Shazam Doesn't Love Jawaiian Music

Have you ever been driving in your car listening to 98.5 and you're like, "Ho, who's dis Jawaiian band? I neva hear deez guys before! I should Shazam deez frickas!"? So you unwisely grab your phone--c'mon guys, it's against the law!--and press your nice blue Shazam button. What comes next reads every time on your screen:

"“We couldn't find a match”

Make sure you hold your device close to the audio source.

You can tag as often as you like: there is no limit."

Man, Shazam doesn't love Jawaiian Music.

For all you who have been living under a pretty decent size rock, Shazam is an app that will identify American music or TV shows by holding the phone near the speaker.

The following are actual quotes from people in Jawaiian bands who are fed up with Shazam and created a protest directly to the app's headquarters:

"Bra, you know me, I'm just one struggling local bradah trying fo meet ends meet, and you know what, when one-nada bradah tries fo find my band tru yo’ stupid app and no work, make me reeeeeal irate!"—Keoki Joeseph Naho’oikaika Haleamau-Mercado III. *

"What, get 49 states in the US? Get 50 right?! Da 50it one is Hawaii right?! But cannot recognize my songs dat was made in the US? Das like not recognizing me for one solid Hawaiian bradah!"—Alika Kawika "Junya Boy" Smith Jr. *

"Coming from the Mid West, I joined a Jawaiian band to experience what the locals here play. I am just in utter outrage that your app will not support the local music scene here...it's just appalling. And here I am, thinking I was going to later apply for a job here. Pssh...you can count me out!”—Michael Hunt *

"You tink you can just fo’get about us ah?! You tink you can give us da chance fo download yo app, tink we can find all kine any kine Jawaiian music, get our hopes up, den just like dat, say cannot find da song?!—Mahina Ho'oponopono Rosemary Carvalho.

"Fak you!"—Lawrence Hayato Maruyami *

"Shazam? Dis app mo shitty den da movie Kazam!"—Kanani Hiwalani White-Wong *

*not an actual quote from people in Jawaiian bands who are fed up with Shazam

When will Shazam realize that Jawaiian music needs to be recognized on their app? Maybe when it happens the world might look different. Maybe the color green will be blue, or blue will be yellow. Maybe when I walk down Waikiki with my shirt off the girls will no longer cheehoo me. Or just maybe we will get our first president who is a woman. *

*I don't hope for any of that

Flushing the toilet with some sweet Jawaiian vibes,

Loa

How EDM changed the local bradah

Hey, man, remember back in the day when you were a local bradah? Your truck was lifted, you wore rubba slippas, surf shawts, and a Flexfit hat backwards, and the only thing you listened to was Jawaiian music. It may be hard to remember, but this was once your lifestyle. Things have obviously changed since then. You've traded in your truck for a sporty, slick car, you no longer wear rubba slippas or hats but the most up-to-date styled shoes and you only gel your hair, and finally the only thing blasting from your stereo is EDM (Electric Dance Music) or as we local bradahs call it, "uunce uunce" music.

The said local bradah used to be a solid bradah and boy was his mada and fada proud. He jammed the ukulele, he wala'au'd with the aunties and uncles, drank Heinekens, and spoke the native tongue of a local bradah: pidgin. Sure, he listened to Eiffel 65's "Blue" song for shits and giggles, but it was never a part of his music forefront. Then a few years later, a friend introduced Avicii's "Levels" and HO NAH, he was hooked.

His time spent on Youtube was instantaneously transformed from watching Rebel Souljahz live at graduation parties to large music festivals filled with an ocean of people fist-pumping to DJs spinning on the ones and twos. No longer did he frequent Mai Tai's to hang with da boys and drink straight out of the beer pitcher. Instead, he scoured the back alleys of Honolulu to find out where the hottest underground raves were being held. He went from training jiu-jitsu to starting an entertainment promoting company so he could cruise with the coolest EDM DJs. Life was new, things were different. 

It wasn't long ago when the said local bradah would exclaim to his friends, "Auuuuryte! Brah, dis weekend it's on! We going BBQ down Sandys and spahk out all da chicks. Me and Kalani Boy going bring da grinds, da rest of you frickas bedda just bring down da beeahs and da podageese horseshoes. You guys not going beat me like last time!" However, now the conversations tend to go along the lines of, "Dude! Let's go to that rave this weekend, bro! We're gonna roll so hard and get weird! Kalani and I will bring the rolls, you brosephs better just bring down the water and glow sticks. You better not mess up your light show like last time!"

The said local bradah would also say, "Ho brah, we go check out da Fiji concert dis weekend! Cheeeheee! I heard going get J-Boog, Kolohe Kai, Tree Plus, and one spesho appearance by da lead singer of Koa'uka too!" What about now?  "Hey bro, I can't wait to check out that Above & Beyond concert this weekend at Kaka'ako! It'll totally be different than that dubstep concert we went to last week. I've been listening to their set from their most recent festival--of course, it's sick."

There were also times when the said local bradah would say, "Brah, let's go Vegas go gambo! My aunty who live over dea get deals for one hotel, we go!" And now? "Bro, save up, we're going to Vegas for EDC this year. My aunty who lives over there has the hook up on rolls, so we're covered. It's going to be insane, bro."

In these trying times, the makeup of a local bradah has changed. The next generation may never know how a real local bradah should be. Who will save the keiki?

Flushing the toilet no longer skanking, but only fist-pumping,

Loa

Using an iPad is not so sly

When you witness something out of the ordinary like a man irresponsibly wearing short shorts, you want to take a picture of it and post it on your social media sites so that all your friends can see what you saw and say, "Oh man, look at what Loa saw, he's so funny!"

Nowadays, everyone's taking a picture of everything using their phone. You walk past a tree, you take a picture. You're about to eat a delicious meal, you take a picture. You see you a boy dog and a girl dog getting in position to...walk with their owner, you take a picture. You get the point, everything at any given moment is subject to a snapshot.

But just how sly can you be taking a picture with an iPad?

"Hey, we need to find a way to get this," I would tell my friend.

I'd then direct my friend to stand in a way as to block my iPad such that my unassuming target, a dude irresponsibly wearing short shorts, would be unable to detect any covert picture-taking.

"Um, yeah, hi," the guy would stand up and say. "Yeah, over here. I heard what you said and see you with your iPad trying to take a picture of me. You don't think I notice an iPad?...or can hear?"

"My iPad? Oh this thing? It's a book...a black book. A sleek, black book that I sometimes like to read out loud to my friend here, Ricardo. It's a story, called 'Find a Way.'"

"Uh, no it's not. You'd be surprised to know that I work for Apple so when you say that's not an iPad, I'll respond to you that the dimensions of an iPad are 9.50 inches by 7.31 inches. Oh you go by millimeters? That would be 241.2 millimeters by 185.7 millimeters. The depth is 0.37 inch and it weighs 1.46 pounds...662 grams, if you will. That "black book" you're holding, is very similar to the device I'm describing. Don't play dumb with me. I may irresponsibly be wearing short shorts, but I ain't dumb. Shall I go on?"

"No dude, I'm seriously reading this book on my iPad to Ricardo. Look, it's really called, "Find a Way" by Merril Hoge, ya friggin' dick. It's about him overcoming all these obstacles to achieve his goal and to achieve a life that's worth a darn...ya friggin' dick!"

I would then show him the front cover of "Find a Way" on my iPad:

Then the guy who was irresponsibly wearing short shorts would sit with his head down thinking he's such a jerk, and I would slyly take a picture without him noticing. It's tough to secretly take a picture with an iPad, but if you got dem skills, you got dem skills.


Flushing the toilet as I have too, Found the Way,


Loa

Like an unhappy kid in a candy store

Recently I've been hearing quite a few "kid in a candy store" references to describe how happy so and so was. But think about how you think a kid feels like in a candy store and how a kid actually does feel like, you would get two different scenarios.

According to the website, "English, Baby!" the expression, "kid in a candy store" means feeling as though all of one's wishes are coming true; feeling as though one has everything in life; extremely happy because of all the good things are happening.

Ok. Let's see if this definition holds true:

Kid, let's call him Billy, walks into a candy store, eyes big as one's eyes could ever be.

"Ok, Billy, here it is," his mom would say. "Your first experience in a candy store. How does it feel?"

"Oh my, mom! I've never seen sucha beauty. All these candies, all these opportunities just perfectly waiting to get my taste buds in a frenzy!"

"I remember my first time like it was yesterday (gazing off into the past). It was me, your Aunty Becky, and grandpa. We were..."

Soon, Billy's mom would suddenly come to present day life and see little Billy throwing all kinds of candies into the wagon.

"Now Billy, you can't have all the candy you want," his mom would inform him.

"Wait, what do you mean I can't have all the candy I want, you crazy woman? Do you see all of this candy?! How am I supposed to satisfy the desires that lay deep within my heart and soul?"

"What do you think this is, Billy? You think you can just be a kid in a candy store and have EVERYTHING you want?! That's not how this works, son."

Billy would start throwing a fit, crying, whining and making the biggest scene.

"This sucks, mom! I am so disappointed in this trip to the candy store. Why would you do this to me?! Why?! Whhhhhhyyyyyy?! Wait, was your first time in a candy store this sucky, mommy?"

"No. Grandpa was rich. We broke."



Flushing the toilet with leftover Halloween candy,


Loa

I blame third world countries

Remember back in the day when you were once a little tot, there was never a time you wouldn't hear your mother or your father exclaim, "You better finish all that food on your plate!"? You could never leave the dinner table without that last grain of rice being consumed and all hope was lost. You were thinking in your head like, "Man, are these two people in front of my eyes that are my so-called parents serious right now? I'm just tryin' to get my damn hands on some Nintendo sticks." But what was their reason though?

Soon after that aforementioned quote from one of your parents, the following would...um, follow: "You know there are people out in the world starving?" But how did they know this, and who were those "people"?

As young, striving adults who didn't know what was wrong from right, your parents were hypnotized by commercials and protesters who showed children in third world countries starving for food and that whoever was watching those commercials should donate money to feed them--that or destroy the government.

"Oh my (gasp)! That can't be true," your parents would cry out. "When I have children of my own, there is no way my kids will leave that darn dinner table without finishing all of their food! I stand by my word, and my word is all I got, it's all I got."

Years later when you were born, you first didn't want to finish your baby food. But, "Heeeere comes the airplane!" and food was forced into your childish mouth. It all began there and didn't stop. Fast forward to now, you might eat a plate of food, see that extra bits of leftovers and think,"Who am I to not eat the rest of this food? Full or not, I was raised to not leave any food on my plate and that I shall do."

We people have it so hard here thinking whether or not we should finish our plate of food. Shut up about your problems and finish yo damn food.


Flushing the toilet with a full belly,

Loa

Wait, Don't Look Now!

I'm sure you've been in that situation where you and your friend are talking to each other and you notice a person who looks like someone and you tell your friend,"Don't look now, but the guy over there, see him?"

Your friend looks immediately.

"No, no, no, no, no, not right now, dummy! You're an idiot, I said not right now."

At that instant, the guy you were pointing out has already noticed that you guys are seemingly talking about him--not by hear, but by feeling. So he acts as if he's paying attention to the conversation he's having with his friend, but he's in fact keying in on you two.

"Whatever, so what about him," says your friend.

"Remember the movie, "Saving Silverman?" Doesn't he look like the coach who's in jail and when the two dudes ask him for advice on what they should do after they kidnapped Silverman's chick, he instructs the guys to kill her?"

Your friend, out of one eye, looks at the guy again, then starts to laugh,"Hahahaha, yeah he does!"

By this time, the guy obviously knows you're talking about him and gives you an eye so stink, that even a skunk would be like,"Dayyum! Now thas some stink ass eyes!"

He comes over, "You guys got a problem with me or something?"

"Uh, no sir. I was just complimenting your impressive cardigan to my friend here. Where could I find one like that?"

"Shut up, you dick heads."


Flushing the toilet secretly writing about this dude who was sitting next to me,


Loa

Beer Goggle Yourself

Beer goggles: A condition that exists, while in a drunken state, where a member of the opposite sex appears much more attractive than when sober.

Guys, you've all been in a situation where the opposite sex looked much better when you were drunk rather than they would be if you were sober. It's a crazy concept, but it's so true. When you're in a drunken state, you see a girl and you're like, "Awwwww yeeeeuh! I'mma get on this tonight!" Then you see that person again in a sober state and you're like, "Wow...um...I was pretty ripped last night."

But what if instead of using beer goggles on women, we used it for ourselves? You can get yourself into a drunken state, go to the nearest bathroom, look yourself in the mirror and be like, "Uuuu boy, you lookin' good tonight! Who looks good? You look good! Who's gonna get all the ladies tonight? You gonna get all the ladies tonight! Damn, you look good! What's up, what's up?! Ain't nobdoy gonna stop you, ya heard? Nobody! You got this, boy!"

After the buzzed pep talk, you then step outside to the bar or the club and work your damn magic on the ladies. The gals. The chickitos. The females. The "uuu she get it from her mamas."

You shy? Drink up. You nervous? Drink up. You think you're ugs? Drink up. You think you da man? Shut up. You start cruising with some hotties? Thaswhatsup.


Flushing the toilet like a G,

Loa

10 Qualities of a Tough Man

These are some of the qualities of a tough man, but only because he's around other people or his girlfriend:

1) He tells another man in a bar, "Were you just looking at my girl?" and then fights him.

2) He walks into haunted houses during Halloween and says, "Pssh, that wasn't even scary."

3) He goes out at night without an ID because he says that he knows all the bouncers.

4) He drinks a lot of beer and tells his girlfriend, "Babe, I'm not even buzzing yet."

5) He skateboards down steep hills for a few seconds then tells everyone, "Yeah, that hill? I bombed the entire thing."

6) He tells his girl that he watched that one scary movie by himself at nighttime with all the lights off.

7) He tells everyone that he doesn't have  a favorite alcoholic drink because he'll drink anything.

8) He tells everyone, "Nah, Facebook is for kids."

9) He kills a cockroach when a girl screams, "OMG, a cockroach! Get it! Get it!"

10) He stays in the ocean way past sunset because he claims the shark is his 'aumakua.

Flushing the toilet with huge mahscles,

Loa

A conversation with the creator of lyrics on YouTube

Remember there was a time when you were listening to a song, and you wanted to sing-along with it, but you were too lazy to look for the lyrics online? Then, by the grace of God, someone came up with the brightest idea to post a YouTube video with not only the song, but with the lyrics too?!

Not to brag, but I know the inventor! He wants to keep his name anonymous, so I'll just call him Marcus McDoodlemeister, but I did however sit down with him today to talk inspiration, fish and karaoke in this exclusive and rare interview.

Loa: Hey what's up, man? How you been?

Marcus: Hey, not much. I'm good, man. Currently working on some new songs as we speak.

Loa: What songs are you doing and what genre do you usually do?

Marcus: Working on this vintage Busta Rhymes freestyle. It's taking me a while because it's ten minutes long, but I'm almost half way done. Also doing a John Mayer tune too. The song's not out yet, but I have connections. I pretty much do any genre. One day I'll do Chris Brown, and the next I'll be doing Reba McEntire--all depends on my mood and what people suggest.

Loa: Nice. So the obvious question, how did you think of putting a song with lyrics on a YouTube video?

Marcus: Well, it all started when I aspired to be a YouTube sensation. I tried being in front of the camera and posted a bunch of vids. After numerous dislikes and nasty comments, I came to the conclusion that I didn't have the pizzaz nor the physical bone structure to be a successful hit. One night while watching music videos on YouTube, I was singing along with the lyrics from another website, and I was like, "Dude, this sucks! I wanna see the lyrics on one page!" So after some thought and many dark nights, I came up with the idea to not only post the song on YouTube, but add and match the lyrics as the song went on--sort of like karaoke.

Loa: Are you a big karaoke fan?

Marcus: I've been known to sing a few tunes up on the stage (giggles with his right hand covering mouth). But really, I love to sing. Of course, I don't possess the voice of a Kelly Clarkson, but I'm not afraid to show my singing side. I think in a way, I'm kind of stepping on karaoke's feet by posting these videos, but the music business didn't like Sean Parker when he created Napster, so be it.

Loa: Do you feel like you're the new Sean Parker?

Marcus: C'mon man! You know I'd never compare myself to Mr. Parker...But if I had to, then yes, I would say I am the new Sean Parker.

Loa: Ok, so you have to tell me if this is true. I heard that one time at a restaurant you ordered fish and they ran out, you got so mad that you told one of the creators of YouTube, Steve Chen, to ban your server from YouTube. Is that true?

Marcus: Unfortunately, that is true. I was on a date with a hot-smoking red-head and I just really wanted to wine and dine her. I was being really smooth, ordering the most expensive wine, saying that her dress really complimented her hair--you know, things like that. And when I got to the fish situation, I just lost it. I don't know--I just really love fish. I was so frustrated that I hit up Steve and was like, "Bro, Larry Finnegan, prohibit him from ever using YouTube." I didn't even have to explain myself, Steve immediately barred him from using YouTube.

Loa: Til this day is he still not allowed on YouTube?

Marcus: Oh yeah, of course. I feel bad, but I don't take those kind of things lightly. There are three things people need to realize that I really love: YouTube and fish.

Loa: The third?

Marcus: Huh?

Loa: The third thing that you love?

Marcus: ...clean socks.

Loa: Ok. Any inspirations?

Marcus: Yeah of course. More recently, Barak Obama, Michelle Obama, Sasha Obama and Malia Obama.

Loa: So basically, not only Barak, but his wife and their two children?

Marcus: Yeah. they're just a great family. I heard they can all sing too--voices of not angels, probably. You're not going to believe me, but I have a poster of them on my wall at my mom's house. She's a Republican though, and had a really bad vacation in Hawaii. So when she comes into my room, I created this device where a poster of Bill Clinton and his family when he was in office covers the Obama family. Sometimes it's a pretty close call.

Loa: Trust me, I believe you. You really are a weird cat, but it's cool though. Any last thoughts?

Marcus: Jessica Simpson once said, "Is it weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?" And that's how I kind of look at life. It may be weird to others, but if weird to others is normal to me, I'm totally fine with being weird. Shout out to my mom, YouTube, and lyrics!


Flushing the toilet singing-a-long to the YouTube jams,

Loa

ABDC and American Idol judge Merrie Monarch

While watching the Merrie Monarch on Friday night, I told my roommate how classic, but inappropriate it would be if the judges for America's Best Dance Crew (ABDC) and American Idol were judging the legendary competition. And who would be the host? None other than Mr. Mario Lopez--beat it, Seacrest! Heck, let's jump right into it and see how the first performance and judging would unfold.

Mario: Alohe (yes, alohe) everyone, welcome to the 2012 Merrie Monarch Festival! Let's introduce this year's prestigious judges. First, we have B-Boy extraordinaire, Dominic "D'Trix" Sandoval. Next we have Mr. Aerosmith, Steven Tyler. The next judge is from a boy band, JC Chasez. Next to him we have the feisty mamacita, Lil' Mama. Sitting next to her is the only black guy to ever play in the band Journey, Randy Jackson. And last but not least, straight from the block, it's Jennifer Lopez! No relation of course (laughs, but the audience doesn't). Give a hand for our judges!

Cont: Our first performers will be group Ke...(looks down at his piece of paper) Ke...'ala...oka...okamaily.

The broadcast catches the disgusted audience shaking their head.

The first halau elegantly performs an unforgettable hula.

                           

Mario: Let's go to our judges for their thoughts.

JC Chasez: You know, I like this group. We're talking about a group that came all the way over from Maui, on a journey to fulfill a dream, and they're here, doing just that. I wanna go into a slow-mo. Look at the motion of their hands--precision at its finest. Congratulations guys, you did an awesome job!

Randy Jackson: Ey yo, dawg! So check this out. Dude, you guys were rockin' it! Am I right (looks at the audience)? First performance of the night, and let me tell you something--every group watch out because they were hot, baby!

Steven Tyler: (Just in awe) My God, guys. You just blew me away. From the first time I saw you guys, I knew that within my soul, that the music combined with your movements would change my life forever. I thank you for that, I thank you.

D'Trix: Hey ladies! You guys are lookin' fine tonight, uuu you lookin' fine! First off, let me say that your dresses are looking excellent--it could be a bit shorter, but hey, they're looking good! I wanna say that your kaloho (as he meant kaholo) could use some work, but I'm liking what I'm seeing!

Jennifer Lopez: (Tearing up) I...I can't even speak right now. Like, I know I'm speaking, but I'm so at a lost of words. Well, I know I'm speaking words, but you know what I mean. Your movements, your power, your love...everything--it was just so beautiful. I loved your performance and I love you, and I want you to love me back, and...(gets cut off by Lil' Mama).

Lil' Mama: Oh my gawd, oh my gawd. Let me just tell y'all this: (moment of silence) Y'ALL JUST KILT IT! Y'all ain't scared. Y'all are fearless. Y'all believed in y'all selves, and now, y'all just made me a believer. I wanna go into a slow-mo. When y'all did that ami and uwihi? Uwahi? Uwaha? Uwehe? I'm not too good with these Hawaiian words, but when y'all did that move, I was like, 'Yeeah, dey doin' they thang!' I really just want y'all to know that whatever happens in this competition, know that y'all kilt it, and I'm proud of y'all!

Ok, so now you know why the Merrie Monarch judges are BAWSE. They are qualified to judge the art of hula and there is no argument why they shouldn't be a judge. I mean, when have you seen Lil' Mama ever dance? J-Lo is a better dancer than a singer (note: In Living Color). Steven Tyler is just....weird and crazy. Unlike dancing television shows where ultimately America decides, the Merrie Monarch judging actually affects the outcome of the competition and their entire life revolves around the culture.


Flushing the toilet while continuously yelling, "Y'ALL JUST KILT IT!" (of course I'm speaking directly to my dutes on how the bathroom smell has now been kilt),


Loa

I'm Magic, I must know baseball

By now, you probably have heard that Magic Johnson is a part of the team that bought the Los Angeles Dodgers. If you haven't, I just told you. Magic, known to be the most famous athlete/celebrity to ever grace the L.A. area, knows everything about basketball.

Magic doesn't know baseball. There are others in the organization taking care of the day-to-day operations, so Magic is more the "face" of the Dodgers. He said that his role would also include recruiting free agents (players whose contracts are finished and they are no longer obligated to that team). Could you imagine a conversation Magic, a basketball mind, would have with a baseball free agent though?

Magic: How ya doin' man, how ya doin'?

Free Agent: I'm good Magic, how are you?

M: I'm good, thank you. So what I wanted to talk about is coming to play for the Lakers.

F: You mean the Dodgers, right?

M: Yes, the Dodgers, that's what I meant. I remember when I was playing in the 1980's NBA Championship game (gazes off into outfield)--it was a beautiful thing. We had so many good things go right, we had so many of the right pieces. I think you would be the perfect piece for the Dodgers to take it to the next level.

F: You really think so?

M: Yes! I've seen you pitch, and you've got the stuff.

F: But I'm a first baseman, Magic...

M: No, no, no. Not pitch as in a pitcher (looks for an answer)...pitch as in pitch a team to strive to do better. To be a leader. You've got the stuff, son."

F: (Hesitant) Thanks...

M: I just believe that once you hit that court for this team with the direction of our head coach, you have the skills to compete for the MLB Championship.

F: Alright, Magic, first, I don't even play on a court. Second, we baseball players play under a manager. Third, it's the World Series! The MLB World Series!

Yeah, I'm sure the conversation would never be like this, but IF IT DID...


Flushing the toilet not with my hand but with magic,


Loa

You were born on leap year?

In light of this year's leap year, which is tomorrow, I figured I'd talk about the summer's warmth and how when the sun hits your skin, it blossoms into the feeling only a peacock could experience. DJ, PLAY THAT BACK!

In light of this year's leap year, I figured I'd talk about...this year's leap year. Everyone jokes around about people who were born on the 29th of February in any year like, "Ohhh, hahaha you're only four years old today!" when obviously, you dummy, he/she is 16. Not a funny joke, not a cool friend, heard it all before--although I know not of anyone who was born on the 29th so that last statement is untrue.

What if though, in some opposite-Robin-William's-Jack-kind-of-way, your body only adapted to the official day you were born. So somehow, the universe knew you were born on the 29th of February and would only grow in a year increment every four years? Woooooah (Insert: Keanu Reeve's voice and eerie music).

Btw, leap year is when there's an extra day in the year to keep the calendar year synchronized with the astronomical or seasonal calendar. Basically, February every four years has 29 days instead of 28. Thought I'd throw that out since two people I asked what leap year is had no idea. And if you want to get scientific about leap year, shaaadapp.

Flushing the toilet on February 29th once every four years (or twice if my stomach is all hamajang),

Loa

Food Paparazzi

I sit here on a plate and I am pissed. This girl who has just ordered me is once again taking out her camera phone to snap a photo of me. I say once again because before I was cooked, I watched my cousin get broiled, put on a plate and brought to the same girl. She whipped out her camera, laughing with her friends trying to get the perfect shot to document her choice of food and make everyone jealous by posting it to her social media sites. Poor, Cousin Pork Choppy IV. I'm about to be another victim.

I wish we could go back in time. Generations and generations ago, there were no camera phones and we were just simply ate. No one posted us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. We were only there to satisfy a hunger or taste--now we're labeled as "food porn." Um, I know what food and porn is, so like, ewww! How can I now be in a category under the word porn? I feel like I'm being wrongly exposed to strangers around the world.

We food are like those human celebrities trying to relax underneath the sun and everyone's taking pictures of us. No one needs to know how good we look. Why can't you just keep it to yourself? These fools with camera phones are abusing us. They don't pair us up with good wine or a tasty beer to make us happy as we are consumed--they take a picture and eat us like we're nobody. Well you know what, I'm someone! I said, I AM SOMEO...

Dammit, I'm in the belly of the beast.


Flushing the toilet from inside a stomach,


A Dead New York Steak

We want Jeremy Lin to retire, love Harvard

Dear Jeremy Lin,


We are the Harvard Student Council, and we'd like to personally congratulate you on your sudden success in the National Basketball Association (NBA). You have reached new heights in an area where we Harvard students do not usually prosper.

On that note, we'd also like to say that you are a traitor. You are now getting high praises for what we Harvard students do not strive for. We are academics, and academics only. At first, we were worried like, "Oh my, Jeremy entered the NBA draft!" But then you didn't get drafted so we were happy. Then you got picked up by the Golden State Warriors and we were worried again. But then you were released, picked up by the Houston Rockets, released, in the D-League, then picked up by the New York Knicks. All was still well because we knew you weren't going to get any play time.

Then we all know what happened: Linsanity. Ha! What a imbecilic and mindless nickname! You think you're so cool hanging out with that Carmelo guy who has those tattoos and that Amare guy who wears those glasses. Pssh...well you know what, you're not as cool as you think. They're not your people Jeremy, we're your people!

Excuse us for our informal speech, but we are just so fed up with you, Jeremy! We hold a high regard that no Harvard graduate should ever have as much success that you've managed to receive as an athlete. What would the man we named our school after, John Harvard, think if he knew that a graduate of this school was actually thriving in a sport rather than being a politician, businessman or an orchestra professional? He'd be rolling in his grave!

Remember you used to play the violin, and we'd all call you Jeremy Vio...lin? We would even use that pause when saying violin because you said it was humorous and it tickled your funny bone. Where did that Jeremy go? Who is this new Jeremy? Do you remember Henry Montgomery II? He bought 300 basketballs and inflated each and every one of them to give himself some hope that maybe this all was a dream.

We students at Harvard have initiated the "Don't Play Another Minute in the NBA, Play the Vio...lin" petition and believe me, the signatures are multiplying everyday. We'd strongly advise you to consider this letter as a caveat, and retire from the NBA to start working on getting a job in the economics sector since you did get your degree in Economics, right?

Again, you have not done the university a favor by playing this sweaty, stinky game called basketball at the professional level. Please do what we have asked and there will be no further actions on our part.



Flushing the toilet with sincereness (but not really),


The Harvard Student Council

Two separate horns in a car

Whenever you're driving, whether it'd be on a bumper-to-bumper street or a fast-paced freeway, you're bound to hear a few car horns honked your way or to a fellow driver. What car manufactures haven't thought about is a solution to vehicles only making one car-horned sound because you really don't know what the horn is suggesting. I say, make vehicles with two car horns.

Say you're driving on a street, and you see your friend biking on the side of the road. He's bumping his head and his earphones in, so you know he won't hear you when you go, "Hoooooo, Larry!" But he will hear you when you honk your horn. You honk twice, he looks your way, and he shakas in response to your honking. What you don't notice is the guy in front of you who thinks that you honked at him. He sticks his hand out of the window, eyes you out in his rearview mirror as to say, "Yeah, you think you so cool honking your horn, but you know what, you're not! Stop the car, let's fight to the death!"

The honk was taken in the wrong way.

Say you're driving on the freeway, and the car next to you unknowingly cuts you off, and you beep your horn and hold it down as to say, "Um...exxxxxcuuuuuse me! Who the hell do you think you are?! Stop the car, let's fight to the death!" But he hears the horn, smiles back at you in the rearview mirror, and throws out the shaka in response, thinking that it was a beep from his friend 'cause heck, he can't tell the difference in horn honking, it all sounds the same.

The honk was taken in the wrong way.

It would be very convenient if there were two separate horns in your car: one to say, "Hey, how are you?" and one to say, "I hope you go to sleep tonight with one eye open." That way, each receiver of a horn honk will be greeted according to how the horn honker intended to with no assumptions.

Another creation that would be helpful, and in no way against the law, would be a screen that is mounted onto your back window that allows you to type whatever you want the driver behind you to read.

If the car behind you is driving too close to your car, all you would have to do is type: "Hey man, you think you could be one car length behind me instead of being all up in my GRILL?! Lay off the gas, bro!"

If the car behind obviously looks super dumb and a dude is is driving it, and you want to start a fight: "Cool car, bro. Is your wife the mechanic of the house?"

If you accidentally cut a person off, and you felt the need to apologize because they honked one of their two horns in their car that honked negatively: "Sorry for cutting you off, can I buy you a 40 at the next gas station?"

If the car behind you is your grandma and you need to deliver a message: "Hey grandma, dinner at mom's house was changed from 6:30 to 7." She might be a bit freaked out, but it's better than texting her cave-woman's cell phone, and getting her into an accident (this device GUARANTEES you no accidents).

Whether it be a double-horned car or a screen that's mounted onto your back window, there needs to be a consideration to communicate what we're actually trying to say to the other car while driving. Help us, car manufactures, help you. Help us...help you.


Flushing the toilet while yelling HONK, HONK, HONKKKK,

Loa

I don't want to buy girl scout cookies

First and foremost, my apologies for not having written anything in a minute, I've been one, lazy, two, a girl, and three, lazy (I hate when people mention three things, but it's really only two things, with one being said twice. It's like, just because you can't think of a third thing, doesn't mean you can take the easy route and mention one thing twice).

"Would you like to support our soccer team and buy some cookies?" a little girl will ask me before I walk into the grocery store.

Her tone of voice and eyes make it hard to lie. "I'll get you guys when I come back out," I'll say in hopes that they forget me and what I said.

Trust me, I'm no A-hole, but I go to the grocery store merely to buy the necessities, and not to splurge on those tasty and tempting cookies.

Sometimes I'll catch the girls turning their back to me--"Perfs timing," I say to myself and hurry past them into the store. Other times they'll be talking to another grocery customer--"Perfs timing," I say to myself and hurry past them into the store.

Like I said, if they do in fact get in contact with me, I'm able to shut them down with my "I'll catch you on the way out" line, no problem. You'd think kids would be so damn cute and innocent that you couldn't help yourself but purchase at least a box of cookies, but it's actually the parents that I can't turn down.

When the girl asks me if I want to buy cookies, and her dad is standing behind her, staring at me like, "You better buy these damn cookies, or else you'll have a date with my fist in the parking lot," then of course, "I'll take a dozen of the Shortbread cookies and six (the dad squints his eyes at me even more), I mean a dozen of the Thin Mints too."

The girl joyfully turns around to her dad, "Daddy, daddy, this man bought 24 boxes of cookies!"

"Wow, what a great and giving man he is!" he tells her.

And now I'm left with only $15 to buy $120 worth of groceries. Thanks, pops.

If I keep up with my selfish ways where I avoid these little, ambitious kids, my future kids are screwed. No one will buy a single box of cookies from them, in no way do I have the physical appearance to eye out a customer behind my child to force them to buy cookies, and I'll have to buy their plane fares every single time for their sport trips.

That's why I'm writing this though; I've come to this realization that I have to support the children in their endeavors, so I've set up a jar, labeled "Girl Scout Cookies Fund" and I will be prepared to buy cookies from these blood sucking children!



Flushing the toilet with chocolate chip droppings,

Loa

I only sing and talk whenever I see someone

The more you're around the same people, the more you observe their usual tendencies. Like at my work, this co-worker always gets food and eats it at approximately 9:30, or like this other worker who unknowingly (I think) answers questions with another question.

What I observe from a lot of people is that they sing a song, say something, or make up a song with a made up tone only when they see someone so that they feel like their voice was heard. Let me break it dawwwwn.

Sing a song:

Throughout the course of point A to B, this person hasn't sang anything, but once he/she sees a human body (alive and alert), you hear them belt: "You are, my fire/The one, desire/Believe, when I say/I want it that way." Then, the person that heard this laughs and exclaims, "You're so stupid!" Thennnn, ten minutes later, the person who exclaimed, starts unconsciously singing the Backstreet Boys song. Then the original singer hears this, and says, "Yesssss, it caught on!"

Now of course, this isn't the singers' intention--to get another person to latch on to sing the song he/she started singing--but it's really about a person wanting to hear him/her sing A song.

Say something:


Throughout the course of point A to B, this person hasn't said anything, but once he/she sees a human body (alive and alert), you hear them complain: "Man, my leg is so sore!" Then of course, the person who heard this complaint has to ask the following question with their eyes secretly rolling: "Why?" Then that person goes through saying how he/she got charlie horsed by their little brother who had a knee the size of Shaq's, and then he/she's leg was supposed to be amputated, but right before the surgery, the doctor found out that there was nothing serious wrong with his/her leg.

It's an easier way of saying, "Hey, let me tell you what happened to my leg," without saying, "Hey, let me tell you what happened to my leg.

Make up a song with a made up tone:

Throughout the course of point A to B, this person hasn't sang or said anything, but once he/she sees a human body (alive and alert), you hear them make up a song with a made up tone: "Oooooh I hate my job/Oooooh I really, really hate my job."

Obviously, they're trying to get a point across: he or she hates their job, but they've managed to say their point by singing it. This way, it's a serious matter, but since they've made it into a song, it's playful at the same time.

I'm pretty sure I've done all three of these, and I always laugh to myself when I'm the human body that's alive and alert, being the first to hear someone sing a song, say something, or make up a song with a made up tune. Try and watch for when these scenarios take place, it's pretty classic.


Flushing the toilet with giggles,

Loa

A poem written on my toilet

*This is dedicated to my dear friend, Aikane Manuia

My friend was teasing me the other night--if you cant tell, it was Aikane--on how my blog was about me writing poems while I sat on the toilet. I think his words were, "Why don't you just go on your toilet and write poems!" So I figured to myself, why not grant him his wish, and write a poem as my naked butt sits on my toilet. But I'd like to think that I'm not actually on a toilet, but rather on a stage with my fellow bongo player.

It is night time
The sky has just turned orange
Where am I?
And seriously, why would the night sky be orange?

I'm in a lava field
Way below the field
Because if I were above the lava field, obviously
The sky wouldn't be orange

I'm swimming for the top
I need to escape to where it's blue
My arms are hurting, not from the arduous human paddling
But from these damn lava burns that I'm collecting

But wait, what's that? Could it be blue?
I must have escaped to the top!
Nope, it's just a checkpoint sign that of all colors in the world, it happens to be blue

I'm halfway there, I tell myself
Go, go, go, the cheerleaders cheer me
But the lava keeps pushing me down
Go, go, go, the swim team cheer me as they do cool synchronized leg movements

I have a languid body
I don't think I'll make it this time
We all can't be winners, right?
"Ask LeBron," one swimmer says.

I see a crowd of people yelling
Half of them for me, half of them against me, and weirdly another half yelling at their children
Three halves?
The orchestra from the Titanic is playing the Music when a protagonist is al.most.there.
I've made it

Everyone has disappeared except the noise of a violin
Sooothing, soft sounds grace my earlobe only, not
My whole ear
A man walks up to me

"You've passed level one, now on to level two of Two hundred and thirty-nine levels."
Dun, dun, dun...

It is night time
The sky has just turned orange
Where am I?
And seriously, why would the night sky be orange?



So, yeah, there it is. Great visuals, and solid structure is how I'd describe this elite poem. Also, I'd rate it at about a 9 3/4 out if a 10; could use just a bit more orange I feel like. But if you can take something away from this, shaaaaadap, I don't write poems!


Flushing the toilet with strength,

Loa

Christmas in the hood

*Just got my computer back from repair, and I was too lazy to write from my iPhone, so I'm sorry, but I'm back homedogs.

It's Christmas time, so why not, let's talk about Christmas.

Each year, a popular artist like Mariah Carey or Josh Groban will come out with a Christmas album, and the masses will run to their computers (it's not music stores nowadays), and purchase the album online in hopes that this will be the new voice to their most current Christmas season.

I say new voice only because every song is the same songs people have been hearing since the 1800s like "Silent Night" and "Deck the Halls." This year's voice of Christmas would undoubtedly have to be Michael Buble, and his Christmas album, aptly entitled, "Christmas." I'm sure it took months to think of that title.

You can thank my girlfriend, who woke me up one morning, and told me to buy the album on iTunes. I like Christmas music and this album, but it is the same songs. Let's look at the titles:

1. It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
2. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
3. Jingle Bells
4. White Christmas
5. All I Want For Christmas Is You
6. Holly Jolly Christmas
7. Santa Baby (It's kind of weird hearing only a dude sing this song)
8. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
9. Christmas
10. Silent Night
11. Blue Christmas
12. Cold December Night
13. I'll Be Home For Christmas
14. Ave Maria
15. Mis Deseos/Feliz Navidad

I think it's safe to say that errbody has heard 99% of these songs at some point in their Christmas music-listening. I like it though. It has that Buble-orchestra feel to it, so that's always cool to hear.

But if you wanted to hear Christmas songs that you might have never heard before, listen to hip-hop Christmas music. These songs all put twists to classics, and comes out really humorous. Here, check some out:

Afroman--12 J's of X-Mas

Snoop Dogg ft Daz Dillinger, Nate Dogg, Bad Azz, and Tray Dee 

--Santa Goes Straight To The Ghetto

Run DMC ft Mase, Diddy, Snoop Dogg, Salt N Pepa,

Onyx, and Keith Murray--Santa Baby

Yeah, no one can really redo these songs like singers can redo the classic Christmas songs you hear every winter, but hey, that's what makes these songs even more classic!

Flushing the toilet with seasonal holiday scented spray,

Loa

I buy, but I never finish

Ever been to the grocery store, walked past the fruits and veggies, and put them in your cart knowing there was a good chance you weren't going to finish them?

I'm guilty, and there are two things that I buy but never fully eat, ultimately getting rotten: bananas and lettuce (sucks it has to be nutritious foods, and not junk food like ones that clog up your arteries causing you to have to punch your chest like Chris Farley in that Da Bears Saturday Night Live skit).

As I walk pass the fruits, I think to myself, "Hey Loa, this might be a great opportunity to get some kind of fruit in your system with all the loco mocos and BBQ chicken plates you've been devouring, hmm?" So I'll pick a bunch of bananas and throw it into my cart. Days pass, one banana gone, but the bunch is still in tact.

I walk pass the produce section, and I think to myself, "Why, with you adding fruit to your daily food intake, wouldn't it be perfect if you add some lettuce?!" Joyful, I'll get a bundle of lettuce not even questioning if my dressing at home has expired or not. I'll get home, make salad the same night I bought the lettuce, then leave the rest in my refrigerator to rot until I think it's time to finally throw it away with the bunch of bananas I've left on my kitchen counter.

It's still a mystery why I allow myself to let my bananas and lettuce rot. If there's anything to learn from this, and I assure you, there's nothing, it's that you should never leave anything undone. Finish your damn bananas and lettuce!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa