've joined Twitter, I've seen posts that locate where that certain person is at that very moment, which are carried out by a website called foursquare.

foursquare can be used by smartphones, and the website reportedly is being used by 8 million people. It's a pretty cool website to let people know where you are, and what you're doing.

If you don't have Twitter, I'm sure you've seen the "Check-in" opportunity on Facebook where you can tell people where you are, and who you're there with. It's a pretty cool way to let people know where you are, and what you're doing.

I have absolutely no problem with people using these forms of social networking. But what if...:

• You have a stalker, and now they can easily know where you are and the address. They know what you like to do, where you work, where you live, and how often you go to certain places. He/she may be outside your place right now, peeking at your every movement. Do you dare look outside?
• There's a guy/woman that wants to scrap you that you want no part of. For instance, if there was a huge bradah that wanted to physically impair me beyond my comprehension, and I didn't know that, and I foursquared or Checked-in, and the guy was like, "So this is where this scrub is, huh? He's dead!"
• You have an ex-girlfriend/pyscho (or ex-boyfriend/psycho) that follows your updates on the social networks like fat guy checks his refrigerator every three minutes. She'll be like, "Oh my gawd, why are you there, and why the (beep) are you with her?! I'm coming there right now! And when I get there, you and her BETTER be there!" She wants you back, but she's crazy, and with you hollering to the world where you are, she'll have easy access to your whereabouts, and she seems even more crazy! 

Cool ways of communicating where you are, but as a caveat, you may want to be careful where you put out to the world where you are at this very moment.


Flushing the toilet,


Loa Patao