You can say shut up without anyone knowing

Ever hear someone you don't know talking near you like, "Omg (actually says the letters o, m, and g), so yeah, he like goes over, slaps her butt, and she doesn't even do anything! And I'm thinking to myself like 'Omg, is she REALLY not gonna do anything' cause if it was me girl, you know I woulda done something!"? You hear this and you just want to say, "SHUT UP!" but you're not a mean person, and would never say something so cruel aloud, right?

Now, all you have to do is say these few words/names--located beneath--that indicate the phrase "shut up" without that person knowing you're saying it to him/her, as well as giving you some great satisfaction:

Chat- Chatapp (Shut up)
Trisha- Trishaaddapp (Try shut up)
Shot- Shot up (Shut up)--this one works particularly well at bars
Chad- Chadapp (Shut up)
Ash- Ashaddap (Ahhh, shut up)

So if that talkative someone is annoying/irritating you in public, and you're thinking that someone needs to tell this person to shut up, simply yell those few words/names and you'll feel like you've a great deed to society. You may make yourself look like a weirdo by yelling them aloud, but hey, Chaaaaaaaaad!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

Here's a tip

Today, in the restaurant biz, sometimes the customer will stiff the server, and the server will become livid like, "That was $150 tab, and they left me with nothing! They don't know that I know where they sleep at night!" While the state of the server is understandable, it made me think about this idea of tipping.

Should we tip doctors?

Regardless of the huge margin of salary/hourly each makes a year between a restaurant worker and someone who is a doctor, if you think about the outcome, you should want to tip your doctor. Would it be asking too much if a doctor left a tip jar at his receptionist's desk?

"I just got shot twice by a gun, and was about to die, but now I can spend years and years with my loved ones, thanks so much! Here's an extra five dollars for saving my life, doc!"

Believe it or not, my perfect, straight white teeth was at one point, a horrendous site to look at. My front four teeth looked like it was a monster's claw trying to eat whoever's nose I was conversing with. I know, yum, yum. Then, through the magic powers of my orthodontist, this smile became a reality. It wouldn't have been such a bad idea to drop a few bucks of some honest appreciation.

I'm in the restaurant biz and valet biz, so of course, I'm not hating on the tips because I need them to live this luxurious life of mine, but tipping someone who saves your life and upkeeps your liveliness wouldn't be a such a bad idea, eh?


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

"Why don't you just grow up!"

Has someone ever told you, "Why don't you just grow up?" I've heard it all too many times. Sometimes I feel like crying in the corner of a padded room when I get told that, but I shouldn't feel that way for I believe that I have grown up. Let me give you a few reasons how I will shut the person's pie hole when spoke those unnecessary words to me.

• Speaking: No longer do I only know how to say "mama" and actually speak with quite a vocabulary. 
• Eating: No longer do I cry when I'm hungry--I look in my refrigerator, grab a few things, and create satisfaction. I don't need my mom to airplane my spoon into my mouth, I feed myself. I use a napkin, not a bib. When I'm finished with my meal, my face is clear of any smudges or crumbs and I don't need my mom to tap my back as I burp up the goods I just ate.
• Sleeping: No longer do I pass out anywhere (alcohol unrelated), and I won't be cranky if I don't take a nap.
• Pissing/Doodooing: No longer do I just piss and take a dump in my underwear anywhere/anytime I feel like it. I walk (sometimes run) to the bathroom, unclothe, and unleash the beast.

These are some of the qualities that acknowledge the fact that I have grown up, so there is no need for the, "Why don't you just grow up!" suggestion.

So it's probably a good idea to just shaaaaaaatttttap!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

A fly and an animal with a tail

I wish sometimes I was an animal. No, not a bird so I could fly. Not a pig so I could oink. Not a turtle so I could be slow as hell. But an animal with a tail; any animal with a tail.

Why?

With every fly that came my way to constantly irritate me over and over again, waa-pah! He/she (I don't know how you differentiate between sexes of flies) would get the mean whip from my tail and die.

Now don't quote me, and say that every time a fly lands on an animal-with-a-tail's ass, they will die by the wrath of its tail. What I mean is, whatever animal body I'm in, I'm going to make it a point to rack up my fly-kill statistics.

Too many times have I let flies get away with murder, landing on my human skin, me whooshing them away, them coming back, me whooshing them away, and them coming back! It's like they're playing this stupid game of how many times it takes before I slap myself with a fly swatter (which I currently do not own so this makes no sense at all). It's time to get animal with an animal tail!

If this should teach you anything, remember that we are not all Mr. Miyagis with chopsticks; it's going to take some human-to-animal-body transformation.

I'm no boss nor chief

Recently, I've been coming across a lot of people saying, "Thanks, boss," or "Thanks, chief." While the thank you may be genuine, that is the stupidest label ever, therefore, by using those phrases, you are stupid.





Boss


I do not pay your bills. I do not tell you you're doing a horrible job when you're doing a great job just because I can, and by me degrading you, gives me great satisfaction and doesn't jeopardize my job position. I do not not pay attention to you when you ask me for a favor, I actually do it.

Chief


I do not live in a tepee. I do not dance around a fire and tell you to go on a five-day adventure to hunt down buffalos for our tribe. I do not contain one ounce of Native American blood within my mixplate genetic makeup. I do not possess any feathers. (Note: even if you mean chief in any other way, I don't care, I'm taking the Native American translation).

Saying those phrases sounds demeaning even when not intended; sounds like whoever said it is really not thankful. I'd probably suggest that instead of using boss or chief, use common worker or indian. While the latter may seem a bit too much for our equality nature...I have no reasoning, don't use indian, just use common worker.

Scenario:

"Hey, can you help me with my lightbulb? It's a tad too high, and I can't reach it, and my body is so old, and my fingers are so frail, and I can't stop talking, and my kids won't call, my husband is gone..."

"Ok, lady! I'll help."

"Thanks, common worker."

Okay yeah, that doesn't really better the label. You kind of want to punch this lady in her face now. Whatever, just quit using boss and chief, dammit!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

Taking a look back on 5 inventions

In our generation, we're always looking forward to the newest invention or update of an electronic device that we've forgotten about the inventions that really gets us through these days. Inventions that I felt was necessary to mention so that we remember what's the real deal.

1) Can opener: There was once a day where folks would have to use a chisel and a hammer to open canned goods. The inventor of the can, Peter Durand, found a way to seal food in a can, but didn't give thought to how you could open that very can. I once used a knife because I couldn't find my can opener and although I kept my finger, blood was visible. This makes the can opener such a commodity and allows us to cook the grinds eeeeeasy.

2) Doors: Before doors, there was no privacy. There would be openings into various rooms, but you'd never be kept alone. People would be sneaking over your back to read what you were writing in your diary, see you doing sexual activities, and ultimately taking huge dumps. Until doors, life was public. Now, we can enter into closed rooms, shut the door behind us, and then get back out again.

3) Light bulb: Before the light bulb was invented by Thomas Edison, people were using lit candles to light up their houses/rooms. When you walked your chick down the hallway and into your room, which was filled with a ridiculous amount of lit candles, she didn't think it was romantic, she just was thankful that she could see where she was walking. Now, even if you got your girl with one lit candle, she's like, "OMG, this is soooo perfect!" You can thank Thomas for that one.

4) Fan: "What do you mean we don't have to rely on nature's wind in order to have a breeze in doors? You mean, you just have to plug this into the outlet, and it will create wind?!" Have you ever not possessed a fan? Then as you're sleeping, sweat forms in pockets like the backside of your knees and in your armpits. What if you're sleeping with your girl, spooning, and all she's thinking is, "Eww, he has the audacity to buy a loco moco for dinner even though I told him to watch his calories, but not purchase a damn fan so he's not sweating buckets all over me?!" A fan is crucial, especially here in Hawaii.

5) Toilet paper: I think you saw this one coming, but I had to do it. Our bodies are made to take a dump almost daily, so toilet paper is a necessity in our lives. Life without toilet paper is an itchy experience. Back in the day, people would use fruit skins, wood shavings, moss, ferns, snow, and other things I don't want the wiping of my butt to be associated with. This has to be one of the most brilliant inventions ever. Oh, I can get apps on something called an iPhone? Oh, I can watch movies on something called a television? Oh, I can warm up my food without a stove in something called a microwave? Pssh, more like I can wipe my butt after I take a huge dump and not be scratching all day with something called toilet paper!

No conclusion, I'm flushing this damn toilet,

Loa

I yell a lot, and my name is Eminem

After work, I got in my car, and Eminem was blasting on the radio barking like a mad dog again. I haven't listened to every song of Slim Shady's, but it seems as though he is yelling in every song that I hear from him. I can't imagine having a conversation with Eminem.

"Hey, what's up Em," I'd start off by saying.

"What's up, Loa!," he'd yell at me looking like he wants to start a fight.

Slowly, I'd say, "I'm doing good...how are you?"

"I'm great!" Eminem would begin. "It's such a great day! The sun is out and there was a nice breeze!"

"Why are you mad then?"

"I ain't mad!"

"Then why do you keep yelling at me?"

"I ain't yelling, homie! I ain't yelling!"

Soon after that, I would sit down with him, and let him know that I recorded our entire conversation without his consent. At first, he would be mad, but then I would give him a little nod to let him know he was getting mad, then he'd listen in on the conversation.

"I'm so sorry, Loa!" he would yell. "I mean, I'm so sorry, Loa. I don't listen to my own music, so this whole time, I didn't know I was yelling like a madman."

"It's ok, Eminem," I'd say as I consoled him. "I care about you, and I care about your well-being. You'll get through this, I know you will. It'll take time, but trust me, the world is about to change once you stop yelling madly in your songs. Have you ever thought about your throat? You yell so much that there's no need to smoke cigarettes--you're gonna eventually be speaking through a microphone out of a hole in your throat. Do you want that, Em, do you want that?!"

"No," he simply would answer with a frown.

Changes are upon us, my friends. Great changes. And it all starts with Slim Shady.


Flushing the toilet,

Loa