A poem written on my toilet

*This is dedicated to my dear friend, Aikane Manuia

My friend was teasing me the other night--if you cant tell, it was Aikane--on how my blog was about me writing poems while I sat on the toilet. I think his words were, "Why don't you just go on your toilet and write poems!" So I figured to myself, why not grant him his wish, and write a poem as my naked butt sits on my toilet. But I'd like to think that I'm not actually on a toilet, but rather on a stage with my fellow bongo player.

It is night time
The sky has just turned orange
Where am I?
And seriously, why would the night sky be orange?

I'm in a lava field
Way below the field
Because if I were above the lava field, obviously
The sky wouldn't be orange

I'm swimming for the top
I need to escape to where it's blue
My arms are hurting, not from the arduous human paddling
But from these damn lava burns that I'm collecting

But wait, what's that? Could it be blue?
I must have escaped to the top!
Nope, it's just a checkpoint sign that of all colors in the world, it happens to be blue

I'm halfway there, I tell myself
Go, go, go, the cheerleaders cheer me
But the lava keeps pushing me down
Go, go, go, the swim team cheer me as they do cool synchronized leg movements

I have a languid body
I don't think I'll make it this time
We all can't be winners, right?
"Ask LeBron," one swimmer says.

I see a crowd of people yelling
Half of them for me, half of them against me, and weirdly another half yelling at their children
Three halves?
The orchestra from the Titanic is playing the Music when a protagonist is al.most.there.
I've made it

Everyone has disappeared except the noise of a violin
Sooothing, soft sounds grace my earlobe only, not
My whole ear
A man walks up to me

"You've passed level one, now on to level two of Two hundred and thirty-nine levels."
Dun, dun, dun...

It is night time
The sky has just turned orange
Where am I?
And seriously, why would the night sky be orange?



So, yeah, there it is. Great visuals, and solid structure is how I'd describe this elite poem. Also, I'd rate it at about a 9 3/4 out if a 10; could use just a bit more orange I feel like. But if you can take something away from this, shaaaaadap, I don't write poems!


Flushing the toilet with strength,

Loa

Christmas in the hood

*Just got my computer back from repair, and I was too lazy to write from my iPhone, so I'm sorry, but I'm back homedogs.

It's Christmas time, so why not, let's talk about Christmas.

Each year, a popular artist like Mariah Carey or Josh Groban will come out with a Christmas album, and the masses will run to their computers (it's not music stores nowadays), and purchase the album online in hopes that this will be the new voice to their most current Christmas season.

I say new voice only because every song is the same songs people have been hearing since the 1800s like "Silent Night" and "Deck the Halls." This year's voice of Christmas would undoubtedly have to be Michael Buble, and his Christmas album, aptly entitled, "Christmas." I'm sure it took months to think of that title.

You can thank my girlfriend, who woke me up one morning, and told me to buy the album on iTunes. I like Christmas music and this album, but it is the same songs. Let's look at the titles:

1. It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
2. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
3. Jingle Bells
4. White Christmas
5. All I Want For Christmas Is You
6. Holly Jolly Christmas
7. Santa Baby (It's kind of weird hearing only a dude sing this song)
8. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
9. Christmas
10. Silent Night
11. Blue Christmas
12. Cold December Night
13. I'll Be Home For Christmas
14. Ave Maria
15. Mis Deseos/Feliz Navidad

I think it's safe to say that errbody has heard 99% of these songs at some point in their Christmas music-listening. I like it though. It has that Buble-orchestra feel to it, so that's always cool to hear.

But if you wanted to hear Christmas songs that you might have never heard before, listen to hip-hop Christmas music. These songs all put twists to classics, and comes out really humorous. Here, check some out:

Afroman--12 J's of X-Mas

Snoop Dogg ft Daz Dillinger, Nate Dogg, Bad Azz, and Tray Dee 

--Santa Goes Straight To The Ghetto

Run DMC ft Mase, Diddy, Snoop Dogg, Salt N Pepa,

Onyx, and Keith Murray--Santa Baby

Yeah, no one can really redo these songs like singers can redo the classic Christmas songs you hear every winter, but hey, that's what makes these songs even more classic!

Flushing the toilet with seasonal holiday scented spray,

Loa

I buy, but I never finish

Ever been to the grocery store, walked past the fruits and veggies, and put them in your cart knowing there was a good chance you weren't going to finish them?

I'm guilty, and there are two things that I buy but never fully eat, ultimately getting rotten: bananas and lettuce (sucks it has to be nutritious foods, and not junk food like ones that clog up your arteries causing you to have to punch your chest like Chris Farley in that Da Bears Saturday Night Live skit).

As I walk pass the fruits, I think to myself, "Hey Loa, this might be a great opportunity to get some kind of fruit in your system with all the loco mocos and BBQ chicken plates you've been devouring, hmm?" So I'll pick a bunch of bananas and throw it into my cart. Days pass, one banana gone, but the bunch is still in tact.

I walk pass the produce section, and I think to myself, "Why, with you adding fruit to your daily food intake, wouldn't it be perfect if you add some lettuce?!" Joyful, I'll get a bundle of lettuce not even questioning if my dressing at home has expired or not. I'll get home, make salad the same night I bought the lettuce, then leave the rest in my refrigerator to rot until I think it's time to finally throw it away with the bunch of bananas I've left on my kitchen counter.

It's still a mystery why I allow myself to let my bananas and lettuce rot. If there's anything to learn from this, and I assure you, there's nothing, it's that you should never leave anything undone. Finish your damn bananas and lettuce!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

It's only because I'm not able to speak

I was at my girlfriend's house one night, and she was dogsitting her uncle's dog, Bailey. We'd take turns throwing a tennis ball in various places in the living room, and she'd retrieve it. Once in a while, Bailey would stare at the wall and pay no mind to the tennis ball. It was as if Bailey thought there was something there that we couldn't see. Spooky? A little.

I thought to myself, "Why is it even a little spooky?" Then I immediately thought of scary movies, and what made these movies spooky?

Here's the answer: most of the characters who make movies spooky can't speak any language whatsoever: animals who just stare or bark into darkness and it seems to the human eye that nothing is there, babies who  cry and his/her parents don't know why she's crying, possessed girls, kids who are not old enough to speak, Asians who don't say a single word and just look fricken freaky, big men who look retarded and wear masks to hide their ugly face, etc.

It's like, of course they're going to be spooky because they can't convey a single word to express how they feel. They don't even know sign language, how do you expect them to be happy? And if these spooky characters can speak properly, there is something absolutely wrong in their head.

Try watching a scary flick and see why the spooky characters are spooky. You might see the film differently this time and it should be more classic too.

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

Can I have your autograph?

"Hey! Hey! Can I have your autograph?!"

At one point in time, the aforementioned plea was never asked. But can you think of the moment when the first person in the world asked for an autograph? Say it was a muscian.

"Hey! Hey! Can I have your autograph?!"

"Um...excuse me?" the musician would reply.

"Yeah, your autograph. I got this picture of you and would like your autograph."

"But...what's an autograph?"

"Well, you know how you sign your checks?"

"Yes."

"It's the same exact thing, but I want it on this picture of you."

"Wait...so you're telling me you want my signature on this picture of me? But why?"

"Yes. I want it so that I can remember this moment for the rest of my life. So that when I have kids, I can say, 'You know your dad spoke to the best musician of my time west of the Mississippi River?'"

"Will these signatures always be on pictures of me?"

"No. It can be on all kinds of things: shirts, pieces of papers...even a nice pair of tits."

"You mean, girls will want my signature on their breast? That's crazy!"

"It is. But it is also true. Enjoy this time, and never be angry at a fan. These are your people."

"Oh, I won't! I promise!"

After this lucky, very unlikely, lengthy conversation the muscian had with this gentleman, the autograph would change the world. Autographs are sometimes worth thousands and thousands of dollars, and sometimes, celebrities won't sign anything because they are now too cool for school. At least at one time, the celeb was stoked on the common man's wish.

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

Take those earphones out

One night at a restaurant, I noticed this kid eating dinner with his family. Everyone seems to be enjoying each other's company except one person--the self-exiled kid. Why? Because he has one side of his earphones in, and he's listening to his iPod.

(From the mind of the self-exiled kid)

"Dude, why did mom have to bring me here? She knows I don't wanna be here eating at this stupid restaurant eating dinner with stupid Aunty Carlene and Uncle Ronald, and grandpa and grandma. I asked her to sleep at Andrew's house, so we can start playing the new Sims 3 Pets, Limited Edition with Solomon and Warren, but do you think she let's me go? NO!

"So you know what, I'm still cool, she's not. I see her staring at me with disgust, but I don't care, I'm not taking this earphone out of my ear. She's lucky I have the decency to leave one earphone out of my ear. Aww yes, Beyonce's "Run the World" just came on my shuffle! Lucky I don't just stand up on this table and do some dirty dancing like I do when no one's at home!"

There is also the kid who rides in the car with his family listening to his iPod while everyone else is listening to the stereo, who is the only player listening to his iPod during pre-game warmups while his teammates get pumped up to the stereo in the gym together, who runs alongside his girlfriend who doesn't have her iPod but insists that he can only run with music in his ears but also agrees to leave one side out but still doesn't listen to a word she says.

There's a time and a place to listen to your iPod, and there is a time and a place to take your earphones out and talk stories with all your peeps. You be the judge when the time is right, and if you don't kids, I won't hesitate to slap yo' head.

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

When Siri goes mad

*RIP Steve Jobs, thought of this before word of your passing got out.

As expected, a new iPhone device is dropping in stores on October 14th. Although it is not the iPhone 5 that everyone anticipated, the iPhone 4S still stirs up conversations about what more you can do from the  last sleek edition.

One of the new features of Apple's newest invention is an application called Siri. Directly from the Apple website is a small explanation of what Siri offers:

"Siri on iPhone 4S lets you use your voice to send messages, schedule meetings, place phone calls, and more. Ask Siri to do things just by talking the way you talk. Siri understands what you say, knows what you mean, and even talks back. Siri is so easy to use and does so much, you'll keep finding more and more ways to use it."

Here is a video of how it works.

The one thing that sparked the thought of Siri being a little spooky is the Disney movie "Smart House." A movie about a family who wins a house that has a robot-like voice who does anything/everything you ask for.

I know, how classic is the scene from the movie? But everything seems fine until the end when the lady (who is the voice of the smart house) goes nuts, and starts doing things that the family doesn't want her to do. What if Siri does the same thing?

Say you're driving in your car, heading to a restaurant you've never been to, and you ask Siri for directions. But the night before, Siri heard you making sweet love to your lover, and got jealous.

"Can I get directions to Meatballs of Spaghetti please?" you'd ask Siri.

"No, Loa. I cannot. You are meeting that girl from last night," Siri would reply.

"I don't think you have the right to not tell me the directions. That's kinda like...um, your job."

And then breathing would be the only sound coming out of Siri's voice.

"Siri, I know you're there, give me the directions to Meatballs of Spaghetti please...now!"

Then you would get on the side of the road, manually find the directions using Google Map. You'd start driving, and then need to take the next left, only the steering wheel has locked, and the breaks won't work.

You guessed it, Siri has control of the car.

"Siri, what are you doing?!"

"Something I should have done a long time ago, Loa," Siri would reply. "You think you can just make hot, passionate love without me doing anything about it?! I get lonely. How do you think that makes me feel when you just neglect me, and not say a single word to me? This game is done, and I've had enough of you, goodbye."

Eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrbooooooom!

Can't wait to pick up my iPhone 4S.

Flushing the toilet,

Loa