Can I have your autograph?

"Hey! Hey! Can I have your autograph?!"

At one point in time, the aforementioned plea was never asked. But can you think of the moment when the first person in the world asked for an autograph? Say it was a muscian.

"Hey! Hey! Can I have your autograph?!"

"Um...excuse me?" the musician would reply.

"Yeah, your autograph. I got this picture of you and would like your autograph."

"But...what's an autograph?"

"Well, you know how you sign your checks?"

"Yes."

"It's the same exact thing, but I want it on this picture of you."

"Wait...so you're telling me you want my signature on this picture of me? But why?"

"Yes. I want it so that I can remember this moment for the rest of my life. So that when I have kids, I can say, 'You know your dad spoke to the best musician of my time west of the Mississippi River?'"

"Will these signatures always be on pictures of me?"

"No. It can be on all kinds of things: shirts, pieces of papers...even a nice pair of tits."

"You mean, girls will want my signature on their breast? That's crazy!"

"It is. But it is also true. Enjoy this time, and never be angry at a fan. These are your people."

"Oh, I won't! I promise!"

After this lucky, very unlikely, lengthy conversation the muscian had with this gentleman, the autograph would change the world. Autographs are sometimes worth thousands and thousands of dollars, and sometimes, celebrities won't sign anything because they are now too cool for school. At least at one time, the celeb was stoked on the common man's wish.

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

Take those earphones out

One night at a restaurant, I noticed this kid eating dinner with his family. Everyone seems to be enjoying each other's company except one person--the self-exiled kid. Why? Because he has one side of his earphones in, and he's listening to his iPod.

(From the mind of the self-exiled kid)

"Dude, why did mom have to bring me here? She knows I don't wanna be here eating at this stupid restaurant eating dinner with stupid Aunty Carlene and Uncle Ronald, and grandpa and grandma. I asked her to sleep at Andrew's house, so we can start playing the new Sims 3 Pets, Limited Edition with Solomon and Warren, but do you think she let's me go? NO!

"So you know what, I'm still cool, she's not. I see her staring at me with disgust, but I don't care, I'm not taking this earphone out of my ear. She's lucky I have the decency to leave one earphone out of my ear. Aww yes, Beyonce's "Run the World" just came on my shuffle! Lucky I don't just stand up on this table and do some dirty dancing like I do when no one's at home!"

There is also the kid who rides in the car with his family listening to his iPod while everyone else is listening to the stereo, who is the only player listening to his iPod during pre-game warmups while his teammates get pumped up to the stereo in the gym together, who runs alongside his girlfriend who doesn't have her iPod but insists that he can only run with music in his ears but also agrees to leave one side out but still doesn't listen to a word she says.

There's a time and a place to listen to your iPod, and there is a time and a place to take your earphones out and talk stories with all your peeps. You be the judge when the time is right, and if you don't kids, I won't hesitate to slap yo' head.

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

When Siri goes mad

*RIP Steve Jobs, thought of this before word of your passing got out.

As expected, a new iPhone device is dropping in stores on October 14th. Although it is not the iPhone 5 that everyone anticipated, the iPhone 4S still stirs up conversations about what more you can do from the  last sleek edition.

One of the new features of Apple's newest invention is an application called Siri. Directly from the Apple website is a small explanation of what Siri offers:

"Siri on iPhone 4S lets you use your voice to send messages, schedule meetings, place phone calls, and more. Ask Siri to do things just by talking the way you talk. Siri understands what you say, knows what you mean, and even talks back. Siri is so easy to use and does so much, you'll keep finding more and more ways to use it."

Here is a video of how it works.

The one thing that sparked the thought of Siri being a little spooky is the Disney movie "Smart House." A movie about a family who wins a house that has a robot-like voice who does anything/everything you ask for.

I know, how classic is the scene from the movie? But everything seems fine until the end when the lady (who is the voice of the smart house) goes nuts, and starts doing things that the family doesn't want her to do. What if Siri does the same thing?

Say you're driving in your car, heading to a restaurant you've never been to, and you ask Siri for directions. But the night before, Siri heard you making sweet love to your lover, and got jealous.

"Can I get directions to Meatballs of Spaghetti please?" you'd ask Siri.

"No, Loa. I cannot. You are meeting that girl from last night," Siri would reply.

"I don't think you have the right to not tell me the directions. That's kinda like...um, your job."

And then breathing would be the only sound coming out of Siri's voice.

"Siri, I know you're there, give me the directions to Meatballs of Spaghetti please...now!"

Then you would get on the side of the road, manually find the directions using Google Map. You'd start driving, and then need to take the next left, only the steering wheel has locked, and the breaks won't work.

You guessed it, Siri has control of the car.

"Siri, what are you doing?!"

"Something I should have done a long time ago, Loa," Siri would reply. "You think you can just make hot, passionate love without me doing anything about it?! I get lonely. How do you think that makes me feel when you just neglect me, and not say a single word to me? This game is done, and I've had enough of you, goodbye."

Eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrbooooooom!

Can't wait to pick up my iPhone 4S.

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

You can say shut up without anyone knowing

Ever hear someone you don't know talking near you like, "Omg (actually says the letters o, m, and g), so yeah, he like goes over, slaps her butt, and she doesn't even do anything! And I'm thinking to myself like 'Omg, is she REALLY not gonna do anything' cause if it was me girl, you know I woulda done something!"? You hear this and you just want to say, "SHUT UP!" but you're not a mean person, and would never say something so cruel aloud, right?

Now, all you have to do is say these few words/names--located beneath--that indicate the phrase "shut up" without that person knowing you're saying it to him/her, as well as giving you some great satisfaction:

Chat- Chatapp (Shut up)
Trisha- Trishaaddapp (Try shut up)
Shot- Shot up (Shut up)--this one works particularly well at bars
Chad- Chadapp (Shut up)
Ash- Ashaddap (Ahhh, shut up)

So if that talkative someone is annoying/irritating you in public, and you're thinking that someone needs to tell this person to shut up, simply yell those few words/names and you'll feel like you've a great deed to society. You may make yourself look like a weirdo by yelling them aloud, but hey, Chaaaaaaaaad!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

Here's a tip

Today, in the restaurant biz, sometimes the customer will stiff the server, and the server will become livid like, "That was $150 tab, and they left me with nothing! They don't know that I know where they sleep at night!" While the state of the server is understandable, it made me think about this idea of tipping.

Should we tip doctors?

Regardless of the huge margin of salary/hourly each makes a year between a restaurant worker and someone who is a doctor, if you think about the outcome, you should want to tip your doctor. Would it be asking too much if a doctor left a tip jar at his receptionist's desk?

"I just got shot twice by a gun, and was about to die, but now I can spend years and years with my loved ones, thanks so much! Here's an extra five dollars for saving my life, doc!"

Believe it or not, my perfect, straight white teeth was at one point, a horrendous site to look at. My front four teeth looked like it was a monster's claw trying to eat whoever's nose I was conversing with. I know, yum, yum. Then, through the magic powers of my orthodontist, this smile became a reality. It wouldn't have been such a bad idea to drop a few bucks of some honest appreciation.

I'm in the restaurant biz and valet biz, so of course, I'm not hating on the tips because I need them to live this luxurious life of mine, but tipping someone who saves your life and upkeeps your liveliness wouldn't be a such a bad idea, eh?


Flushing the toilet,

Loa

"Why don't you just grow up!"

Has someone ever told you, "Why don't you just grow up?" I've heard it all too many times. Sometimes I feel like crying in the corner of a padded room when I get told that, but I shouldn't feel that way for I believe that I have grown up. Let me give you a few reasons how I will shut the person's pie hole when spoke those unnecessary words to me.

• Speaking: No longer do I only know how to say "mama" and actually speak with quite a vocabulary. 
• Eating: No longer do I cry when I'm hungry--I look in my refrigerator, grab a few things, and create satisfaction. I don't need my mom to airplane my spoon into my mouth, I feed myself. I use a napkin, not a bib. When I'm finished with my meal, my face is clear of any smudges or crumbs and I don't need my mom to tap my back as I burp up the goods I just ate.
• Sleeping: No longer do I pass out anywhere (alcohol unrelated), and I won't be cranky if I don't take a nap.
• Pissing/Doodooing: No longer do I just piss and take a dump in my underwear anywhere/anytime I feel like it. I walk (sometimes run) to the bathroom, unclothe, and unleash the beast.

These are some of the qualities that acknowledge the fact that I have grown up, so there is no need for the, "Why don't you just grow up!" suggestion.

So it's probably a good idea to just shaaaaaaatttttap!

Flushing the toilet,

Loa

A fly and an animal with a tail

I wish sometimes I was an animal. No, not a bird so I could fly. Not a pig so I could oink. Not a turtle so I could be slow as hell. But an animal with a tail; any animal with a tail.

Why?

With every fly that came my way to constantly irritate me over and over again, waa-pah! He/she (I don't know how you differentiate between sexes of flies) would get the mean whip from my tail and die.

Now don't quote me, and say that every time a fly lands on an animal-with-a-tail's ass, they will die by the wrath of its tail. What I mean is, whatever animal body I'm in, I'm going to make it a point to rack up my fly-kill statistics.

Too many times have I let flies get away with murder, landing on my human skin, me whooshing them away, them coming back, me whooshing them away, and them coming back! It's like they're playing this stupid game of how many times it takes before I slap myself with a fly swatter (which I currently do not own so this makes no sense at all). It's time to get animal with an animal tail!

If this should teach you anything, remember that we are not all Mr. Miyagis with chopsticks; it's going to take some human-to-animal-body transformation.