And Then There Was A Recipe

A really short story for the readers:

Once upon a time, there was a day, when companies like Bisquick and Onion Soup didn't have recipes on the back of their boxes. People would pass these no-recipe-boxes in supermarkets and be like, "Why would I ever consider buying this product, I don't even know what to use it for!"

As many owners of these kinds of products noticed that no one in their right mind were buying them, they were like, "You know what, let's take our product off the shelves and remodel our packaging."

Meetings upon meetings and arguments upon arguments and even collaborations upon collaborations took place. One idea was that instead of their boxes being non-see through, they'd put a transparent window which would allow consumers to see what they were buying. Someone stood up and said, "Are you out of your mind, Tommy! I oughtta go over there and slap your head, you idiot!"

Then one day, it hit; they finally came up with the right idea: "Let's put recipes on the back of the box so that when people look at this product, they'll know what some of the possibilities they can create with our product!"

Even if you don't look at the back of the box, which I assume everyone doesn't, if you don't know what to create with the products you purchase, I hope Tommy, the guy who came up with the bad idea, will come out of nowhere and slap your head.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

I should have got that joke patented

A few months ago, I came up with this joke, and have received much praise (in laughter) on it up until this very day. It got me thinking that whoever I told this joke to might steal it from me, and claim their creative brilliance. Then I was like, how does one know where a certain joke originated from?

Fat jokes, your mama jokes--every single joke that has ever been made up has an originator, but when that joke is told, the originator gets no love. Shame on you, musicians, who cry about their music being stolen. Um, yeah maybe your song was downloaded for free, but you got some money out of it; these dudes making up jokes get their joke stolen and receive no benefits, no nothin'!

Anyway, how would you go about getting a joke patented? The definition of patent is "a government authority to an individual or organization conferring a right or title, esp. the sole right to make, use, or sell some invention," and mmhmm, a joke is an invention, and if one can make money off a joke, then heck, let me patent that damn thing!

And if a joke was somehow patented, what would happen if someone decided to use the joke without authority or permission and who would regulate it? I'm gonna go ahead and say that whoever regulated it, would probably make sure you died. Yeah...dead.

Okay, maybe being able to patent a joke isn't the best idea...

Oh, what was the joke?

So you'd go up to someone and say, "Do you have the new app for your phone? The one you can chat on it with other people?" Then he/she most likely would get into it asking if it was this or that app, and then you'd cut them off and say, "Chattttttttt app!!"

Get it patented right? I know.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

A Piano That's Destructive

Next door to me in my apartment complex lives an older man who lives with a woman who looks much younger than him who I believe her to be his wife. Everyday around early afternoon until about dusk, children walk past my apartment to take piano lessons from the older man's wife.

As soon as the children walk in the door, I can hear classical songs being learned from every room in my apartment. At first, I was like, "Shut uppppppp!" but then I grew to pay no mind to it. On the contrary for the older man, I don't think he's ever gotten over it.

From what I see, he walks out of his apartment about twenty times a day, and chain smokes his life away. If I come home from wherever I was, there's a good chance he's outside smoking a cigarette. As an older man, maybe the sound is too unbearable.

He hears the same songs being taught by his wife, and this has to drive him crazy. It's not a mutual business relationship like a husband/wife duo where they're known as the "Piano Teaching Spouses," and enjoy the love of music teaching; that has to be far from the truth.

Heck, a few times I've seen him downstairs in his car, reading the newspaper. Yeah, reading the newspaper in his car! I know the thought, "I've gotta get away!!" was running through his head. Listening to something so repetitive like piano lessons can be destructive to one's ears.

But it's the same thing as the radio stations playing songs so repetitively. Throughout one hour, you'll hear the same song so much that you'll start to turn to another radio station. Then that station will be playing songs repetitively that all stations begin to kill your favorite songs.

So stick to the iPod connector, and I'll probably buy some ear muffs for my homeboy next door.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

foursquare--Not the Kind With the Kickball

Since I've joined Twitter, I've seen posts that locate where that certain person is at that very moment, which are carried out by a website called foursquare.

foursquare can be used by smartphones, and the website reportedly is being used by 8 million people. It's a pretty cool website to let people know where you are, and what you're doing.

If you don't have Twitter, I'm sure you've seen the "Check-in" opportunity on Facebook where you can tell people where you are, and who you're there with. It's a pretty cool way to let people know where you are, and what you're doing.

I have absolutely no problem with people using these forms of social networking. But what if...:

• You have a stalker, and now they can easily know where you are and the address. They know what you like to do, where you work, where you live, and how often you go to certain places. He/she may be outside your place right now, peeking at your every movement. Do you dare look outside?
• There's a guy/woman that wants to scrap you that you want no part of. For instance, if there was a huge bradah that wanted to physically impair me beyond my comprehension, and I didn't know that, and I foursquared or Checked-in, and the guy was like, "So this is where this scrub is, huh? He's dead!"
• You have an ex-girlfriend/pyscho (or ex-boyfriend/psycho) that follows your updates on the social networks like fat guy checks his refrigerator every three minutes. She'll be like, "Oh my gawd, why are you there, and why the (beep) are you with her?! I'm coming there right now! And when I get there, you and her BETTER be there!" She wants you back, but she's crazy, and with you hollering to the world where you are, she'll have easy access to your whereabouts, and she seems even more crazy! 

Cool ways of communicating where you are, but as a caveat, you may want to be careful where you put out to the world where you are at this very moment.


Flushing the toilet,


Loa Patao

Keiki Inside...So What?

On many occasions, as I'm driving, I'll see that the vehicle in front of me sporting the "Keiki Inside" sticker. For those of you who don't know what that sticker means, obviously, you're a foolio, but it means that the driver has a child inside their car, and if you could be on alert, and drive carefully for that mere fact.

I know people think this, but I don't recall seeing the sticker and thinking to myself, "Hey, it's a "Keiki Inside" sticker; I should start driving more carefully than I usually do." Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because, uh, I drive carefully all the time, derrrrr! Even though that thought may not come into my head as I see that sticker, two thoughts do come to mind:

Should I be driving more recklessly if you didn't have that sticker? Say I do get in an accident of a minor extent, and we need to fill out a police report because let's say, it was your fault. Does it now become my fault because you have that sticker?

The "Keiki Inside" sticker is basically a cheaper and less-illegal way of having a police siren attached to your car. When other drivers see that sticker, they act as if a police car is behind them, driving with all caution necessary to not get pulled over.

So even though I don't possess a keiki, I've been thinking about getting the "Keiki Inside" sticker and sticking that bad boy on my car. Then no dummie drivers would mess with me. "Yeah, I roll around with no keiki, but you don't know that, and I've got the sticker, so don't you be cutting me off!"

But if everyone were to put that sticker on their car today, it'd be pretty funny tomorrow. Like, "Dude, how many kids were born like, yesterday?"

So you guys better drive carefully all the time, and if you see that sticker, drive MORE carefully!

Another YouTube Video? Frrrrrrrrick...

"Eh, you ever seen that YouTube video where that kid is in the car with his dad and he's all high after being at the dentist?"

"No."

"What?!?! Here, let me show you!"

OK, we all know that video is "David After Dentist," and obviously, that's a really funny video. But how often does this happen when your friend asks you if you've ever seen a certain video on Youtube, and you answer that you haven't, and he/she absolutely just NEEDS to show you that video? Then, you have to both gather around the computer screen and watch the video. Granted, the video may be funny, but it also may be a waste of time, so I always approach the situation hesitantly. And in my head, I'm like, "Frrrrrick, another video?" but outside, I'm smiling, like, "Hahaha, no, I've never seen that video before."

You may really not want to watch another video that they're suggesting to watch, but the whole idea is to not be a dickhead to your friends because they've took the time to ask you about a video that they think is worth watching. They liked it, you might too. And then if you don't in fact like the video, you have lie via facial reactions. "That's pretty classic..." Even a "Haha" will do.

I'm aware that if any of my friends read this, they will probably never ask me if I've seen a certain video and if I haven't, show me. But oddly enough, I'm usually that guy who's suggesting a video to watch...I wonder if my friends do what I do to me???


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

No Need For a Sign, Just a Parrot

Currently, I'm working in Waikiki, and what I've noticed is one dude who sits near the Outrigger Hotel with a sign asking kindly if anyone can spare him some change because he's "hungry." For my dear life, I can't remember a time when I seen anyone give their hard earned cash to him.

But what I do see in my curious observations are these dudes on Kalakaua Avenue with parrots that are making some good mula. Let me just say that I'm not entirely sure if they're homeless, but word on the street is that they are. And from the looks and actions of them, they seem like they definitely could be in the homeless range. How they have parrots, beats me.

Tourists on vacation won't even stop by a dude holding a sign who's begging for a few dollars, but regardless of how you look, if you have a parrot or two on your shoulder, you better believe tourists will stop by, and give you money for taking a picture with your parrots.

After work one day, I had a few beers and went outside onto Kalakaua Ave. I seen two of these parrot holders outside; one a haole guy, and one an older, local guy. I was like, "What's up guys, can I get a picture?" The older, local guy was like, "No, no, no. Are you F.B.I. or C.I.A.?" I started laughing to myself. F.B.I. or C.I.A.? That was a first. "No, I just wanna get a picture of you guys and the parrots, they're beautiful parrots," I replied, recomposed in my buzzing state. The local guy said to take a picture of his haole friend and the haole guy was more than happy to take a picture of himself with his parrot.

As we were about to take a picture, a haole tourist who was carrying a longboard over his head, walked in between us. The parrot guy just went berserk! He yells at the guy, "What the f*ck do you think you're doing? I'm trying to take a picture!" But the haole tourist just kept on walking, minding his own business. He then tells me, "Hold my parrot," and puts the parrot on my shoulder and walks away towards the tourist saying, "I'm gonna knock his ass out!" He took about ten steps, walked back towards me, took the parrot, and took this picture.

I dug out after that, and literally said to myself, "Did that just happen?"

It's crazy though how these tourists will let their little children take pictures with these parrots that they don't know if they're healthy or if they're clean, or if their owners are...um, all there. And then they pay them some cash.

 I'd say, if you're a homeless dude, find out how to get yourself a parrot and make that paper!


Flushing the toilet,

Loa