Food Paparazzi

I sit here on a plate and I am pissed. This girl who has just ordered me is once again taking out her camera phone to snap a photo of me. I say once again because before I was cooked, I watched my cousin get broiled, put on a plate and brought to the same girl. She whipped out her camera, laughing with her friends trying to get the perfect shot to document her choice of food and make everyone jealous by posting it to her social media sites. Poor, Cousin Pork Choppy IV. I'm about to be another victim.

I wish we could go back in time. Generations and generations ago, there were no camera phones and we were just simply ate. No one posted us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. We were only there to satisfy a hunger or taste--now we're labeled as "food porn." Um, I know what food and porn is, so like, ewww! How can I now be in a category under the word porn? I feel like I'm being wrongly exposed to strangers around the world.

We food are like those human celebrities trying to relax underneath the sun and everyone's taking pictures of us. No one needs to know how good we look. Why can't you just keep it to yourself? These fools with camera phones are abusing us. They don't pair us up with good wine or a tasty beer to make us happy as we are consumed--they take a picture and eat us like we're nobody. Well you know what, I'm someone! I said, I AM SOMEO...

Dammit, I'm in the belly of the beast.


Flushing the toilet from inside a stomach,


A Dead New York Steak