Keiki Inside...So What?

On many occasions, as I'm driving, I'll see that the vehicle in front of me sporting the "Keiki Inside" sticker. For those of you who don't know what that sticker means, obviously, you're a foolio, but it means that the driver has a child inside their car, and if you could be on alert, and drive carefully for that mere fact.

I know people think this, but I don't recall seeing the sticker and thinking to myself, "Hey, it's a "Keiki Inside" sticker; I should start driving more carefully than I usually do." Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because, uh, I drive carefully all the time, derrrrr! Even though that thought may not come into my head as I see that sticker, two thoughts do come to mind:

Should I be driving more recklessly if you didn't have that sticker? Say I do get in an accident of a minor extent, and we need to fill out a police report because let's say, it was your fault. Does it now become my fault because you have that sticker?

The "Keiki Inside" sticker is basically a cheaper and less-illegal way of having a police siren attached to your car. When other drivers see that sticker, they act as if a police car is behind them, driving with all caution necessary to not get pulled over.

So even though I don't possess a keiki, I've been thinking about getting the "Keiki Inside" sticker and sticking that bad boy on my car. Then no dummie drivers would mess with me. "Yeah, I roll around with no keiki, but you don't know that, and I've got the sticker, so don't you be cutting me off!"

But if everyone were to put that sticker on their car today, it'd be pretty funny tomorrow. Like, "Dude, how many kids were born like, yesterday?"

So you guys better drive carefully all the time, and if you see that sticker, drive MORE carefully!

Another YouTube Video? Frrrrrrrrick...

"Eh, you ever seen that YouTube video where that kid is in the car with his dad and he's all high after being at the dentist?"

"No."

"What?!?! Here, let me show you!"

OK, we all know that video is "David After Dentist," and obviously, that's a really funny video. But how often does this happen when your friend asks you if you've ever seen a certain video on Youtube, and you answer that you haven't, and he/she absolutely just NEEDS to show you that video? Then, you have to both gather around the computer screen and watch the video. Granted, the video may be funny, but it also may be a waste of time, so I always approach the situation hesitantly. And in my head, I'm like, "Frrrrrick, another video?" but outside, I'm smiling, like, "Hahaha, no, I've never seen that video before."

You may really not want to watch another video that they're suggesting to watch, but the whole idea is to not be a dickhead to your friends because they've took the time to ask you about a video that they think is worth watching. They liked it, you might too. And then if you don't in fact like the video, you have lie via facial reactions. "That's pretty classic..." Even a "Haha" will do.

I'm aware that if any of my friends read this, they will probably never ask me if I've seen a certain video and if I haven't, show me. But oddly enough, I'm usually that guy who's suggesting a video to watch...I wonder if my friends do what I do to me???


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

No Need For a Sign, Just a Parrot

Currently, I'm working in Waikiki, and what I've noticed is one dude who sits near the Outrigger Hotel with a sign asking kindly if anyone can spare him some change because he's "hungry." For my dear life, I can't remember a time when I seen anyone give their hard earned cash to him.

But what I do see in my curious observations are these dudes on Kalakaua Avenue with parrots that are making some good mula. Let me just say that I'm not entirely sure if they're homeless, but word on the street is that they are. And from the looks and actions of them, they seem like they definitely could be in the homeless range. How they have parrots, beats me.

Tourists on vacation won't even stop by a dude holding a sign who's begging for a few dollars, but regardless of how you look, if you have a parrot or two on your shoulder, you better believe tourists will stop by, and give you money for taking a picture with your parrots.

After work one day, I had a few beers and went outside onto Kalakaua Ave. I seen two of these parrot holders outside; one a haole guy, and one an older, local guy. I was like, "What's up guys, can I get a picture?" The older, local guy was like, "No, no, no. Are you F.B.I. or C.I.A.?" I started laughing to myself. F.B.I. or C.I.A.? That was a first. "No, I just wanna get a picture of you guys and the parrots, they're beautiful parrots," I replied, recomposed in my buzzing state. The local guy said to take a picture of his haole friend and the haole guy was more than happy to take a picture of himself with his parrot.

As we were about to take a picture, a haole tourist who was carrying a longboard over his head, walked in between us. The parrot guy just went berserk! He yells at the guy, "What the f*ck do you think you're doing? I'm trying to take a picture!" But the haole tourist just kept on walking, minding his own business. He then tells me, "Hold my parrot," and puts the parrot on my shoulder and walks away towards the tourist saying, "I'm gonna knock his ass out!" He took about ten steps, walked back towards me, took the parrot, and took this picture.

I dug out after that, and literally said to myself, "Did that just happen?"

It's crazy though how these tourists will let their little children take pictures with these parrots that they don't know if they're healthy or if they're clean, or if their owners are...um, all there. And then they pay them some cash.

 I'd say, if you're a homeless dude, find out how to get yourself a parrot and make that paper!


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

I Was in Black Swan, Now What? Oh, I Know.

Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were both in the dark movie "Black Swan," and both are now in the same romantic comedy movie. Actually, it's not the same movie, but the main plot seems oddly the same. "No Strings Attached" and "Friends With Benefits" have the girl and boy who just want to have sex without forming feelings for one another. For the peeps that dug Natalie more in "Black Swan," you can have "No Strings Attached." For all you who dug Mila more, you can have "Friends With Benefits."

You be the judge.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

College in Your PJs

If you're not in your pajamas, are you expelled? And what if you don't take your class in the morning but at lunch time? Should you change into your pajamas? Are boxers considered pajamas? Does anyone use the term pajamas anymore?

Every time I see this commercial, I keep thinking that a bunch of dudes sitting at home will want to join this college merely because they think, "Hey, it can't be true? Killing two birds with one stone? I can get an education AND meet hot chicks?"

Newsflash, you can't.

I know, she lost you at...well, no words, just at the pajama site, but there's no real college where everyone just sits in their pajamas and gets an education; this commercial is only connecting you to online colleges that already exist. The whole pajama spiel is only a suggestion.

But that'd be weird if a college did exist where students, in their pajamas of course, got online together at the same exact time, had a professor, in her pajamas of course, and you were all connected via Skype, and if the professor--let's call her (yes, a her) Professor Alba--saw you with more than your pajamas she'd say, "Excuse me? Um...take off those more-than-necessary-pieces-of-clothing immediately!" Regardless of the time, you had better be in your pajamas: If you were sticky from a hard day of working construction and you were so dirty that the dirt from the construction site had given you a New Jersey spray tan on your face, you had better strip, and get your pajamas on. If your baby had just spewed not into his cup, but onto your stomach because you were wearing no shirt and you had to login in five seconds and there was no time for cleaning it up, you had better get your pajamas on. You wouldn't want Professor Alba to be mad, would you?

But I always thought it was cooler to see real people at a physical campus as oppose to emailing "professors" and reading student's papers via online. But if the schedule doesn't allow you to attend classes or you prefer not to attend classes at a physical campus, classes online is definitely a nice option for you. And you DON'T have to wear your pajamas if you don't want to. The important thing is to get an edumacation!


Flushing the toilet,


Loa

Guys With Good Bodies Don't Wear Shirts When They Run

Do you gel your hair before you go for a run?

I was locking up my bike on Kalakaua St. right outside of Duke's Waikiki when I looked up and seen this guy about to begin his run. I could tell because he wasn't sweating, and wasn't huffing and puffing. What struck me about this guy was that he had gel in his hair, and I must say it was quite a cool hairdo. Regardless of his cool hairdo, I thought to myself about this idea of gelling your hair before you go for a run, and specifically this guy that I saw.

Let's think about his location: he's in Waikiki--there are a lot of good looking females in Waikiki so he does in fact have a reason to gel his hair. A woman could wave him down in the course of her running because of his gelled hair and be like, "I don't stop in the middle of my run too often...well, I've never done this before, but you just have amazing hair, and I'm pretty turned on that you'd take the time to gel your hair before you went running. Wanna grab some drinks later? Here's my number."

Let's think about what he was wearing: he was wearing black mesh shorts and a white mesh shirt--both Nike-looking pieces--good choice, right? But guys with good bodies don't wear shirts when they run, so to compensate for his lack of a good physique, he gelled his hair. He wasn't fat, I'm just sure that he wasn't rocking a six pack. But a gelled hairdo can sometimes throw off a woman's interests and trick her into thinking that you do take care of your body if you don't.

Let's think about the time: I seen him at approximately 7:20 AM this morning. Obviously, it wasn't 4 AM in the morning, so there wasn't a marathon--I didn't see others running in huge packs or anything that would indicate that he was running in a marathon. He and I both knew that there was not going to be any photo ops. He looked like a tourist so I know he didn't work a graveyard valet shift. That means he woke up with a purpose: to look sharp while running just in case anything awesome would happen. He took one step out of the bathroom without gelling his hair, took a step back into the bathroom, stared himself in the mirror, and made magic with his gel product and fingers.

Let's think about his possible downfall: gel and sweat--not a great combination. I hope he saw that woman within a five minute span of me seeing him (unless he's a quick sweater) because if he was running and the gel mixed with his perspiration and then slipped away from his attempt to wipe it off his forehead and made its way to his eyes, and then the woman saw him, he'd be the closest thing to the Miami Heat crying in the locker room after their loss to the Chicago Bulls (my beloved team) last Sunday, and he'd be screwed.

If you are a person who gels their hair before they run, that's cool, keep doing it, there are some positives that come with a gelled hairdo while running. Just keep in mind that if I see you, I might chuckle simply because I've put too much damn thought into this, and if you're a true, natural sweater, wear a headband just in case you miss that drip of gelled sweat.

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

What Would You Rather Have?

In the world of prosthetics, one will replace a human body part with an artificial device...not because they want to, but because they've lost it in an accident of some sort. 

I've been seeing a tourist around my workplace with a prosthetic leg for a few days now, and my co-worker saw him too. He then posed this question, "What would you rather have: A prosthetic arm, or a prosthetic leg?" We laughed, which I feel like an asshole for, although I know my co-worker didn't feel like an asshole (what a real asshole), but what a question, right? 


OK, if I chose a prosthetic arm, of course, I'd have a prosthetic hand. If I were to go on a date with a hottie, and we were having an intimate dinner under the moonlit stars and yeah, there was no vog involved, I would want to do that slick move where the guy softly brushes the back of his hand against the side of her face, eventually ending with a soft kiss on her lips. I would act on this move, and she'd be loving it, but by the time I would go for the kill, I would be able to read her mind, and she would be saying, "This is so romantic...but his hand feels reallllly weird against my face." Dude, what a prick!


 So prosthetic hand, durable? Yes. Romantic? Not so really.

If I were to choose a prosthetic leg, I'd be so glad I could walk. If I wore pants, no one would know the difference if I had a human leg, or a prosthetic one..unless of course they were scrubs and studied the way I walk. There's gotta be a minor limp, guaranteed. 



If I were to go on a date, and the dinner went exceptionally well, she would say, "Let's take this back to my place." Then things would be getting pretty intimate, and in a soft voice, she would say, "Hey, my back's aching, can you massage it please?" I would reply,"Of course." I begin to massage her while she lays on her front, and she seems like she's loving it when she says in her oh so soft, soft voice, "Your hands aren't cutting it--use your feet?" In my head, I'm like, "Frick, she doesn't even know about my prosthetic leg! I thought we were just gonna make out!!" But she won't budge, she wants the feet. I sigh to myself, "Here goes nothing." I gently put my feet on her back and she's digging it,"Oh my, what have you lubed your feet with? It's such a feeling I've never experienced before." I'm thinking, "Awwww yeeeeeuh, son!" Suddenly she's over the massage, turns over and sees your prosthetic leg, and freaks out!........awkward silence.........then we'd be outside on the porch, smoking a cigarette, without anything good happening before that. Dude, what a prick! 


So prosthetic leg, durable? Yes. Romantic? Not so really.


Yeah yeah yeah, I've based my decison on how my prosthetic would put up if I was ever in a romantic situation. So what do I choose? I shall go with...the leg! I rather feel with my hand than my leg I suppose. Awkward or not, my girl gon love her some foot massages!


Actually, what I really wanted to get across was that we should all feel blessed and privileged to have our limbs in tact. Anddddd if you don't, I'm sorry if I offended you, and I hope your romantic situations are nothing less of a truly spectacular time.