Using an iPad is not so sly

When you witness something out of the ordinary like a man irresponsibly wearing short shorts, you want to take a picture of it and post it on your social media sites so that all your friends can see what you saw and say, "Oh man, look at what Loa saw, he's so funny!"

Nowadays, everyone's taking a picture of everything using their phone. You walk past a tree, you take a picture. You're about to eat a delicious meal, you take a picture. You see you a boy dog and a girl dog getting in position to...walk with their owner, you take a picture. You get the point, everything at any given moment is subject to a snapshot.

But just how sly can you be taking a picture with an iPad?

"Hey, we need to find a way to get this," I would tell my friend.

I'd then direct my friend to stand in a way as to block my iPad such that my unassuming target, a dude irresponsibly wearing short shorts, would be unable to detect any covert picture-taking.

"Um, yeah, hi," the guy would stand up and say. "Yeah, over here. I heard what you said and see you with your iPad trying to take a picture of me. You don't think I notice an iPad?...or can hear?"

"My iPad? Oh this thing? It's a book...a black book. A sleek, black book that I sometimes like to read out loud to my friend here, Ricardo. It's a story, called 'Find a Way.'"

"Uh, no it's not. You'd be surprised to know that I work for Apple so when you say that's not an iPad, I'll respond to you that the dimensions of an iPad are 9.50 inches by 7.31 inches. Oh you go by millimeters? That would be 241.2 millimeters by 185.7 millimeters. The depth is 0.37 inch and it weighs 1.46 pounds...662 grams, if you will. That "black book" you're holding, is very similar to the device I'm describing. Don't play dumb with me. I may irresponsibly be wearing short shorts, but I ain't dumb. Shall I go on?"

"No dude, I'm seriously reading this book on my iPad to Ricardo. Look, it's really called, "Find a Way" by Merril Hoge, ya friggin' dick. It's about him overcoming all these obstacles to achieve his goal and to achieve a life that's worth a darn...ya friggin' dick!"

I would then show him the front cover of "Find a Way" on my iPad:

Then the guy who was irresponsibly wearing short shorts would sit with his head down thinking he's such a jerk, and I would slyly take a picture without him noticing. It's tough to secretly take a picture with an iPad, but if you got dem skills, you got dem skills.


Flushing the toilet as I have too, Found the Way,


Loa

Like an unhappy kid in a candy store

Recently I've been hearing quite a few "kid in a candy store" references to describe how happy so and so was. But think about how you think a kid feels like in a candy store and how a kid actually does feel like, you would get two different scenarios.

According to the website, "English, Baby!" the expression, "kid in a candy store" means feeling as though all of one's wishes are coming true; feeling as though one has everything in life; extremely happy because of all the good things are happening.

Ok. Let's see if this definition holds true:

Kid, let's call him Billy, walks into a candy store, eyes big as one's eyes could ever be.

"Ok, Billy, here it is," his mom would say. "Your first experience in a candy store. How does it feel?"

"Oh my, mom! I've never seen sucha beauty. All these candies, all these opportunities just perfectly waiting to get my taste buds in a frenzy!"

"I remember my first time like it was yesterday (gazing off into the past). It was me, your Aunty Becky, and grandpa. We were..."

Soon, Billy's mom would suddenly come to present day life and see little Billy throwing all kinds of candies into the wagon.

"Now Billy, you can't have all the candy you want," his mom would inform him.

"Wait, what do you mean I can't have all the candy I want, you crazy woman? Do you see all of this candy?! How am I supposed to satisfy the desires that lay deep within my heart and soul?"

"What do you think this is, Billy? You think you can just be a kid in a candy store and have EVERYTHING you want?! That's not how this works, son."

Billy would start throwing a fit, crying, whining and making the biggest scene.

"This sucks, mom! I am so disappointed in this trip to the candy store. Why would you do this to me?! Why?! Whhhhhhyyyyyy?! Wait, was your first time in a candy store this sucky, mommy?"

"No. Grandpa was rich. We broke."



Flushing the toilet with leftover Halloween candy,


Loa

I blame third world countries

Remember back in the day when you were once a little tot, there was never a time you wouldn't hear your mother or your father exclaim, "You better finish all that food on your plate!"? You could never leave the dinner table without that last grain of rice being consumed and all hope was lost. You were thinking in your head like, "Man, are these two people in front of my eyes that are my so-called parents serious right now? I'm just tryin' to get my damn hands on some Nintendo sticks." But what was their reason though?

Soon after that aforementioned quote from one of your parents, the following would...um, follow: "You know there are people out in the world starving?" But how did they know this, and who were those "people"?

As young, striving adults who didn't know what was wrong from right, your parents were hypnotized by commercials and protesters who showed children in third world countries starving for food and that whoever was watching those commercials should donate money to feed them--that or destroy the government.

"Oh my (gasp)! That can't be true," your parents would cry out. "When I have children of my own, there is no way my kids will leave that darn dinner table without finishing all of their food! I stand by my word, and my word is all I got, it's all I got."

Years later when you were born, you first didn't want to finish your baby food. But, "Heeeere comes the airplane!" and food was forced into your childish mouth. It all began there and didn't stop. Fast forward to now, you might eat a plate of food, see that extra bits of leftovers and think,"Who am I to not eat the rest of this food? Full or not, I was raised to not leave any food on my plate and that I shall do."

We people have it so hard here thinking whether or not we should finish our plate of food. Shut up about your problems and finish yo damn food.


Flushing the toilet with a full belly,

Loa

Wait, Don't Look Now!

I'm sure you've been in that situation where you and your friend are talking to each other and you notice a person who looks like someone and you tell your friend,"Don't look now, but the guy over there, see him?"

Your friend looks immediately.

"No, no, no, no, no, not right now, dummy! You're an idiot, I said not right now."

At that instant, the guy you were pointing out has already noticed that you guys are seemingly talking about him--not by hear, but by feeling. So he acts as if he's paying attention to the conversation he's having with his friend, but he's in fact keying in on you two.

"Whatever, so what about him," says your friend.

"Remember the movie, "Saving Silverman?" Doesn't he look like the coach who's in jail and when the two dudes ask him for advice on what they should do after they kidnapped Silverman's chick, he instructs the guys to kill her?"

Your friend, out of one eye, looks at the guy again, then starts to laugh,"Hahahaha, yeah he does!"

By this time, the guy obviously knows you're talking about him and gives you an eye so stink, that even a skunk would be like,"Dayyum! Now thas some stink ass eyes!"

He comes over, "You guys got a problem with me or something?"

"Uh, no sir. I was just complimenting your impressive cardigan to my friend here. Where could I find one like that?"

"Shut up, you dick heads."


Flushing the toilet secretly writing about this dude who was sitting next to me,


Loa

Beer Goggle Yourself

Beer goggles: A condition that exists, while in a drunken state, where a member of the opposite sex appears much more attractive than when sober.

Guys, you've all been in a situation where the opposite sex looked much better when you were drunk rather than they would be if you were sober. It's a crazy concept, but it's so true. When you're in a drunken state, you see a girl and you're like, "Awwwww yeeeeuh! I'mma get on this tonight!" Then you see that person again in a sober state and you're like, "Wow...um...I was pretty ripped last night."

But what if instead of using beer goggles on women, we used it for ourselves? You can get yourself into a drunken state, go to the nearest bathroom, look yourself in the mirror and be like, "Uuuu boy, you lookin' good tonight! Who looks good? You look good! Who's gonna get all the ladies tonight? You gonna get all the ladies tonight! Damn, you look good! What's up, what's up?! Ain't nobdoy gonna stop you, ya heard? Nobody! You got this, boy!"

After the buzzed pep talk, you then step outside to the bar or the club and work your damn magic on the ladies. The gals. The chickitos. The females. The "uuu she get it from her mamas."

You shy? Drink up. You nervous? Drink up. You think you're ugs? Drink up. You think you da man? Shut up. You start cruising with some hotties? Thaswhatsup.


Flushing the toilet like a G,

Loa

10 Qualities of a Tough Man

These are some of the qualities of a tough man, but only because he's around other people or his girlfriend:

1) He tells another man in a bar, "Were you just looking at my girl?" and then fights him.

2) He walks into haunted houses during Halloween and says, "Pssh, that wasn't even scary."

3) He goes out at night without an ID because he says that he knows all the bouncers.

4) He drinks a lot of beer and tells his girlfriend, "Babe, I'm not even buzzing yet."

5) He skateboards down steep hills for a few seconds then tells everyone, "Yeah, that hill? I bombed the entire thing."

6) He tells his girl that he watched that one scary movie by himself at nighttime with all the lights off.

7) He tells everyone that he doesn't have  a favorite alcoholic drink because he'll drink anything.

8) He tells everyone, "Nah, Facebook is for kids."

9) He kills a cockroach when a girl screams, "OMG, a cockroach! Get it! Get it!"

10) He stays in the ocean way past sunset because he claims the shark is his 'aumakua.

Flushing the toilet with huge mahscles,

Loa

A conversation with the creator of lyrics on YouTube

Remember there was a time when you were listening to a song, and you wanted to sing-along with it, but you were too lazy to look for the lyrics online? Then, by the grace of God, someone came up with the brightest idea to post a YouTube video with not only the song, but with the lyrics too?!

Not to brag, but I know the inventor! He wants to keep his name anonymous, so I'll just call him Marcus McDoodlemeister, but I did however sit down with him today to talk inspiration, fish and karaoke in this exclusive and rare interview.

Loa: Hey what's up, man? How you been?

Marcus: Hey, not much. I'm good, man. Currently working on some new songs as we speak.

Loa: What songs are you doing and what genre do you usually do?

Marcus: Working on this vintage Busta Rhymes freestyle. It's taking me a while because it's ten minutes long, but I'm almost half way done. Also doing a John Mayer tune too. The song's not out yet, but I have connections. I pretty much do any genre. One day I'll do Chris Brown, and the next I'll be doing Reba McEntire--all depends on my mood and what people suggest.

Loa: Nice. So the obvious question, how did you think of putting a song with lyrics on a YouTube video?

Marcus: Well, it all started when I aspired to be a YouTube sensation. I tried being in front of the camera and posted a bunch of vids. After numerous dislikes and nasty comments, I came to the conclusion that I didn't have the pizzaz nor the physical bone structure to be a successful hit. One night while watching music videos on YouTube, I was singing along with the lyrics from another website, and I was like, "Dude, this sucks! I wanna see the lyrics on one page!" So after some thought and many dark nights, I came up with the idea to not only post the song on YouTube, but add and match the lyrics as the song went on--sort of like karaoke.

Loa: Are you a big karaoke fan?

Marcus: I've been known to sing a few tunes up on the stage (giggles with his right hand covering mouth). But really, I love to sing. Of course, I don't possess the voice of a Kelly Clarkson, but I'm not afraid to show my singing side. I think in a way, I'm kind of stepping on karaoke's feet by posting these videos, but the music business didn't like Sean Parker when he created Napster, so be it.

Loa: Do you feel like you're the new Sean Parker?

Marcus: C'mon man! You know I'd never compare myself to Mr. Parker...But if I had to, then yes, I would say I am the new Sean Parker.

Loa: Ok, so you have to tell me if this is true. I heard that one time at a restaurant you ordered fish and they ran out, you got so mad that you told one of the creators of YouTube, Steve Chen, to ban your server from YouTube. Is that true?

Marcus: Unfortunately, that is true. I was on a date with a hot-smoking red-head and I just really wanted to wine and dine her. I was being really smooth, ordering the most expensive wine, saying that her dress really complimented her hair--you know, things like that. And when I got to the fish situation, I just lost it. I don't know--I just really love fish. I was so frustrated that I hit up Steve and was like, "Bro, Larry Finnegan, prohibit him from ever using YouTube." I didn't even have to explain myself, Steve immediately barred him from using YouTube.

Loa: Til this day is he still not allowed on YouTube?

Marcus: Oh yeah, of course. I feel bad, but I don't take those kind of things lightly. There are three things people need to realize that I really love: YouTube and fish.

Loa: The third?

Marcus: Huh?

Loa: The third thing that you love?

Marcus: ...clean socks.

Loa: Ok. Any inspirations?

Marcus: Yeah of course. More recently, Barak Obama, Michelle Obama, Sasha Obama and Malia Obama.

Loa: So basically, not only Barak, but his wife and their two children?

Marcus: Yeah. they're just a great family. I heard they can all sing too--voices of not angels, probably. You're not going to believe me, but I have a poster of them on my wall at my mom's house. She's a Republican though, and had a really bad vacation in Hawaii. So when she comes into my room, I created this device where a poster of Bill Clinton and his family when he was in office covers the Obama family. Sometimes it's a pretty close call.

Loa: Trust me, I believe you. You really are a weird cat, but it's cool though. Any last thoughts?

Marcus: Jessica Simpson once said, "Is it weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?" And that's how I kind of look at life. It may be weird to others, but if weird to others is normal to me, I'm totally fine with being weird. Shout out to my mom, YouTube, and lyrics!


Flushing the toilet singing-a-long to the YouTube jams,

Loa