10 Qualities of a Tough Man

These are some of the qualities of a tough man, but only because he's around other people or his girlfriend:

1) He tells another man in a bar, "Were you just looking at my girl?" and then fights him.

2) He walks into haunted houses during Halloween and says, "Pssh, that wasn't even scary."

3) He goes out at night without an ID because he says that he knows all the bouncers.

4) He drinks a lot of beer and tells his girlfriend, "Babe, I'm not even buzzing yet."

5) He skateboards down steep hills for a few seconds then tells everyone, "Yeah, that hill? I bombed the entire thing."

6) He tells his girl that he watched that one scary movie by himself at nighttime with all the lights off.

7) He tells everyone that he doesn't have  a favorite alcoholic drink because he'll drink anything.

8) He tells everyone, "Nah, Facebook is for kids."

9) He kills a cockroach when a girl screams, "OMG, a cockroach! Get it! Get it!"

10) He stays in the ocean way past sunset because he claims the shark is his 'aumakua.

Flushing the toilet with huge mahscles,

Loa

A conversation with the creator of lyrics on YouTube

Remember there was a time when you were listening to a song, and you wanted to sing-along with it, but you were too lazy to look for the lyrics online? Then, by the grace of God, someone came up with the brightest idea to post a YouTube video with not only the song, but with the lyrics too?!

Not to brag, but I know the inventor! He wants to keep his name anonymous, so I'll just call him Marcus McDoodlemeister, but I did however sit down with him today to talk inspiration, fish and karaoke in this exclusive and rare interview.

Loa: Hey what's up, man? How you been?

Marcus: Hey, not much. I'm good, man. Currently working on some new songs as we speak.

Loa: What songs are you doing and what genre do you usually do?

Marcus: Working on this vintage Busta Rhymes freestyle. It's taking me a while because it's ten minutes long, but I'm almost half way done. Also doing a John Mayer tune too. The song's not out yet, but I have connections. I pretty much do any genre. One day I'll do Chris Brown, and the next I'll be doing Reba McEntire--all depends on my mood and what people suggest.

Loa: Nice. So the obvious question, how did you think of putting a song with lyrics on a YouTube video?

Marcus: Well, it all started when I aspired to be a YouTube sensation. I tried being in front of the camera and posted a bunch of vids. After numerous dislikes and nasty comments, I came to the conclusion that I didn't have the pizzaz nor the physical bone structure to be a successful hit. One night while watching music videos on YouTube, I was singing along with the lyrics from another website, and I was like, "Dude, this sucks! I wanna see the lyrics on one page!" So after some thought and many dark nights, I came up with the idea to not only post the song on YouTube, but add and match the lyrics as the song went on--sort of like karaoke.

Loa: Are you a big karaoke fan?

Marcus: I've been known to sing a few tunes up on the stage (giggles with his right hand covering mouth). But really, I love to sing. Of course, I don't possess the voice of a Kelly Clarkson, but I'm not afraid to show my singing side. I think in a way, I'm kind of stepping on karaoke's feet by posting these videos, but the music business didn't like Sean Parker when he created Napster, so be it.

Loa: Do you feel like you're the new Sean Parker?

Marcus: C'mon man! You know I'd never compare myself to Mr. Parker...But if I had to, then yes, I would say I am the new Sean Parker.

Loa: Ok, so you have to tell me if this is true. I heard that one time at a restaurant you ordered fish and they ran out, you got so mad that you told one of the creators of YouTube, Steve Chen, to ban your server from YouTube. Is that true?

Marcus: Unfortunately, that is true. I was on a date with a hot-smoking red-head and I just really wanted to wine and dine her. I was being really smooth, ordering the most expensive wine, saying that her dress really complimented her hair--you know, things like that. And when I got to the fish situation, I just lost it. I don't know--I just really love fish. I was so frustrated that I hit up Steve and was like, "Bro, Larry Finnegan, prohibit him from ever using YouTube." I didn't even have to explain myself, Steve immediately barred him from using YouTube.

Loa: Til this day is he still not allowed on YouTube?

Marcus: Oh yeah, of course. I feel bad, but I don't take those kind of things lightly. There are three things people need to realize that I really love: YouTube and fish.

Loa: The third?

Marcus: Huh?

Loa: The third thing that you love?

Marcus: ...clean socks.

Loa: Ok. Any inspirations?

Marcus: Yeah of course. More recently, Barak Obama, Michelle Obama, Sasha Obama and Malia Obama.

Loa: So basically, not only Barak, but his wife and their two children?

Marcus: Yeah. they're just a great family. I heard they can all sing too--voices of not angels, probably. You're not going to believe me, but I have a poster of them on my wall at my mom's house. She's a Republican though, and had a really bad vacation in Hawaii. So when she comes into my room, I created this device where a poster of Bill Clinton and his family when he was in office covers the Obama family. Sometimes it's a pretty close call.

Loa: Trust me, I believe you. You really are a weird cat, but it's cool though. Any last thoughts?

Marcus: Jessica Simpson once said, "Is it weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?" And that's how I kind of look at life. It may be weird to others, but if weird to others is normal to me, I'm totally fine with being weird. Shout out to my mom, YouTube, and lyrics!


Flushing the toilet singing-a-long to the YouTube jams,

Loa

ABDC and American Idol judge Merrie Monarch

While watching the Merrie Monarch on Friday night, I told my roommate how classic, but inappropriate it would be if the judges for America's Best Dance Crew (ABDC) and American Idol were judging the legendary competition. And who would be the host? None other than Mr. Mario Lopez--beat it, Seacrest! Heck, let's jump right into it and see how the first performance and judging would unfold.

Mario: Alohe (yes, alohe) everyone, welcome to the 2012 Merrie Monarch Festival! Let's introduce this year's prestigious judges. First, we have B-Boy extraordinaire, Dominic "D'Trix" Sandoval. Next we have Mr. Aerosmith, Steven Tyler. The next judge is from a boy band, JC Chasez. Next to him we have the feisty mamacita, Lil' Mama. Sitting next to her is the only black guy to ever play in the band Journey, Randy Jackson. And last but not least, straight from the block, it's Jennifer Lopez! No relation of course (laughs, but the audience doesn't). Give a hand for our judges!

Cont: Our first performers will be group Ke...(looks down at his piece of paper) Ke...'ala...oka...okamaily.

The broadcast catches the disgusted audience shaking their head.

The first halau elegantly performs an unforgettable hula.

                           

Mario: Let's go to our judges for their thoughts.

JC Chasez: You know, I like this group. We're talking about a group that came all the way over from Maui, on a journey to fulfill a dream, and they're here, doing just that. I wanna go into a slow-mo. Look at the motion of their hands--precision at its finest. Congratulations guys, you did an awesome job!

Randy Jackson: Ey yo, dawg! So check this out. Dude, you guys were rockin' it! Am I right (looks at the audience)? First performance of the night, and let me tell you something--every group watch out because they were hot, baby!

Steven Tyler: (Just in awe) My God, guys. You just blew me away. From the first time I saw you guys, I knew that within my soul, that the music combined with your movements would change my life forever. I thank you for that, I thank you.

D'Trix: Hey ladies! You guys are lookin' fine tonight, uuu you lookin' fine! First off, let me say that your dresses are looking excellent--it could be a bit shorter, but hey, they're looking good! I wanna say that your kaloho (as he meant kaholo) could use some work, but I'm liking what I'm seeing!

Jennifer Lopez: (Tearing up) I...I can't even speak right now. Like, I know I'm speaking, but I'm so at a lost of words. Well, I know I'm speaking words, but you know what I mean. Your movements, your power, your love...everything--it was just so beautiful. I loved your performance and I love you, and I want you to love me back, and...(gets cut off by Lil' Mama).

Lil' Mama: Oh my gawd, oh my gawd. Let me just tell y'all this: (moment of silence) Y'ALL JUST KILT IT! Y'all ain't scared. Y'all are fearless. Y'all believed in y'all selves, and now, y'all just made me a believer. I wanna go into a slow-mo. When y'all did that ami and uwihi? Uwahi? Uwaha? Uwehe? I'm not too good with these Hawaiian words, but when y'all did that move, I was like, 'Yeeah, dey doin' they thang!' I really just want y'all to know that whatever happens in this competition, know that y'all kilt it, and I'm proud of y'all!

Ok, so now you know why the Merrie Monarch judges are BAWSE. They are qualified to judge the art of hula and there is no argument why they shouldn't be a judge. I mean, when have you seen Lil' Mama ever dance? J-Lo is a better dancer than a singer (note: In Living Color). Steven Tyler is just....weird and crazy. Unlike dancing television shows where ultimately America decides, the Merrie Monarch judging actually affects the outcome of the competition and their entire life revolves around the culture.


Flushing the toilet while continuously yelling, "Y'ALL JUST KILT IT!" (of course I'm speaking directly to my dutes on how the bathroom smell has now been kilt),


Loa

I'm Magic, I must know baseball

By now, you probably have heard that Magic Johnson is a part of the team that bought the Los Angeles Dodgers. If you haven't, I just told you. Magic, known to be the most famous athlete/celebrity to ever grace the L.A. area, knows everything about basketball.

Magic doesn't know baseball. There are others in the organization taking care of the day-to-day operations, so Magic is more the "face" of the Dodgers. He said that his role would also include recruiting free agents (players whose contracts are finished and they are no longer obligated to that team). Could you imagine a conversation Magic, a basketball mind, would have with a baseball free agent though?

Magic: How ya doin' man, how ya doin'?

Free Agent: I'm good Magic, how are you?

M: I'm good, thank you. So what I wanted to talk about is coming to play for the Lakers.

F: You mean the Dodgers, right?

M: Yes, the Dodgers, that's what I meant. I remember when I was playing in the 1980's NBA Championship game (gazes off into outfield)--it was a beautiful thing. We had so many good things go right, we had so many of the right pieces. I think you would be the perfect piece for the Dodgers to take it to the next level.

F: You really think so?

M: Yes! I've seen you pitch, and you've got the stuff.

F: But I'm a first baseman, Magic...

M: No, no, no. Not pitch as in a pitcher (looks for an answer)...pitch as in pitch a team to strive to do better. To be a leader. You've got the stuff, son."

F: (Hesitant) Thanks...

M: I just believe that once you hit that court for this team with the direction of our head coach, you have the skills to compete for the MLB Championship.

F: Alright, Magic, first, I don't even play on a court. Second, we baseball players play under a manager. Third, it's the World Series! The MLB World Series!

Yeah, I'm sure the conversation would never be like this, but IF IT DID...


Flushing the toilet not with my hand but with magic,


Loa

You were born on leap year?

In light of this year's leap year, which is tomorrow, I figured I'd talk about the summer's warmth and how when the sun hits your skin, it blossoms into the feeling only a peacock could experience. DJ, PLAY THAT BACK!

In light of this year's leap year, I figured I'd talk about...this year's leap year. Everyone jokes around about people who were born on the 29th of February in any year like, "Ohhh, hahaha you're only four years old today!" when obviously, you dummy, he/she is 16. Not a funny joke, not a cool friend, heard it all before--although I know not of anyone who was born on the 29th so that last statement is untrue.

What if though, in some opposite-Robin-William's-Jack-kind-of-way, your body only adapted to the official day you were born. So somehow, the universe knew you were born on the 29th of February and would only grow in a year increment every four years? Woooooah (Insert: Keanu Reeve's voice and eerie music).

Btw, leap year is when there's an extra day in the year to keep the calendar year synchronized with the astronomical or seasonal calendar. Basically, February every four years has 29 days instead of 28. Thought I'd throw that out since two people I asked what leap year is had no idea. And if you want to get scientific about leap year, shaaadapp.

Flushing the toilet on February 29th once every four years (or twice if my stomach is all hamajang),

Loa

Food Paparazzi

I sit here on a plate and I am pissed. This girl who has just ordered me is once again taking out her camera phone to snap a photo of me. I say once again because before I was cooked, I watched my cousin get broiled, put on a plate and brought to the same girl. She whipped out her camera, laughing with her friends trying to get the perfect shot to document her choice of food and make everyone jealous by posting it to her social media sites. Poor, Cousin Pork Choppy IV. I'm about to be another victim.

I wish we could go back in time. Generations and generations ago, there were no camera phones and we were just simply ate. No one posted us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. We were only there to satisfy a hunger or taste--now we're labeled as "food porn." Um, I know what food and porn is, so like, ewww! How can I now be in a category under the word porn? I feel like I'm being wrongly exposed to strangers around the world.

We food are like those human celebrities trying to relax underneath the sun and everyone's taking pictures of us. No one needs to know how good we look. Why can't you just keep it to yourself? These fools with camera phones are abusing us. They don't pair us up with good wine or a tasty beer to make us happy as we are consumed--they take a picture and eat us like we're nobody. Well you know what, I'm someone! I said, I AM SOMEO...

Dammit, I'm in the belly of the beast.


Flushing the toilet from inside a stomach,


A Dead New York Steak

We want Jeremy Lin to retire, love Harvard

Dear Jeremy Lin,


We are the Harvard Student Council, and we'd like to personally congratulate you on your sudden success in the National Basketball Association (NBA). You have reached new heights in an area where we Harvard students do not usually prosper.

On that note, we'd also like to say that you are a traitor. You are now getting high praises for what we Harvard students do not strive for. We are academics, and academics only. At first, we were worried like, "Oh my, Jeremy entered the NBA draft!" But then you didn't get drafted so we were happy. Then you got picked up by the Golden State Warriors and we were worried again. But then you were released, picked up by the Houston Rockets, released, in the D-League, then picked up by the New York Knicks. All was still well because we knew you weren't going to get any play time.

Then we all know what happened: Linsanity. Ha! What a imbecilic and mindless nickname! You think you're so cool hanging out with that Carmelo guy who has those tattoos and that Amare guy who wears those glasses. Pssh...well you know what, you're not as cool as you think. They're not your people Jeremy, we're your people!

Excuse us for our informal speech, but we are just so fed up with you, Jeremy! We hold a high regard that no Harvard graduate should ever have as much success that you've managed to receive as an athlete. What would the man we named our school after, John Harvard, think if he knew that a graduate of this school was actually thriving in a sport rather than being a politician, businessman or an orchestra professional? He'd be rolling in his grave!

Remember you used to play the violin, and we'd all call you Jeremy Vio...lin? We would even use that pause when saying violin because you said it was humorous and it tickled your funny bone. Where did that Jeremy go? Who is this new Jeremy? Do you remember Henry Montgomery II? He bought 300 basketballs and inflated each and every one of them to give himself some hope that maybe this all was a dream.

We students at Harvard have initiated the "Don't Play Another Minute in the NBA, Play the Vio...lin" petition and believe me, the signatures are multiplying everyday. We'd strongly advise you to consider this letter as a caveat, and retire from the NBA to start working on getting a job in the economics sector since you did get your degree in Economics, right?

Again, you have not done the university a favor by playing this sweaty, stinky game called basketball at the professional level. Please do what we have asked and there will be no further actions on our part.



Flushing the toilet with sincereness (but not really),


The Harvard Student Council