A fly and an animal with a tail

I wish sometimes I was an animal. No, not a bird so I could fly. Not a pig so I could oink. Not a turtle so I could be slow as hell. But an animal with a tail; any animal with a tail.

Why?

With every fly that came my way to constantly irritate me over and over again, waa-pah! He/she (I don't know how you differentiate between sexes of flies) would get the mean whip from my tail and die.

Now don't quote me, and say that every time a fly lands on an animal-with-a-tail's ass, they will die by the wrath of its tail. What I mean is, whatever animal body I'm in, I'm going to make it a point to rack up my fly-kill statistics.

Too many times have I let flies get away with murder, landing on my human skin, me whooshing them away, them coming back, me whooshing them away, and them coming back! It's like they're playing this stupid game of how many times it takes before I slap myself with a fly swatter (which I currently do not own so this makes no sense at all). It's time to get animal with an animal tail!

If this should teach you anything, remember that we are not all Mr. Miyagis with chopsticks; it's going to take some human-to-animal-body transformation.

I'm no boss nor chief

Recently, I've been coming across a lot of people saying, "Thanks, boss," or "Thanks, chief." While the thank you may be genuine, that is the stupidest label ever, therefore, by using those phrases, you are stupid.





Boss


I do not pay your bills. I do not tell you you're doing a horrible job when you're doing a great job just because I can, and by me degrading you, gives me great satisfaction and doesn't jeopardize my job position. I do not not pay attention to you when you ask me for a favor, I actually do it.

Chief


I do not live in a tepee. I do not dance around a fire and tell you to go on a five-day adventure to hunt down buffalos for our tribe. I do not contain one ounce of Native American blood within my mixplate genetic makeup. I do not possess any feathers. (Note: even if you mean chief in any other way, I don't care, I'm taking the Native American translation).

Saying those phrases sounds demeaning even when not intended; sounds like whoever said it is really not thankful. I'd probably suggest that instead of using boss or chief, use common worker or indian. While the latter may seem a bit too much for our equality nature...I have no reasoning, don't use indian, just use common worker.

Scenario:

"Hey, can you help me with my lightbulb? It's a tad too high, and I can't reach it, and my body is so old, and my fingers are so frail, and I can't stop talking, and my kids won't call, my husband is gone..."

"Ok, lady! I'll help."

"Thanks, common worker."

Okay yeah, that doesn't really better the label. You kind of want to punch this lady in her face now. Whatever, just quit using boss and chief, dammit!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

Taking a look back on 5 inventions

In our generation, we're always looking forward to the newest invention or update of an electronic device that we've forgotten about the inventions that really gets us through these days. Inventions that I felt was necessary to mention so that we remember what's the real deal.

1) Can opener: There was once a day where folks would have to use a chisel and a hammer to open canned goods. The inventor of the can, Peter Durand, found a way to seal food in a can, but didn't give thought to how you could open that very can. I once used a knife because I couldn't find my can opener and although I kept my finger, blood was visible. This makes the can opener such a commodity and allows us to cook the grinds eeeeeasy.

2) Doors: Before doors, there was no privacy. There would be openings into various rooms, but you'd never be kept alone. People would be sneaking over your back to read what you were writing in your diary, see you doing sexual activities, and ultimately taking huge dumps. Until doors, life was public. Now, we can enter into closed rooms, shut the door behind us, and then get back out again.

3) Light bulb: Before the light bulb was invented by Thomas Edison, people were using lit candles to light up their houses/rooms. When you walked your chick down the hallway and into your room, which was filled with a ridiculous amount of lit candles, she didn't think it was romantic, she just was thankful that she could see where she was walking. Now, even if you got your girl with one lit candle, she's like, "OMG, this is soooo perfect!" You can thank Thomas for that one.

4) Fan: "What do you mean we don't have to rely on nature's wind in order to have a breeze in doors? You mean, you just have to plug this into the outlet, and it will create wind?!" Have you ever not possessed a fan? Then as you're sleeping, sweat forms in pockets like the backside of your knees and in your armpits. What if you're sleeping with your girl, spooning, and all she's thinking is, "Eww, he has the audacity to buy a loco moco for dinner even though I told him to watch his calories, but not purchase a damn fan so he's not sweating buckets all over me?!" A fan is crucial, especially here in Hawaii.

5) Toilet paper: I think you saw this one coming, but I had to do it. Our bodies are made to take a dump almost daily, so toilet paper is a necessity in our lives. Life without toilet paper is an itchy experience. Back in the day, people would use fruit skins, wood shavings, moss, ferns, snow, and other things I don't want the wiping of my butt to be associated with. This has to be one of the most brilliant inventions ever. Oh, I can get apps on something called an iPhone? Oh, I can watch movies on something called a television? Oh, I can warm up my food without a stove in something called a microwave? Pssh, more like I can wipe my butt after I take a huge dump and not be scratching all day with something called toilet paper!

No conclusion, I'm flushing this damn toilet,

Loa

I yell a lot, and my name is Eminem

After work, I got in my car, and Eminem was blasting on the radio barking like a mad dog again. I haven't listened to every song of Slim Shady's, but it seems as though he is yelling in every song that I hear from him. I can't imagine having a conversation with Eminem.

"Hey, what's up Em," I'd start off by saying.

"What's up, Loa!," he'd yell at me looking like he wants to start a fight.

Slowly, I'd say, "I'm doing good...how are you?"

"I'm great!" Eminem would begin. "It's such a great day! The sun is out and there was a nice breeze!"

"Why are you mad then?"

"I ain't mad!"

"Then why do you keep yelling at me?"

"I ain't yelling, homie! I ain't yelling!"

Soon after that, I would sit down with him, and let him know that I recorded our entire conversation without his consent. At first, he would be mad, but then I would give him a little nod to let him know he was getting mad, then he'd listen in on the conversation.

"I'm so sorry, Loa!" he would yell. "I mean, I'm so sorry, Loa. I don't listen to my own music, so this whole time, I didn't know I was yelling like a madman."

"It's ok, Eminem," I'd say as I consoled him. "I care about you, and I care about your well-being. You'll get through this, I know you will. It'll take time, but trust me, the world is about to change once you stop yelling madly in your songs. Have you ever thought about your throat? You yell so much that there's no need to smoke cigarettes--you're gonna eventually be speaking through a microphone out of a hole in your throat. Do you want that, Em, do you want that?!"

"No," he simply would answer with a frown.

Changes are upon us, my friends. Great changes. And it all starts with Slim Shady.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

As if you had a Facebook account

When I scroll through my Facebook Newsfeed, there's a good chance I'll see a post where someone (gosh, I guess it's one of my friends) speaks directly to an inanimate object or to family members who don't even have a Facebook account.

Example:

"Dear Finals Week, will you please be done with, so that it can be summertime, and I don't have to deal with you for a good three months!? Love, Loa."

If "Finals Week" were to somehow speak directly back to you, it'd probably say something like:

"Dear Loa, it's really up to you. Trust me, I could care less if you took me or not, 'cause honestly, you're probably wasting your time, and you may not fail me, but will fail to graduate. Love, Finals Week."

Or for the family member who doesn't have a Facebook account:

"Happy Birthday, Dad! I love you so much, and hope you have a wonderful day! So happy you're in my life :)"

It's like, I know your dad doesn't have a Facebook account; he's the last person who would have one. We all know he's Internet illiterate, and would rather be watching TV and drinking a beer than wondering what everyone's up to. And if you want to tell your dad Happy Birthday, um...just tell him yourself. Walk outside of your room, and tell him. He's not there? Call him. And if he doesn't have a Facebook, who are you talking to? You just wanted everyone to know how cute, how much you love your dad, and that it's his birthday? That's cool.

But I guess we all put posts on our Facebook to receive love from our friends. A comment would be great! But a "like" would suffice too. I look forward to the next string of direct speakings to inanimate objects and family members who don't have a Facebook account.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

And Then There Was A Recipe

A really short story for the readers:

Once upon a time, there was a day, when companies like Bisquick and Onion Soup didn't have recipes on the back of their boxes. People would pass these no-recipe-boxes in supermarkets and be like, "Why would I ever consider buying this product, I don't even know what to use it for!"

As many owners of these kinds of products noticed that no one in their right mind were buying them, they were like, "You know what, let's take our product off the shelves and remodel our packaging."

Meetings upon meetings and arguments upon arguments and even collaborations upon collaborations took place. One idea was that instead of their boxes being non-see through, they'd put a transparent window which would allow consumers to see what they were buying. Someone stood up and said, "Are you out of your mind, Tommy! I oughtta go over there and slap your head, you idiot!"

Then one day, it hit; they finally came up with the right idea: "Let's put recipes on the back of the box so that when people look at this product, they'll know what some of the possibilities they can create with our product!"

Even if you don't look at the back of the box, which I assume everyone doesn't, if you don't know what to create with the products you purchase, I hope Tommy, the guy who came up with the bad idea, will come out of nowhere and slap your head.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

I should have got that joke patented

A few months ago, I came up with this joke, and have received much praise (in laughter) on it up until this very day. It got me thinking that whoever I told this joke to might steal it from me, and claim their creative brilliance. Then I was like, how does one know where a certain joke originated from?

Fat jokes, your mama jokes--every single joke that has ever been made up has an originator, but when that joke is told, the originator gets no love. Shame on you, musicians, who cry about their music being stolen. Um, yeah maybe your song was downloaded for free, but you got some money out of it; these dudes making up jokes get their joke stolen and receive no benefits, no nothin'!

Anyway, how would you go about getting a joke patented? The definition of patent is "a government authority to an individual or organization conferring a right or title, esp. the sole right to make, use, or sell some invention," and mmhmm, a joke is an invention, and if one can make money off a joke, then heck, let me patent that damn thing!

And if a joke was somehow patented, what would happen if someone decided to use the joke without authority or permission and who would regulate it? I'm gonna go ahead and say that whoever regulated it, would probably make sure you died. Yeah...dead.

Okay, maybe being able to patent a joke isn't the best idea...

Oh, what was the joke?

So you'd go up to someone and say, "Do you have the new app for your phone? The one you can chat on it with other people?" Then he/she most likely would get into it asking if it was this or that app, and then you'd cut them off and say, "Chattttttttt app!!"

Get it patented right? I know.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa