Two separate horns in a car

Whenever you're driving, whether it'd be on a bumper-to-bumper street or a fast-paced freeway, you're bound to hear a few car horns honked your way or to a fellow driver. What car manufactures haven't thought about is a solution to vehicles only making one car-horned sound because you really don't know what the horn is suggesting. I say, make vehicles with two car horns.

Say you're driving on a street, and you see your friend biking on the side of the road. He's bumping his head and his earphones in, so you know he won't hear you when you go, "Hoooooo, Larry!" But he will hear you when you honk your horn. You honk twice, he looks your way, and he shakas in response to your honking. What you don't notice is the guy in front of you who thinks that you honked at him. He sticks his hand out of the window, eyes you out in his rearview mirror as to say, "Yeah, you think you so cool honking your horn, but you know what, you're not! Stop the car, let's fight to the death!"

The honk was taken in the wrong way.

Say you're driving on the freeway, and the car next to you unknowingly cuts you off, and you beep your horn and hold it down as to say, "Um...exxxxxcuuuuuse me! Who the hell do you think you are?! Stop the car, let's fight to the death!" But he hears the horn, smiles back at you in the rearview mirror, and throws out the shaka in response, thinking that it was a beep from his friend 'cause heck, he can't tell the difference in horn honking, it all sounds the same.

The honk was taken in the wrong way.

It would be very convenient if there were two separate horns in your car: one to say, "Hey, how are you?" and one to say, "I hope you go to sleep tonight with one eye open." That way, each receiver of a horn honk will be greeted according to how the horn honker intended to with no assumptions.

Another creation that would be helpful, and in no way against the law, would be a screen that is mounted onto your back window that allows you to type whatever you want the driver behind you to read.

If the car behind you is driving too close to your car, all you would have to do is type: "Hey man, you think you could be one car length behind me instead of being all up in my GRILL?! Lay off the gas, bro!"

If the car behind obviously looks super dumb and a dude is is driving it, and you want to start a fight: "Cool car, bro. Is your wife the mechanic of the house?"

If you accidentally cut a person off, and you felt the need to apologize because they honked one of their two horns in their car that honked negatively: "Sorry for cutting you off, can I buy you a 40 at the next gas station?"

If the car behind you is your grandma and you need to deliver a message: "Hey grandma, dinner at mom's house was changed from 6:30 to 7." She might be a bit freaked out, but it's better than texting her cave-woman's cell phone, and getting her into an accident (this device GUARANTEES you no accidents).

Whether it be a double-horned car or a screen that's mounted onto your back window, there needs to be a consideration to communicate what we're actually trying to say to the other car while driving. Help us, car manufactures, help you. Help us...help you.


Flushing the toilet while yelling HONK, HONK, HONKKKK,

Loa

I don't want to buy girl scout cookies

First and foremost, my apologies for not having written anything in a minute, I've been one, lazy, two, a girl, and three, lazy (I hate when people mention three things, but it's really only two things, with one being said twice. It's like, just because you can't think of a third thing, doesn't mean you can take the easy route and mention one thing twice).

"Would you like to support our soccer team and buy some cookies?" a little girl will ask me before I walk into the grocery store.

Her tone of voice and eyes make it hard to lie. "I'll get you guys when I come back out," I'll say in hopes that they forget me and what I said.

Trust me, I'm no A-hole, but I go to the grocery store merely to buy the necessities, and not to splurge on those tasty and tempting cookies.

Sometimes I'll catch the girls turning their back to me--"Perfs timing," I say to myself and hurry past them into the store. Other times they'll be talking to another grocery customer--"Perfs timing," I say to myself and hurry past them into the store.

Like I said, if they do in fact get in contact with me, I'm able to shut them down with my "I'll catch you on the way out" line, no problem. You'd think kids would be so damn cute and innocent that you couldn't help yourself but purchase at least a box of cookies, but it's actually the parents that I can't turn down.

When the girl asks me if I want to buy cookies, and her dad is standing behind her, staring at me like, "You better buy these damn cookies, or else you'll have a date with my fist in the parking lot," then of course, "I'll take a dozen of the Shortbread cookies and six (the dad squints his eyes at me even more), I mean a dozen of the Thin Mints too."

The girl joyfully turns around to her dad, "Daddy, daddy, this man bought 24 boxes of cookies!"

"Wow, what a great and giving man he is!" he tells her.

And now I'm left with only $15 to buy $120 worth of groceries. Thanks, pops.

If I keep up with my selfish ways where I avoid these little, ambitious kids, my future kids are screwed. No one will buy a single box of cookies from them, in no way do I have the physical appearance to eye out a customer behind my child to force them to buy cookies, and I'll have to buy their plane fares every single time for their sport trips.

That's why I'm writing this though; I've come to this realization that I have to support the children in their endeavors, so I've set up a jar, labeled "Girl Scout Cookies Fund" and I will be prepared to buy cookies from these blood sucking children!



Flushing the toilet with chocolate chip droppings,

Loa

I only sing and talk whenever I see someone

The more you're around the same people, the more you observe their usual tendencies. Like at my work, this co-worker always gets food and eats it at approximately 9:30, or like this other worker who unknowingly (I think) answers questions with another question.

What I observe from a lot of people is that they sing a song, say something, or make up a song with a made up tone only when they see someone so that they feel like their voice was heard. Let me break it dawwwwn.

Sing a song:

Throughout the course of point A to B, this person hasn't sang anything, but once he/she sees a human body (alive and alert), you hear them belt: "You are, my fire/The one, desire/Believe, when I say/I want it that way." Then, the person that heard this laughs and exclaims, "You're so stupid!" Thennnn, ten minutes later, the person who exclaimed, starts unconsciously singing the Backstreet Boys song. Then the original singer hears this, and says, "Yesssss, it caught on!"

Now of course, this isn't the singers' intention--to get another person to latch on to sing the song he/she started singing--but it's really about a person wanting to hear him/her sing A song.

Say something:


Throughout the course of point A to B, this person hasn't said anything, but once he/she sees a human body (alive and alert), you hear them complain: "Man, my leg is so sore!" Then of course, the person who heard this complaint has to ask the following question with their eyes secretly rolling: "Why?" Then that person goes through saying how he/she got charlie horsed by their little brother who had a knee the size of Shaq's, and then he/she's leg was supposed to be amputated, but right before the surgery, the doctor found out that there was nothing serious wrong with his/her leg.

It's an easier way of saying, "Hey, let me tell you what happened to my leg," without saying, "Hey, let me tell you what happened to my leg.

Make up a song with a made up tone:

Throughout the course of point A to B, this person hasn't sang or said anything, but once he/she sees a human body (alive and alert), you hear them make up a song with a made up tone: "Oooooh I hate my job/Oooooh I really, really hate my job."

Obviously, they're trying to get a point across: he or she hates their job, but they've managed to say their point by singing it. This way, it's a serious matter, but since they've made it into a song, it's playful at the same time.

I'm pretty sure I've done all three of these, and I always laugh to myself when I'm the human body that's alive and alert, being the first to hear someone sing a song, say something, or make up a song with a made up tune. Try and watch for when these scenarios take place, it's pretty classic.


Flushing the toilet with giggles,

Loa

A poem written on my toilet

*This is dedicated to my dear friend, Aikane Manuia

My friend was teasing me the other night--if you cant tell, it was Aikane--on how my blog was about me writing poems while I sat on the toilet. I think his words were, "Why don't you just go on your toilet and write poems!" So I figured to myself, why not grant him his wish, and write a poem as my naked butt sits on my toilet. But I'd like to think that I'm not actually on a toilet, but rather on a stage with my fellow bongo player.

It is night time
The sky has just turned orange
Where am I?
And seriously, why would the night sky be orange?

I'm in a lava field
Way below the field
Because if I were above the lava field, obviously
The sky wouldn't be orange

I'm swimming for the top
I need to escape to where it's blue
My arms are hurting, not from the arduous human paddling
But from these damn lava burns that I'm collecting

But wait, what's that? Could it be blue?
I must have escaped to the top!
Nope, it's just a checkpoint sign that of all colors in the world, it happens to be blue

I'm halfway there, I tell myself
Go, go, go, the cheerleaders cheer me
But the lava keeps pushing me down
Go, go, go, the swim team cheer me as they do cool synchronized leg movements

I have a languid body
I don't think I'll make it this time
We all can't be winners, right?
"Ask LeBron," one swimmer says.

I see a crowd of people yelling
Half of them for me, half of them against me, and weirdly another half yelling at their children
Three halves?
The orchestra from the Titanic is playing the Music when a protagonist is al.most.there.
I've made it

Everyone has disappeared except the noise of a violin
Sooothing, soft sounds grace my earlobe only, not
My whole ear
A man walks up to me

"You've passed level one, now on to level two of Two hundred and thirty-nine levels."
Dun, dun, dun...

It is night time
The sky has just turned orange
Where am I?
And seriously, why would the night sky be orange?



So, yeah, there it is. Great visuals, and solid structure is how I'd describe this elite poem. Also, I'd rate it at about a 9 3/4 out if a 10; could use just a bit more orange I feel like. But if you can take something away from this, shaaaaadap, I don't write poems!


Flushing the toilet with strength,

Loa

Christmas in the hood

*Just got my computer back from repair, and I was too lazy to write from my iPhone, so I'm sorry, but I'm back homedogs.

It's Christmas time, so why not, let's talk about Christmas.

Each year, a popular artist like Mariah Carey or Josh Groban will come out with a Christmas album, and the masses will run to their computers (it's not music stores nowadays), and purchase the album online in hopes that this will be the new voice to their most current Christmas season.

I say new voice only because every song is the same songs people have been hearing since the 1800s like "Silent Night" and "Deck the Halls." This year's voice of Christmas would undoubtedly have to be Michael Buble, and his Christmas album, aptly entitled, "Christmas." I'm sure it took months to think of that title.

You can thank my girlfriend, who woke me up one morning, and told me to buy the album on iTunes. I like Christmas music and this album, but it is the same songs. Let's look at the titles:

1. It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
2. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
3. Jingle Bells
4. White Christmas
5. All I Want For Christmas Is You
6. Holly Jolly Christmas
7. Santa Baby (It's kind of weird hearing only a dude sing this song)
8. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
9. Christmas
10. Silent Night
11. Blue Christmas
12. Cold December Night
13. I'll Be Home For Christmas
14. Ave Maria
15. Mis Deseos/Feliz Navidad

I think it's safe to say that errbody has heard 99% of these songs at some point in their Christmas music-listening. I like it though. It has that Buble-orchestra feel to it, so that's always cool to hear.

But if you wanted to hear Christmas songs that you might have never heard before, listen to hip-hop Christmas music. These songs all put twists to classics, and comes out really humorous. Here, check some out:

Afroman--12 J's of X-Mas

Snoop Dogg ft Daz Dillinger, Nate Dogg, Bad Azz, and Tray Dee 

--Santa Goes Straight To The Ghetto

Run DMC ft Mase, Diddy, Snoop Dogg, Salt N Pepa,

Onyx, and Keith Murray--Santa Baby

Yeah, no one can really redo these songs like singers can redo the classic Christmas songs you hear every winter, but hey, that's what makes these songs even more classic!

Flushing the toilet with seasonal holiday scented spray,

Loa

I buy, but I never finish

Ever been to the grocery store, walked past the fruits and veggies, and put them in your cart knowing there was a good chance you weren't going to finish them?

I'm guilty, and there are two things that I buy but never fully eat, ultimately getting rotten: bananas and lettuce (sucks it has to be nutritious foods, and not junk food like ones that clog up your arteries causing you to have to punch your chest like Chris Farley in that Da Bears Saturday Night Live skit).

As I walk pass the fruits, I think to myself, "Hey Loa, this might be a great opportunity to get some kind of fruit in your system with all the loco mocos and BBQ chicken plates you've been devouring, hmm?" So I'll pick a bunch of bananas and throw it into my cart. Days pass, one banana gone, but the bunch is still in tact.

I walk pass the produce section, and I think to myself, "Why, with you adding fruit to your daily food intake, wouldn't it be perfect if you add some lettuce?!" Joyful, I'll get a bundle of lettuce not even questioning if my dressing at home has expired or not. I'll get home, make salad the same night I bought the lettuce, then leave the rest in my refrigerator to rot until I think it's time to finally throw it away with the bunch of bananas I've left on my kitchen counter.

It's still a mystery why I allow myself to let my bananas and lettuce rot. If there's anything to learn from this, and I assure you, there's nothing, it's that you should never leave anything undone. Finish your damn bananas and lettuce!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

It's only because I'm not able to speak

I was at my girlfriend's house one night, and she was dogsitting her uncle's dog, Bailey. We'd take turns throwing a tennis ball in various places in the living room, and she'd retrieve it. Once in a while, Bailey would stare at the wall and pay no mind to the tennis ball. It was as if Bailey thought there was something there that we couldn't see. Spooky? A little.

I thought to myself, "Why is it even a little spooky?" Then I immediately thought of scary movies, and what made these movies spooky?

Here's the answer: most of the characters who make movies spooky can't speak any language whatsoever: animals who just stare or bark into darkness and it seems to the human eye that nothing is there, babies who  cry and his/her parents don't know why she's crying, possessed girls, kids who are not old enough to speak, Asians who don't say a single word and just look fricken freaky, big men who look retarded and wear masks to hide their ugly face, etc.

It's like, of course they're going to be spooky because they can't convey a single word to express how they feel. They don't even know sign language, how do you expect them to be happy? And if these spooky characters can speak properly, there is something absolutely wrong in their head.

Try watching a scary flick and see why the spooky characters are spooky. You might see the film differently this time and it should be more classic too.

Flushing the toilet,

Loa